(Closed) Marriage in trouble due to competition (career-wise) and his female friend

posted 5 months ago in Married Life
Post # 811
Member
123 posts
Blushing bee

I just spent the last two hours reading this thread….and did not want to comment but felt compelled to say this after reading your latest update…..

If you were financially dependent on him, I would be able to see why you wanted to stay. But I cannot understand AT ALL why an independent, successful woman would be so desperate to stay in a marriage with a man who downright refuses to cut ties with a friend who is too close for comfort? By allowing yourself to be disrespected by him, you are showing your husband that he can treat you badly and get away with it. It’s time to find a new counselor, give him an ultimatum, or do both. Don’t stay in a marriage where your spouse makes you feel inadequate. 

Post # 812
Member
339 posts
Helper bee

alexandrite :  It’s interesting that OP herself said that she had a wonderful trip with her husband and they did a lot of fun things together and she also said that he didn’t spend much time on his phone. Yet all most bees are talking about is one incident over some souvenir or whatever it was that the friend asked for in one message in an entire week. What was most important was that they make progress and continue repairing their relationship issues, which from her posts it sounds like they did.

Post # 813
Member
123 posts
Blushing bee

weddingmaven :  Even on the unlikely assumption that all of this is strictly platonic on his end, it stretches credibility to believe that the friend remains uninterested on hers. She’d have to be clueless. 

I agree that it does not sound totally platonic. Sounds more and more like emotional attachment. She would have to be clueless for sure to not realize what she was doing. For all you know, she has always had these feelings and jumped at the opportunity to become more than a friend when she realized he was going through a difficult phase in his marriage and was opening up to her.

chocco :  That’s because it was totally inappropriate of her to ask and equally inappropriate of the husband to waste precious vacation time on looking for stuff for his friend.

Post # 814
Member
6832 posts
Busy Beekeeper

alexandrite :  Don’t stay in a marriage where your spouse makes you feel inadequate. 

But here’s the thing–he only turned to this friend because OP, his wife, as she has admitted and even been accused of being abusive for, was frequently/regularly criticizing him and making him feel inadequate. So why has he stayed in this marriage despite how poorly he feels he’s been treated?

Even though it doesn’t seem as if they want the same things out of life OP and her husband both seem to want to make an effort and see if they can make this work. It doesn’t sound as if it’s about keeping up appearances, or fear of being single, or any issue with financial independence. While from the outside it seems as if they may not be the greatest match they must have some deep connection that causes them both to make the effort to get back to a place where they were happy together. OP is listening to the advice of the therapist who hears both sides of the story.

I agree that the shopping request was out of line and he should have shut it down given the circumstances. That said, if my BFF asked me to pick something up for her while traveling I would make every effort to do so. Love and life are complicated. They are trying. I commend that.

Post # 815
Member
339 posts
Helper bee

beethree :  I agree. If it’s about self respect and walking away when you are treated poorly, the husband should have left ages ago because of how OP treated him and had such little regard for his feelings. Yet he stayed and is trying to make the marriage work.

Post # 816
Member
343 posts
Helper bee

lifeisbeeutiful :   Very Diana Charles and Camilla. 

OP’s husband and his friend have been friends for years, longer than he has known OP, but they don’t share a romantic history…unlike Charles and Camilla.

Post # 817
Member
4981 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

kayaa :  Charles and Camilla didn’t start with a romantic history. They were just friends, she was his greatest confidant. Sounds familiar?

Post # 818
Member
343 posts
Helper bee

lifeisbeeutiful :  I believe they dated before Charles married Diana, but Camilla was considered unsuitable to be a royal bride, so Charles had to look for someone suitable.

Post # 819
Member
123 posts
Blushing bee

kayaa :  OP’s husband must have told her that there’s no romantic history right? And that might be true, but how do you know they did not always have a thing for each other? Sometimes people don’t act on their feelings for years. How can this friend be so naive? I also read earlier in the thread that her relationship ended after she started hanging out with OP’s husband. It makes you wonder what is going on that OP wouldn’t have any means of knowing. I am not saying her husband has feelings for his friend because he seems to want to work on their relationship but also wants to hang on to his friend despite the issues she is causing. That’s strange. Maybe he’s feeling conflicted. 

Post # 820
Member
201 posts
Helper bee

alezv87 :  It’s great that your vacation went well. When is your next session with your therapist? If you have concerns about how she is handling issues relating to his friendship, try raising them with her before you take the step of going to another therapist. 

lifeisbeeutiful :  To be fair, I have some friends like that who are always asking for photo updates during every vacation or trip. Some people have this Instagram update obsession going, as someone mentioned on the thread.

alexandrite :  You are speculating and that’s mostly conjecture. Nothing OP has said in this thread suggests there was anything going on between them before OP met him. 

Post # 821
Member
4981 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

liyag :  if you had a male friend that was going on a trip with his wife to work on their marriage would you be texting him almost daily, throughout the day asking for updates and pictures and then for him to buy you something while they were together? Don’t you see how inappropriate this is?

 

Post # 822
Member
206 posts
Helper bee

What in the actual f***? …OP END THIS CHARADE!!

His friend is garbage. You know it, she knows it, everyone in this thread SHOULD know it… & your therapist is a CLOWN.

I literally don’t give a flying fadoodle about how “abusive” (whatever) OP was in the past. She has now changed her behavior, so it’s time for him to change his as well! What is this tit for tat bullshit?? Why are ppl acting like the friend’s most recent actions have been anything but malicious? She’s a conniving wench & should be *viewed* as such. I would love to see how many wives, put in this exact situation, would be so chill & convinced this behavior is appropriate. I’m so confused. 

 

 

Post # 823
Member
1617 posts
Bumble bee

beepboopbop :  ya i dont get it either.  This guy is emotionally cheating at this point imo. Enough is enough.

Post # 824
Member
201 posts
Helper bee

lifeisbeeutiful :  I did not get the impression from reading her posts that the friend was messaging all day everyday. It sounds like it was a few times during the week and OP said it didn’t happen everyday, and also that her husband was not on the phone much. She also said it was only the shopping request that angered her. 

Post # 825
Member
246 posts
Helper bee

lifeisbeeutiful :  How was his friend texting all day each day throughout the trip?

OP literally said the friend only texted a few times during the whole trip. If it had been all day daily, I would think OP would have said something to her husband, but she did not think it was frequent enough to even warrant a discussion.

 

I think he had told his friend that he was going to be away for the week, and he was online far less than he usually is. They still had contact unfortunately. Not everyday, and the first few days were quiet, but they did message a bit. Mostly just texts asking him how his holiday was going and he probably told her he was going to travel around the countryside because she messaged a few times asking where he was going during the roadtrip and asked him to send photos of the views. Harmless texts I know, but I’m not sure why these questions couldn’t wait until he was back. But well, a few other people (family/ friends) also sent similar messages, so I couldn’t just comment on hers. She did text more than the other people, however.

 He wasn’t on his phone for long periods and not even everyday, so I chose to say nothing.

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