(Closed) Marriage in trouble due to competition (career-wise) and his female friend

posted 4 months ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
243 posts
Helper bee

caligirlinmichigan :  Really? If my partner constantly criticized me and put me down all the time, I would want to leave too.

keysha :  She did update a few pages ago about what she’s ok with and what her future expectations are.

Post # 3
Member
907 posts
Busy bee

beetobe27 :  I just don’t get the sense that she criticized him or put him down constantly. Maybe I missed something. I’m still not on his side and his little date night antics are unacceptable imo 

Post # 3
Member
158 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2020 - City, State

beetobe27 :  right, but it’s been pages on pages of furious bees arguing a moot point.

Post # 3
Member
243 posts
Helper bee

caligirlinmichigan :  She admitted that she was constantly putting him down and criticizing him midway through the thread somewhere. 

His friendship sounds platonic from what she has said but she is  obsessed with it as if the friend going away would resolve all their problems magically.

Post # 3
Member
5696 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

caligirlinmichigan :  OP already acknowledged that she was like this in the past. 

Post # 3
Member
483 posts
Helper bee

soexcited123 :  exactly. They could have a totally platonic relationship, sure. But if my friend is telling me issues about his marriage and all this stuff, and they went on a vacation, i would leave them alone to work on their marriage. Even if i think I’m doing nothing wrong at all 

Post # 3
Member
1194 posts
Bumble bee

alezv87 :  “know that several members here have stated that they would put their foot down, but I think it would be counterproductive.”

So much yes to this, OP.  Repairing something always takes longer than it did to build it in the first place. Your therapy is just the beginning of getting back to normal in your marriage. Your husband has improved, and I agree with the therapist and many of the more rational posters here that pushing too hard about this friendship will destroy any progress that has been made. Patience will pay off better here than any kind of ultimatum. Give it 6 months, or however long the therapist thinks is prudent. I think the only time you truly have a problem is when your marriage is repaired and he’s still clinging to the friend. Until then, he needs someone to provide some sense of normalcy, whether it’s ideal or not. You guys are getting there! I truly think that the balance will shift back to more time with you and confidence in your relationship, and she will slowly phase out. Maybe never completely, but hopefully to a more tolerable level.     

Post # 3
Member
220 posts
Helper bee

I agree with this.  And also, I still hope, OP, that you reconsider going with him to meet up with her now and again.  Particularly if you suspect she may have feelings for him, it could serve to let her know that things are getting back on track and you’re a team again.  And who knows….you may actually come to like her!  She must have some redeeming qualities if he likes her so much.  At the very least, putting your best foot forward and acknowledging that part of his world could help to bring you and he closer.  Just my two cents.   bouviebee :  

Post # 3
Member
261 posts
Helper bee

alezv87 :  Well at least he was honest that he mentioned it to his friend, but it’s good that he has not been sharing too much information about your marriage with her. If she figured something was wrong and checked up on him asking how things were, that only shows concern. You should consider going to meet her. Just to know her. She sounds like a good friend.

caligirlinmichigan :  OP herself accepted that she used to go overboard with criticism and he hated how she talked to him, but you think it wasn’t overboard? Lol ok.

Post # 3
Member
336 posts
Helper bee

caligirlinmichigan :  I’m totally with you.  So she offered job advice without being asked and was upset when he turned down a big job opportunity… doesn’t seem that horrible to me.  And people were were jumping to call her abusive?!  She might not have always been the sweetest and most supportive wife, but come on.

Post # 3
Member
155 posts
Blushing bee

pinkflamingos :  It’s not always about what you say, but how you say it. Being sarcastic and repeatedly raising your voice or yelling at someone, as she said she used to do a few pages back, is not acceptable irrespective of how well meaning you are.

Post # 3
Member
12208 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

The H knew the OP saw that message so he really had no choice but to own up to it. I find it very hard to believe that in the midst of both OP’s marriage and the friend’s relationship problems, with all the hours of meetings after work, multiple days per week, and nightly messages that all they talked about was the weather. Also, she knew the marriage was struggling when they went away together. To make herself the focus and not give them space was not an accident. 

Enough has been said about ultimatums and OP’s priority right now, which is to save the marriage, and how some of us would feel differently.  But some of this is also dependant on the therapist’s approach. If she continues to normalize the friend’s behavior, so will he. 

Post # 3
Member
73 posts
Worker bee

So he will have his friend on the side for God knows how long and you will turn a blind eye? Is that what it is? I find it odd and I must ask, and I hope you won’t mind, but is love and him being a caring guy the sole reason that you are with him? No judgment, but you did say he was from a well-connected and influential family with his father and others in the legal field. Do you subconsciously want to stay on because of the benefits being married to him bring you? Because you said yourself that you had greatly benefited from his network and contacts. This is not uncommon and frankly there is nothing wrong with it. But I just find it hard to understand why a successful and self-respecting woman would stay with a man who was deaf to her needs and attached to another woman. Just shaking my head at this.

 

weddingmaven :   You are right that he might not admit he overshared even if he did.

Post # 3
Member
173 posts
Blushing bee

weddingmaven :   But some of this is also dependant on the therapist’s approach. If she continues to normalize the friend’s behavior, so will he. 

This is a valid concern. It should be up to the therapist, not OP, to enable him to see why OP’s feelings are equally important. This therapist doesn’t see if from her POV. But it might be too soon for a new therapist?

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