(Closed) Marriage in trouble due to competition (career-wise) and his female friend

posted 4 months ago in Married Life
Post # 916
Member
517 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

alezv87 :  You were handling this situation very well till you let the few bees on here who want to blow up your marriage and causing drama get in your head.

If you trust him, which you should as he has done nothing to break your trust believe him that this is an innocent friendship because all sign say it is. Get off the crazy train and stop listening to women who have been with manipulative cheating assholes who want to put their experiences on him and you. By your account he is a kind loving partner who is always helping others and is a great guy and is working with you to repair your relationship. He makes a good point.

“He asked me why I thought that he would be working with me to save our marriage and simultaneously having an inappropriate relationship with someone else, and said that he has been completely honest with me about the nature of his friendship and that he’s doing nothing wrong.”

Nothing drives people apart like accusing an innocent person of something. Quite frankly you are making me question why he is staying with you. Why would you stay with someone who assumes the worst of you.

Believe your husband because he is a good man and you trust him. Honestly do you think he is lying to you?

There are TONS of crazy girls in the world. Don’t join them! -The mother of a guy I dated in HS messaged me to tell me she had to unfriend me on facebook, because 12 years after we dated his now wife saw his mom and I were facebook friend and won’t let her see her grandchildren if she doesn’t unfriend me. Legit hadn’t talked to her in years. But now I know that guys wife is insecure, jealous and crazy!

If you want to repair the damage you just did in therapy, which may have destroyed your marriage because you staight up told him that you don’t trust him and think he is lying to you and being shady. You need to tell him.”I trust you. I really do trust you and I believe you that there is nothing inappropriate going on. I believe you. I am really sorry that I brought her up. You being close with her bothers me but I will work on it because I trust you. We had a fantastic time together and I am really looking forward to going away again.”

 

Post # 917
Member
272 posts
Helper bee

elodie2019 :  “You were handling this situation very well till you let the few bees on here who want to blow up your marriage and causing drama get in your head. If you trust him, which you should as he has done nothing to break your trust believe him that this is an innocent friendship because all sign say it is. Get off the crazy train and stop listening to women who have been with manipulative cheating assholes who want to put their experiences on him and you. “

 Very well put. There is some terrible advice on this thread by some members encouraging her to believe the worst about her husband. I get that it is tough to avoid negative opinions that are being repeated by certain members and that reading them again and again must have influenced her thinking, but in her position, I would stick with the advice of the therapist rather than unqualified people who might be projecting due to their own relationship experiences.

“The mother of a guy I dated in HS messaged me to tell me she had to unfriend me on facebook, because 12 years after we dated his now wife saw his mom and I were facebook friend and won’t let her see her grandchildren if she doesn’t unfriend me. Legit hadn’t talked to her in years. But now I know that guys wife is insecure, jealous and crazy!”

That is insane.

 

Post # 918
Member
517 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

tobeeeornottobeee :  Completely insane! That woman might just be on here giving OP advice!

OP, instead of all this negativity and thinking the worst of him and letting your mind run wild you need to change your thinking pattern when you have one of these thoughts. Positive afirmations might do the trick.

Post # 919
Member
3 posts
Wannabee

Havent commented up til now but have been reading and I agree that now might not be the time to meet her. I think you’re probably scared because you see another woman closer to your husband – but the answer isn’t to cut off their friendship, it’s to repair your relationship with him (as the therapist has been saying). Right now I think you need to give benefit of the doubt and assume they really are platonic. 

And honestly, the info in your most recent post makes me think that’s the case. Especially with the stuff about her just being chatty texting everyone a lot – I have friends like that, and this amount of texting would be no big deal from one of them. This girl is probably like that – these friends of mine will be sitting with me and texting like twelve people at once on their computer, it’s not like she’s necessarily sitting there thinking of him, if she’s the type to text a lot she probably is just like “oh! i should ask how the vacay is going” and it’s literally like ten seconds of thought. If the messages themselves aren’t overly flirty, I really think you might be overthinking this and risking undoing a lot of progress by fixating on an innocent friendship. 

For now, I’d try and show that though you are insecure, you want to trust him. Maybe even talking to him about the fact that this may be your wanting to be close to him again and jealousy not that you think they’re sleeping together but just that you see they are close friends and want to recreate the closeness in your own relationship BUT that you are going to try to trust him – that might help a lot. then, to show your commitment to trusting him despite your insecurities, I’d refrain from going with him for a few weeks (edit – going with him to meet her, I mean). maybe after a few weeks, meet her but not as a way of checking up on him – only do it if you are able to go and actually just hang with her to try to get to know someone important to him. Another way to show this isn’t you trying to check up on him is to suggest you three hang out in ADDITION to his weekly meeting her, as a way of showing that you arent trying to further limit his time with his friend. I do think getting to know her could be a great step, and maybe instead of asking him to cut the friendship down, you’ll be able to be friends with her too. But right now if you go, I think you’ll be going in suspicious and he’ll see that and it’ll do more harm than good. 

Post # 920
Member
200 posts
Helper bee

Uuuuugh… I was holding my breath through that entire update. OP I am on your side, but boy howdy, I think you messed up that session. I don’t think that was the right time to bring up the friend, because your husband was literally saying let’s go on another trip very soon 🙁 I hope you guys aren’t back to square one after all that.

For the record though I hate his friend and wish she would go jump off a cliff…  her behavior makes me sick, and his  refusal to let her go makes me angry.

Post # 921
Member
232 posts
Helper bee

beepboopbop :  It is not his friend’s fault that OP is hell bent on sabotaging her own marriage by implying in therapy that her husband is cheating on her. The friendship sounds innocent from what OP has said and her update only confirms that.

Post # 922
Member
200 posts
Helper bee

lavender9 :  yes i know. But do you not ever wish people would just lay tf off of other people’s spouses sometimes?? That was my one thought as I was reading how the friend invaded their cute little trip.

Like literally the marriage would be saved if this woman would just back off & LEAVE HIM ALONE. Hell, maybe she could have kept her own damn marriage or whatever kind of relationship she had going if she hadn’t focused so much on someone else’s husband…  I think I’m remembering that correctly, she recently broke up with her husband or whatever. I can’t find the page.

Post # 923
Member
319 posts
Helper bee

I’ve read the whole thread. Wow, bees sure love jumping to conclusions.

I don’t think there is anything that stands out that would suggest that the OP’s husband is having an affair (emotional or otherwise) with this friend. They could be having an affair, but equally they could just be close frends. Shock, horror, men and women can be close friends without developing any feelings. Texting whilst someone is on holiday isn’t a big deal. Meeting someone once a week after work for a couple of hours isn’t a big deal. He’s completely open about how often they meet, where they meet, happy to let her read their messages, etc, so he’s also not hiding anything. 

I really don’t think the friend is the issue. The close friendship is probably the result of (rather than the cause of) their marital issues, and by focusing on this, the attention is drawn away from the actual problems they need to work on. 

Post # 924
Member
517 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

beepboopbop : “But do you not ever wish people would just lay tf off of other people’s spouses sometimes?”  “For the record though I hate his friend and wish she would go jump off a cliff…  her behavior makes me sick,”

What an awful thing to say! No one is trying to steal anyone’s spouse! I genuinely hope my spouses friend stay friends with him.

Literally the only thing this friend is guilty of is being a woman. Guy friend same texts, same requests and no one has a problem because nothing inappropriate is happening. Her behavior is literally being friends with someone, the horror!! If you have an inappropriate relationship with someone you are hiding that shit and being sneaky, not drawing attention to yourself like hey, can you guys pick this up for me.

For all anyone knows OP’s husband may not discuss his relationship with her at all and she has no idea they are in therapy ect. My guess is they bs and talk about unrelated things. But maybe if they do she was the person encouraging him to give his wife a chance and telling him to remember the good times and how happy he was when he met her ect.

See the best in people don’t assume the worst.

hispanicimpressions :  Truth!  By focusing on this, the attention is drawn away from the actual problems they need to work on.!!!!!!!!

Post # 926
Member
232 posts
Helper bee

alezv87 :  You are making mountains out of molehills.

So what if she asked about those places that she has been to? Maybe she wanted to know what he thought of those places? And did you not say that your husband was very stressed about his sister’s health? She is only being kind by asking about and discussing his sister. It is a way of showing concern for a friend going through a difficult time in life. Like if my friend is sick and we have a mutual friend, am I not allowed to ask my mutual friend how the other friend is doing or discuss her health with anyone else that we know in common?

Really, you are destroying your marriage yourself by being aggressive all over again in how you communicate with your husband. 

Post # 927
Member
84 posts
Worker bee

alezv87 :  Nobody can say 100% that their friendship is not an affair and her texting on vacation was not ok, but those messages that you just gave examples of sound harmless? Why does something so small bother you?

Post # 928
Member
339 posts
Helper bee

elodie2019 :  “If you want to repair the damage you just did in therapy, which may have destroyed your marriage because you staight up told him that you don’t trust him and think he is lying to you and being shady. You need to tell him.”I trust you. I really do trust you and I believe you that there is nothing inappropriate going on. I believe you. I am really sorry that I brought her up. You being close with her bothers me but I will work on it because I trust you. We had a fantastic time together and I am really looking forward to going away again.”

This is excellent advice. OP, I agree that you should apologise to your husband for what you said in therapy. 

Post # 930
Member
517 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

alezv87 :  Here is my advice to you. And I hope you listen.

You have asked, he has ansered.

Do you trust your husband? If yes, believe him.

Give him the benefit of any doubt.

Forget about this friend.

Stop over analyzing every message.

You are searching and grasping at anything to find some motive from her. Why?

Think the best of her. Choose to think the best of her, for your own sanity.

There is nothing to suggest she wants your husband.

There’s a saying, if you love and want someone it doesn’t matter who wants you. If your husband loves and wants you it doesn’t matter if Heidi Klum, Emma Stone, insert celebity here, wants him, he wants you. He is choosing you, everyday and with every therapy session.

Let it go.

Give her the benefit of the doubt.

Stop being bothered. Decide you won’t let it bother you.

Stop reading the messages. For yourself and your sanity.

You find their communication excessive but you read it all and none of it is inappropriate.

It’s almost like you wish it were so you would have a reason to end it and not be the bad guy but the victim? If you do want to end it, you can for no reason at all!

Focus on yourself. The two of you have much bigger things to worry about. This friendship is inconsequential to your marriage. It’s not the cause or reason you have marital problems.

It annoys you, stop being annoyed. Forget about her. Take back your power. You are letting your suspicion of her motives consume you and ruin an entire lovely vacation and potentially further derail your marriage over a platonic friendship. If it was going to be something more would have happened before now. Give the benefit of any doubt. Pretend she is a man or a lesbian or believe that she is a woman that is not interested in your husband. Because you need to for your marriage and sanity.

If you want to divorce him because you thought he was as ambitous as you, and he isn’t, and you can’t be your brazen self with him without destroying the guy. And you realize you could change but you don’t want to. Divorce him but don’t try to pin this on some friendship.

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