(Closed) Marriage in trouble due to competition (career-wise) and his female friend

posted 6 months ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
876 posts
Busy bee

tobeeeornottobeee :  lol yeah I think she has things she needs to change but I think he went overboard looking for an excuse to cozy up with his special friend and OP is super terrified of losing him so she’s taking all the blame on her own shoulders. Lol!

Post # 3
Member
876 posts
Busy bee

pinkflamingos :  I feel like this is the twilight zone for real. She admits she was harsh on him and criticized him so therefore it’s totally cool that the husband has an emotional affair? I’m honestly just so confused. 

Post # 3
Member
339 posts
Helper bee

jasminek :  That’s extremely rude and unhelpful.

caligirlinmichigan :  Nobody knows if there is an affair to begin with. Obviously if there was one, it wouldn’t be ok, but her therapist would have a better idea than any of us. She thinks it’s platonic.

Post # 3
Member
876 posts
Busy bee

chocco :  well the therapist only knows what the husband tells her. I said months ago I’ve never heard of a guy who goes on dates with a female “friend” several days per week. I’ve literally never heard of such a thing in all my life. That’s super unusual and suspicious imo. 

Post # 3
Member
87 posts
Worker bee

 Harsh maybe, but what I said was not rude. I am struggling to understand why a successful and self-respecting woman would put up with this crap. So I asked if other than loving her husband there were some other reasons making her want to stay with him, and after reading her posts I could only think of those reasons.

chocco :  

Post # 3
Member
155 posts
Blushing bee

alezv87 :  I know you are giving it your best shot and making effort. I was replying to someone else’s post about it.

Post # 3
Member
201 posts
Helper bee

alezv87 :  You did something wrong in the past but that doesn’t and shouldn’t mean that you can’t put your foot down. You are running out of patience and you can’t wait for him to wake up forever.

Post # 3
Member
218 posts
Helper bee

I think it’s a very positive sign that you not only recognize but also accept that you messed up. HOWEVER you should not stand for what you fear could turn into attraction soon. And you said there already is attraction from one side. 

Post # 3
Member
311 posts
Helper bee

Yes, it does mean she can’t put her foot down, and no, she’s not running out of patience.  Please stop telling her how to feel.  The fact is (and it’s her fact, because she’s already acknowledged it repeatedly throughout these 79 (!) pages, that how she treated him for years caused him to lose feelings for her.  If someone berates you time and time again, your feelings towards them will naturally change.  However, he appears to be a stand up guy who wants to honor his commitment and OP appears to be a mature responsible adult who is big enough to admit her shortcomings.  Therefore, they have decided to work on their relationship and try to make it work.  Neither one are going to make that or allow that to happen overnight.  Rebuilding trust and feelings take time.  Lots of it.  I applaud them for putting in the effort.  Realistically… although sure, I’d prefer to see him put the friend aside while they work things out, he likely needs proof that her new approach to their marriage is real and that won’t happen overnight.  Understand that he was literally about to leave her when this all blew up.  Again, I applaud both of them and hoping for great results.  Lasting results.  Hang in there OP!  mel76 :  

Post # 3
Member
124 posts
Blushing bee

alezv87 :  Have you shared your concerns about the friend looking at your husband as more than friends with your therapist? If you have specific examples that make you think this, you should definitely talk to your therapist. 

Also, even if you made mistakes in the past and accept blame, you should be careful about accepting responsibility for all that is wrong with your marriage. I think you know that some of what your husband is doing is not justifiable. The person who said you taking all the blame to avoid losing him probably meant this.

I agree with pp that you should accompany him next time to see the friend to present a united front. She should get the message that your marriage is improving.

caligirlinmichigan :  Absolutely. Any suggestion that what the husband is doing is acceptable because of her past actions is crazy. And she shouldn’t accept blame for his conduct like she is.

Post # 3
Member
218 posts
Helper bee

cart :  I think the point some of us are making is not that he should not have someone to lean on for support. It’s whether he should be leaning on a woman who quite likely has romantic feelings for him at a time when his marriage is on shaky ground. You have to ask whether this friend has his best interests at heart and is supporting him while his marriage is struggling, or she has her own agenda. I think OP is also scared for the same reason, that he might develop feelings for her as the grass in greener, because repairing a struggling marriage is serious hard work.

I find the below statement by OP very concerning and it shows why she is turning a blind eye:

“I wouldn’t have tolerated the closeness with his friend had I not realised where I went wrong. “

 

Bees are going on about how we should support her but part of supporting and having good intentinons for someone is also to warn them when you think they are beating themselves up over something that is not a result of their own actions. This sentence shows that she is accepting him putting this friendship first because she messed up. She should not be punishing herself.

 

Also, her therapist does not quite get her concerns, does she? I get why she won’t change her therapist, but perhaps a fresh approach from someone else would do a world of good for her. 

 

Post # 3
Member
311 posts
Helper bee

I don’t disagree with you (except the part about the therapist), I just don’t see this as OP continually blaming herself – I think she’s just accepted a course of action (as difficult as it probably is for her) and we just have to let it play out.  

As I said on page 35 (!), I don’t think we’re all (all….both sides of the aisle…me included) doing her any favors by coming in here every day telling her how she should feel or what she should do.  It’s a really difficult situation for both I’m sure (I really wonder what his post would look like?).  She has come back to answer questions and give updates, but notice she hasn’t asked any of our opinions since page 1.  Yes, she deserves our support and yes, we ALL wish he would ditch the friend, no doubt.  But prodding her to put her foot down instead of taking baby steps back like she has committed to do is probably not going to get her what she ultimately wants, which is her husband back.  If he’s backed into a corner, he just may go the other way.  

I think we all mean well.

chiara :  

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