(Closed) Marriage in trouble due to competition (career-wise) and his female friend

posted 4 months ago in Married Life
Post # 841
Member
439 posts
Helper bee

weddingmaven :  I know he communicated his feelings, and never said otherwise. My main point was he never told OP just how bad things had gotten for him or attempted to fix things. Even he admitted to that when he agreed to therapy. 

Telling your spouse repeatedly that their words and behavior are upsetting and hurtful to you over the course of many months (or possibly years, I dont think we know the exact timeline) should be more than enough to get a caring spouse to realize how bad things are and that their behavior is a problem. It shouldn’t take a threat of divorce to make them realize that. OP has admitted that she basically blew off her husband’s feelings about how she treated him because she thought he was wrong and she was right. She was content with continuing to treat him poorly and didn’t think there was an issue in the marriage until he started to do something that she didn’t like. Only then did she think there was a problem in the marriage. How was he supposed to try to fix things when she didn’t think there was anything wrong, or that the only thing wrong was that he had “changed”? 

Post # 842
Member
167 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2020 - City, State

I feel like we already covered all of that way earilier- we need to move on and focus on what she can do NOW. 

Post # 843
Member
6231 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

OP – it’s great that you had such a good time on your vacation. Have you told your husband how much you enjoyed the time away and the opportunity to talk in a way that you haven’t in a long time? Have you told him you’d like to do it again soon? If so, what has his response been?

Post # 844
Member
12219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

needmorewine :  By telling OP that her comments risked their marriage and their relationship.

As mentioned, initially OP didn’t think what she was doing was so bad. Things really seem to have taken a bad turn a couple of months before the original post, possibly triggered by him turning down the job, and OP’s strong negative reaction, some of which may have been as a result of the lack of any meaningful discussion around his decision, not sure.

She knew these things bothered him, but in her mind thought it was unreasonable that any commentary about work whatsoever should set him off. She did not realize it was to the level of separation or divorce. 

There is plenty fault on both sides here. We’ve already covered OP’s mistakes. For his part H is a poor communicator and has acted inappropriately, probably in part as a way to get back at OP if I had to guess. 

Post # 845
Member
155 posts
Blushing bee

I read the initial posts a month ago so can’t recall, but have you met said friend in recent months or even years? Genuinely curious to know what her attitude was towards you. 

Post # 846
Member
155 posts
Blushing bee

keysha :  Yes and just read her posts from the first two pages again.  OP has seemingly stopped insisting on paying half of everything and dropped the disagreements on finances, because I didn’t see it mentioned again in recent posts? That likely means there is one less point of contention. Relationships take time to get back on track but at least they are doing what they can to repair the damage.

Post # 847
Member
185 posts
Blushing bee

everythingpink : Wondering whether their counselor will still buy into the platonic friends bullshit after hearing about her desperate attempts at keeping in touch with OP’s husband on vacation.

Post # 848
Member
200 posts
Helper bee

mel76 :  soooooo desperate. Like literally wont leave the guy alone. Making SURE he’s thinking about her. I literally dont text my bestie or family members as much when THEYRE on vacay & i genuinely care about what they’re doing & want to see! But a polite person knows to wait until they’re back. 

A quick little “hey! How’s the vacay going, what have you guys been doing?!” every 3 or 4 days is fine, but geesh. 

Post # 849
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee

weddingmaven : ‘ For his part H is a poor communicator and has acted inappropriately, probably in part as a way to get back at OP if I had to guess.’

 

He is a poor communicator undoubtedly and he is being disrespectful, thoughtless and selfish, but doesn’t sound vindictive to me. His friendship has most likely become an emotional affair but I don’t think that he started meeting his friend to get back at OP. It does not sound like that from the posts.

 

beepboopbop :  I’ve got a friend who sends “Send pics!!” and other annoying messages when I go anywhere and I find it silly but ignore it. But OP’s situation is different and it’s not a regular vacation. They are fixing their marriage. No chance that her husband didn’t tell the friend that he was going away to spend quality time with his wife. 

Post # 850
Member
329 posts
Helper bee

slivergreen90 :  “OP has seemingly stopped insisting on paying half of everything and dropped the disagreements on finances, because I didn’t see it mentioned again in recent posts? That likely means there is one less point of contention. “

I think she said she decided to stop bringing that up in light of the myriad problems they were facing when they started therapy.

She said she comes from a middle class family but her husband is from a wealthy family, and it could be why she was hung up on paying her way and contributing equally. I don’t think it was only about contributing as much as the man does in the relationship as a woman.

Post # 851
Member
273 posts
Helper bee

weddingmaven :  

The trip sounded OK, if platonic.

They need a continued emotional and mental connection with each other to cement their bond once again. Technically that’s platonic but OP had indicated previously that she does not expect physical intimacy on the trip for the same reason. 

Post # 852
Member
12219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

alexandrite :  I’m not so sure. H admitted he met up frequently with his friend in part specifically to avoid coming home to OP, so I think there was at least some element of that initially. 

tobeeeornottobeee :  I agree. My concern, based on what did and did not happen, not even including physical intimacy, is that he was not quite as engaged or committed as OP to the purpose of the trip. I hope that’s wrong and as you suggest it will just take time to rebuild trust. 

Post # 853
Member
155 posts
Blushing bee

weddingmaven :  Why specifically this woman and why not other friends or family, or even the close male friend that OP mentioned in the first post? It seems from what he told OP and the therapist that he felt his lady friend understood him as a person better than others or that he could talk to her openly, more openly than he was able to talk with others. 

Post # 855
Member
399 posts
Helper bee

Glad your holiday went well!

As to husband’s friend… OP and her husband are teetering on a knife edge. They are going to counselling and working on this together. Ultimatums that he no longer speak to her will probably result in the end of the marriage. OP has said she wants to stay in the marriage and work on it. While I think the relationship is inappropriate and should stop, given OP’s desire to stay in the marriage, I think it makes sense to cut back on communication with friend without demanding she be cut. Hopefully as OP and her husband strengthen their bond and relationship, his friendship will fade. 

My perspective isn’t based on thinking the husband’s actions are right, just on that OP really wants her marriage to work, and these things take time. 

As to the platonic nature of the trip – my friend and her husband were trying to repair their marriage after an affair. I know it took over a year for them to get back to being physical together, and this was with couple’s counselling. Judgment aside on whether she should have stayed with him, she did, and repairing the trust and comfort levels took a long time. She definitely still takes pot shots at him after a few glasses of wine.

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