(Closed) Marriage in trouble due to competition (career-wise) and his female friend

posted 5 months ago in Married Life
Post # 826
Member
517 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Glad you had a wonderful vacation! Relationships don’t heal overnight but you two are in such a better place then you were when you first posted here!

It’s easy to focus on how far you have to go but, FOCUS ON HOW FAR YOU HAVE COME!

Happy for you both!

Post # 827
Member
299 posts
Helper bee

liyag :  “It’s great that your vacation went well. When is your next session with your therapist? If you have concerns about how she is handling issues relating to his friendship, try raising them with her before you take the step of going to another therapist. “

 

Yes, starting all over again in therapy with another therapist is going to be difficult and it might undo some of the progress you have already made. Talk to your therapist if you think something is not working. See if she changes her approach. 

Post # 828
Member
201 posts
Helper bee

beethree :  Even though it doesn’t seem as if they want the same things out of life OP and her husband both seem to want to make an effort and see if they can make this work. It doesn’t sound as if it’s about keeping up appearances, or fear of being single, or any issue with financial independence. While from the outside it seems as if they may not be the greatest match they must have some deep connection that causes them both to make the effort to get back to a place where they were happy together. OP is listening to the advice of the therapist who hears both sides of the story.

I agree with most of your post that they seem mis-matched and want different things from life. That is why it is tough to understand why OP is trying so hard to hold on to this relationship, because wanting different life goals and life paths will make it difficult to have a fulfilling and happy marriage. It’s not an admission of failure to accept that your marriage might not be right for you. 

Post # 829
Member
277 posts
Helper bee

Different perspective but it could be that her husband felt obliged to get what his friend asked for as she has been supportive and been there for him during a bad phase in his life. I don’t think he was necessarily being disrespectful to his wife or neglecting her feelings. Sometimes when you know someone has been a good friend to you during a time a of need, you want to do something thoughtful for your friend in return. She could have genuinely wanted the product that she asked for. If she had to be malicious, she would have probably contacted him non stop but it does not sound as if she did.

Post # 830
Member
4983 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

lavender9 :   You obviously have a different opinion and that’s your right.

“She did text him more than others, however”.  That’s huge. Doesn’t matter how you spin it. You don’t have to repost what OP wrote and highlight lines – I read what she wrote and don’t see their friendship as innocent and think that it will cause more damage to their marriage in the long run than good. Dont try to convince me otherwise.

Post # 831
Member
218 posts
Helper bee

beepboopbop :  Totally agree and also people calling her abusive was a stretch. She was extremely ambitious in wanting her husband to pursue the career she wanted but nobody here is qualified to call her abusive. Friend is an attention seeker and the regular meetings have to stop. He doesn’t have to completely cut her out even, he can just see her socially when other friends are around.

OP, I seriously think you have to get your therapist to talk to him asap, if you can’t do it yourself. To want to confide in you, he needs to end the habit of talking to her about everything first. It can only be done if they don’t meet every week.

Post # 832
Member
12291 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

I’ve read what the OP has written about taking responsibility for being overly critical, but without even a single example these conversations, it is ridiculous to call her abusive. OP and her H are in the same field. She said she thought she was being helpful and that her previously very ambitious husband had never before objected to what she obviously saw at the time as constructive advice. 

When he started to become withdrawn and resentful about the comments, and even after the incident where he turned down a job offer, something  I’m not sure if he even discussed with OP, still at no time did he ever confront OP and tell her how unhappy he was and that things had to change. Considering the lengths she is going to to save her marriage now, it is impossible to think she would not have taken him seriously.

 Instead he confides in another woman regularly, someone with her own relationship problems, and enjoys meeting up with her as a way to avoid going home. Then accuses OP of only wanting counseling because of his deepening relationship with the friend. That’s self serving and manipulative. 

The trip sounded OK, if platonic. The long withdrawn periods would bother me, as would the lack of encouragment or feedback. OP is all in, he still seems less so, at least by this account. I’d be curious to know what he says about the trip. I hope it was a step forward. 

 

Post # 833
Member
339 posts
Helper bee

weddingmaven :   Considering the lengths she is going to to save her marriage now, it is impossible to think she would not have taken him seriously.

 

I believe OP said he told her repeatedly to stop being critical of his decisions and being pushy, but she didn’t stop because she thought she was right and he was wrong. Also, it’s possible that she is making every effort now but back then she didn’t because she didn’t realise how much it was affecting him. Seems like once he told her he was contemplating divorce, she suddenly woke up and realised she was about to lose her marriage. 

Post # 834
Member
5758 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

weddingmaven :  I’m not sure if he even discussed with OP, still at no time did he ever confront OP and tell her how unhappy he was and that things had to change.

I’m pretty sure the OP told us that he brought this up to her multiple times. 

Considering the lengths she is going to to save her marriage now, it is impossible to think she would not have taken him seriously.

She literally said she didn’t take him seriously because she thought he was wrong. 

There are certainly things they have each done wrong, but we know for a fact that the conclusions you are drawing here aren’t accurate based on what OP has said herself. 

This is all from one of OP’s first follow up posts:

I tend to be a bit blunt more often than not and it rubs him the wrong way.

I’m not too good at just praising someone or offering compliments when I don’t see any reason to, and it’s true that I tend to criticize his approach to work sometimes

However, he gets very annoyed everytime (and I really do mean everytime)

he told me that he didn’t like talking to me about work because I don’t understand him and that he thinks that I act superior to him

Post # 835
Member
218 posts
Helper bee

weddingmaven :  “The trip sounded OK, if platonic. The long withdrawn periods would bother me, as would the lack of encouragment or feedback. OP is all in, he still seems less so, at least by this account. I’d be curious to know what he says about the trip. I hope it was a step forward. “

 

I’m curious to know what he has to say about it, too. I’m guessing they will talk about it in therapy. She said they discussed their vacation in therapy before they went for the trip, so assuming the therapist will discuss it again.

 

zzar45 :  Ok but that’s not abuse.

Post # 836
Member
5758 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

chiara :  I didn’t say it was so that isn’t really a response to what I said.  I was specifically replying to the poster who said she doesn’t believe the husband ever communicated his feelings about this, which he clearly did.

We obviously weren’t there so we don’t know what has actually been said, but putting someone down repeatedly over the years when they tell you it hurts them could definitely be emotional abuse. 

I think if a woman had posted about how much her husband put her down, how she felt he kept telling her he wasn’t good enough, she felt he kept making her feel “less than” and when she communicated this he didn’t seem to care I don’t think people would be as quick to say it wasn’t abuse. 

Post # 837
Member
916 posts
Busy bee

I have been following this thread for a while but have not commented. I am happy that you are taking th steps to improve your marriage and I am happy that your vacation went well. I think too many times on the bee the first advice is to get a divorce. 

However, I think your husband is going to have to make a decision between you and his friend. If he really wants this marriage to work out he can no longer have this woman in his life. Asking for pics from your vacation was completely innapropriate. That bitch knows exactly what she is doing.  No woman in her right mind with pure intentions would do this. If she was a true friend and wanted to see his marriage saved, she would back the fuck off. No continue to insert herself during a romantic vacation. 

The decision doesn’t have to happen now, but I know the resentment will continue to grow. Don’t downplay how much it bothers you. And yes you were not the most ideal wife in the past but that is not an excuse for this “friendship”. 

Post # 838
Member
12291 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

I know he communicated his feelings, and never said otherwise. My main point was he never told OP just how bad things had gotten for him or attempted to fix things. Even he admitted to that when he agreed to therapy. 

Post # 839
Member
218 posts
Helper bee

zzar45 :  Ok I get your point but it doesn’t help to post older messages now. They have moved ahead and their issues are different now. It would be better to post about how she can work on them than post her old messages. 

Post # 840
Member
5758 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

chiara :  Why are you policing ever single one of my comments?  I wasn’t even posting them to you.  Again, I was responding to a specific point, you didn’t say it so it doesn’t really matter. 

The topic ‘Marriage in trouble due to competition (career-wise) and his female friend’ is closed to new replies.

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