Marriage in trouble due to competition (career-wise) and his female friend

posted 3 months ago in Married Life
Post # 886
Member
255 posts
Helper bee

weddingmaven :  According to what OP wrote about what her husband shared and what she saw in the social media conversations that he left open for her to read, he was meeting his friend to talk about his work, and just life in general and everyday things, not really to complain about OP. 

Whether it’s a dealbreaker if he doesn’t stop, that’s something she needs to think about because ending the friendship looks unlikely even if he agrees to seeing his friend less often.

Wonder if he met his friend since he got back from holiday. OP should ask to meet the friend as a couple if she can stop feeling uncomfortable with the idea.

Post # 887
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee

weddingmaven :  I keep thinking there must be a good reason behind not asking her H to completely cut contact with the friend. Because the only other reason can be that he has already refused to do so in a private session. If that is so she should let OP know. 

Post # 888
Member
12117 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

chocco :  Even on the IMO far fetched at this point assumption there is no emotional affair going on, at least on one side, I highly doubt this. The H himself admitted he was going in part in order to stay away from OP at the end of the day. The conversations he’s leaving open are the ones that he wants her to see. 

saturnian :  I agree and would privately ask the therapist that question. She may not answer directly. 

Post # 889
Member
255 posts
Helper bee

weddingmaven :  I guess you mean an emotional affair from the husband’s side? I don’t see how it can be a one sided emotional affair if there is an emotional affair going on. Usually both parties are emotionally invested. I wouldn’t rush to say there was one unless I really knew what the conversations were like.

Post # 890
Member
154 posts
Blushing bee

weddingmaven :  To add to that, is OP going to make every compromise here?

-Put with friend’s inappropriate conduct and regular meet ups with friend.

-Not comment on husband’s job or advise and criticize him.

-Not talk about wanting to split bills and expenses equally. Let husband pay more if he wants to.

 

What was his compromise? That’s right- spend less time with friend.

Post # 891
Member
412 posts
Helper bee

I agree with those who say that demanding that he cuts off contact with his friend will likely blow up in her face. They have been in therapy for a short time and while they seem to be making some progress slowly, it hasn’t been nearly long enough to repair the trust that was broken or the damage that was done to the relationship. Wasn’t he expressing doubts about OP’s motives for suggesting therapy when they began? He was concerned whether she was sincere about making lasting changes to the way she treats him vs. just going through the motions long enough in order to get her way (him dropping the friend), if I remember correctly. If she keeps pushing for him to drop the friend this early on, that will likely just play into his suspicions about her motives, whether those suspicions are justified or not, and will cause him to dig his heels in harder. I really don’t see it turning out very well for her. 

Post # 892
Member
50 posts
Worker bee

alezv87 :  Super long thread so skimmed through most pages but wow. You said your dh likes doing stuff for others and this “friend” asks him to do something for her on your vacation? She is playing him and knows exactly what to do. Good luck. You should not have to put up with this. You do not have to torture yourself because you did not do certain things right earlier in your marriage. 

Post # 893
Member
231 posts
Helper bee

 needmorewine :  Yes. He also said that she always believed she was right and he doubted whether she was going to take any advice on board from another person. Of all things to talk about including the trip they took together, again asking him to drop his friend is not going to help. 

aquamarine22 :  Would you say the same if a male friend had contacted him asking to pick up stuff on vacation?

Post # 894
Member
12117 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

chocco :  Point taken. One sided would still be a form of emotional cheating on the part of the spouse if not an emotional affair. I doubt it is or was one sided though. 

I would straight out ask the H if he has talked about OP and the problems in the marriage. What else does being his “support system” at this time imply? I have no doubt they are talking about a lot more than photography, his job, his sister and his parents’ split. 

A separate Q for the therapist would be if she thinks this would be appropriate if it proved to be true. 

Post # 895
Member
231 posts
Helper bee

weddingmaven :  It’s tough to understand what is going on here. The friend’s need to stay in contact when he was away with his wife is odd alright, but hard to determine what is going on in her husband’s mind regarding how he sees this friendship. If it turned out to be an emotional affair or a physical one, would OP forgive him if he was willing to stop? I think OP herself does not truly believe this is innocent but she is going to therapy, hence I suppose it’s safe to assume that she is willing to forgive an emotional affair.

Post # 896
Member
231 posts
Helper bee

mel76 :  Stating the obvious here but OP is the spouse that wants to do everything she can to hold on to this marriage. I am not suggesting that he is not interested in saving the marriage, but certainly not as interested in saving it as she is. Consequently, she is making more compromises than he is.

Post # 897
Member
169 posts
Blushing bee

mel76 :  She is indeed making more compromises and for good reason. No, not because she is more invested in the relationship. Let’s not lose track of what happened in their marriage.

She was extremely pushy with her opinions and made him feel like he was not good enough because he was not as ambitious as her and wanted work life balance. She also took him for granted and seems to have assumed that he was not going anywhere because she continued this treatment of him even when he told her he was unhappy. It’s commendable how hard she is trying to fix this, but the person who is primarily responsible for the state of their marriage is making more compromises. At least that is how I see it. 

Post # 898
Member
62 posts
Worker bee

Why have you not asked to join your husband when he hangs out with his friend yet? You should have done it when you started suspecting something was off about their friendship, but you still can and should. The vibe between them will indicate to some degree how platonic this friendship is. 

Post # 899
Member
517 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Men and women can have platonic friendships. Having a friendship doesn’t mean you are having an emotional affair or everyone on this board who has a friend would be having one, and it’s only a matter of time till it turns sexual! I do not want to sleep with any of my friends, male or female. Apparently if you have a friend and have no problem picking up something for them on a weekend getaway, that they can only get at a specific place that you happen to be at… you are emotionally cheating on your significant other. Had this interaction been with a guy friend no one would bat an eye.

He went days without talking to her, had minimal contact. He has been completely open with Op about their friendship. OP reads their messages.

Relationships ebb and flow. Kind of like when your friend first gets in a relationship and you don’t really see them for a few months and then things normalize. OP’s husband wasn’t getting support at home so he started spending more time with friends both this woman and another male friend, which no one has a problem with.

Has no one else had a friend in a bad place that talked and texted you a lot and then the situation improved and life moved on you now communicate less? As he needs his friends less the friendships will naturally change. They already have as he has spent more time with his wife and doesn’t message as much. This woman will get into another relationship and have less time for her friends too. It would be ironic if op’s husband turned out to not be attracted to women and everyone on here was worried about the wrong friendship.

Most people are genuinely nice people who do not have ulterior motives and are not sneaky and crazy and testing people or trying to prove what someone will or won’t do for them. And if in your mind you always think the worst of people, that’s a very sad way to live!

This friendship will naturally get less significant to him. But asking him to stop being friends with her will only prove his earlier point.

Post # 901
Member
5565 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

mel76 :  To add to that, is OP going to make every compromise here? – Not comment on husband’s job or advise and criticize him.

Since when is not criticizing someone a compromise? 

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