(Closed) Marriage in trouble due to competition (career-wise) and his female friend

posted 4 months ago in Married Life
Post # 856
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee

minnewanka :  As to the platonic nature of the trip – my friend and her husband were trying to repair their marriage after an affair. I know it took over a year for them to get back to being physical together, and this was with couple’s counselling. Judgment aside on whether she should have stayed with him, she did, and repairing the trust and comfort levels took a long time. She definitely still takes pot shots at him after a few glasses of wine.

Not judging her for her decision but I have seen this sort of thing happen pretty often. Usually it’s a wife forgiving her husband following an affair or cheating, and by all accounts things look fine, except those few occasions that come up sometimes and the wife takes potshots or sarcastically makes references to the affair.

I don’t think most couples ever completely recover from affairs, and this is of course based on my personal experience from what I see happening to couples.

I also hope that before OP’s husband’s friendship becomes any more inappropriate or becomes a full blown affair (imo it’s already an emotional affair), he has to back off if not cut ties. If it transitions into a full blown affair, there will probably be no going back to saving the marriage. When you meet up with someone one to one and some attraction exists, it may not take much to end up cheating in a moment of weakness. He should not be putting himself in a situation where the opportuniy to cheat arises again and again.

Post # 857
Member
182 posts
Blushing bee

alexandrite :  I think minnewanka was referring to the husband wanting to have physical intimacy with his wife again after a year or more of differences and lack of trust between them, not the effects of a possible affair with his friend affecting their marriage.

Post # 858
Member
400 posts
Helper bee

saturnian :  

Correct. Just that these things don’t happen immediately. Starts with the kissing and cuddling and can take a long time to get back to full intimacy (the board probably did not need the “aside” on the pot shots).

Post # 860
Member
182 posts
Blushing bee

alezv87 :  I don’t think you are over-thinking it. It might have been an attempt from her to show your husband that she remembers everything he tells her. You are right to leave it until therapy to bring this up and I agree that abruptly changing your therapist will not do you any good. 

Post # 861
Member
262 posts
Helper bee

alezv87 :  It sounds like both your husband and you found the trip to be worthwhile and had a good time. Don’t let the negative feelings surrounding her messages color your thoughts about your vacation too much.

Post # 862
Member
19 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2007

alezv87 :  Sorry if I missed this, there are so many pages. But are you sure that they aren’t meeting up and having a physical affair?

The reason I ask is that I had a year-long affair when married to my now ex-husband, and it started just like this. I created this account several years ago to respond to another post about emotional cheating (Jen the Work Wife). This was an incredibly cruel thing to do to my husband and I am now very remorseful. I think the perspective of a cheater could possibly be helpful here.

So, this is all textbook affair. The constant contact, the knowing everything going on in each other’s life, the discussions about his marriage, the physical distancing from you the spouse, the meeting up with her without telling you, the getting easily annoyed at you, her praising him and stroking his ego – and most importantly, his seeming inability to cut her off for months even though it’s causing strife in his marriage ….. I’m sorry bee but it doesn’t look good. If it’s not physical yet, odds are very good that it will become, so unless he really does cut her off. 

I just wanted to post and tell you that you’re not crazy, and this is 100% an emotional affair (at least!) whether he actually realizes it or not. Unless it’s stopped in its tracks, which is very hard because they are in the affair headspace which becomes a literal addiction (google “limerance”), it will most always advance to a physical affair. 

I would demand he cut off this friend. He will resist because of the addictive nature of affairs. But it’s the only way to get him out of that addiction. Trying to limit contact doesn’t work. Trust me, I tried, but it sucks you back in. Affairs ALWAYS ramp up over time unless they are completely stopped. You should look for a marriage counselor who has experience with infildelity and holding the wayward spouse accountable for themselves. Yours does not seem like a good fit for your situation. Good luck and I’m sorry this is happening to you. 

Post # 864
Member
210 posts
Helper bee

alezv87 :  The link that you are making between what she asks or texts him vs what interests him is not outlandish and you are likely on to something. You should discuss in private with your counselor before attending as a couple if possible. 

Post # 865
Member
155 posts
Blushing bee

I agree with pp that while your concerns are valid, you should be careful not to let them affect every aspect of your marriage. Your husband sounds like he is happy with this trip he took with you and was showing enthusiasm by sharing photos that he took there with you, but all you could think about was if his photography being a hobby was why she was sending him messages asking for pictures?!

Post # 866
Member
185 posts
Blushing bee

anoncheater :  Unfortunately, this is correct. Your husband must either go completely no contact or risk a physical affair. I know someone asked you what her demeanor was like in your presence, but her friendliness has no bearing on her feelings for your husband. 

Post # 869
Member
185 posts
Blushing bee

alezv87 :  It almost comes across as if the friend’s presence is hovering over your marriage all the time. Can you ask him you would like to come along next time he meets her if he refuses to stop meeting her? Your vacation sounds like it was something your husband is looking back at positively but she did manage to make him think about her and do things for her. Not a healthy sign.

Post # 870
Member
83 posts
Worker bee

I have seen most of your posts and one thing that remains unanswered is what will you do in the long term if he continues seeing her indefinitely and does not stop? Will you stay and accept it? Will you leave him? You said somewhere in this thread that you and your husband had plans to start a family? What about that? This arrangement will continue even if that happens? You should have a long term back up plan for your life if your husband is unwilling to let go. You may desperately want your marriage to work but you must look out for yourself and your emotional health.

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