(Closed) Marriage in trouble due to competition (career-wise) and his female friend

posted 6 months ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
277 posts
Helper bee

caligirlinmichigan :  Could her H be lying in therapy? Of course. But what option does OP have? She either trusts him to be honest or not. 

alezv87 :  Have you made it known to your husband that your long term expectation is for him to gradually let go of the closeness with this friend? The last thing you want is for him to believe the friend can be around just how she is now even if your marriage improves. You should have a deadline but if no deadline, you should make it clear that you are not permanently accepting this much closeness with another woman since it bothers you so much. Else he might turn around and later tell you that he said he was always going to be friends with her and you accepted it etc.

 

cart :  It’s a very long thread because most bees who post about an ongoing issue do so in different update threads but OP has chosen to update in the same thread. 

chiara :  A different therapist might see her point of view but her husband might be less than willing to start with a new therapist all over again. Even if the friend has an agenda, he’s not going to let go of the friendship yet, is he? So what’s the point of saying that he is seeking support from a person with the wrong intentions?

Post # 3
Member
124 posts
Blushing bee

cart :  “The fact is (and it’s her fact, because she’s already acknowledged it repeatedly throughout these 79 (!) pages, that how she treated him for years caused him to lose feelings for her. “

You do know that people can be manipulated into believing they are the ones to blame right? If you repeat something over and over, at a time when the person you are blaming is terrified of losing you, you can easily convince that person that your shitty behavior is all their fault.You treated me so badly all these years, I needed someone to support and comfort me! 

 

100% agree with what she said:

 

caligirlinmichigan :  “yeah I think she has things she needs to change but I think he went overboard looking for an excuse to cozy up with his special friend and OP is super terrified of losing him so she’s taking all the blame on her own shoulders. Lol!”

Post # 3
Member
102 posts
Blushing bee

cart :  I’m catching up on this thread after a couple of weeks and I’m (pleasantly) surprised by the updates. Earlier in the thread, OP kept insisting that how she was treating her husband was not unacceptable because she meant well and wanted him to be ambitious once again, because he was no longer the man she married. Therapy must be working after all, seeing she is now beginning to understand why he was shutting down emotionally. 

 

Post # 3
Member
310 posts
Helper bee

“ You do know that people can be manipulated into believing they are the ones to blame right?“  

Yes, I do.  But there is zero evidence of that being the case here.  Literally none.  So why stop there?   I mean, as long as we’re inventing story lines, let’s make them good…. alexandrite :  

Post # 3
Member
218 posts
Helper bee

cart :  The therapist has been validating her husband’s views while rejecting OP’s views about the friendship not being platonic at least on one side. Bias from the therapist is not helpful and OP is now blaming herself. Sounds like her therapist is not making the husband take any responsibilty for the damage. 

Post # 3
Member
5859 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

chiara :  so it is only not okay because the therapist seems to understand the husband’s point of view, that is unacceptable bias however I have a feeling you wouldn’t call it unacceptable bias if it seemed like she understood OP’s view more.  How does that work? 

I can’t believe how many people think they are a professional and know so much more than their therapist.  Some are even saying the therapist is only getting the husband’s side. Obviously right now we are only getting OP’s side, but the therapist has been speaking to BOTH of them. 

I really just don’t see what people are trying to achieve by telling OP her therapist is wrong. 

Post # 3
Member
310 posts
Helper bee

 “ The therapist has been validating her husband’s views while rejecting OP’s views about the friendship not being platonic at least on one side. 

And that’s probably because it IS platonic!!! Again, we have NO evidence to the contrary, and OP has agreed to operate under that assumption for purposes of the work she has to do.  So let’s let her!!!!  

Yes, OP is jealous of the closeness they have – who wouldn’t be – but that doesn’t mean they’re having an affair.  I feel like if they were, H would be completely checked out and wouldn’t go through the motions of counseling – he’d just leave. I agree that I wish he’d focus on OP rather than the friend right now, but for whatever reason, he’s not and this is the playing field they have at the moment.  That STILL doesn’t mean they’re having an affair, no matter how many times we say it here. The therapist, who has heard both sides and presumably has a decent read on H, doesn’t seem to think so and none of us here are qualified to dispute that from where we sit. We’d be most helpful to OP if we’d stop re-writing her story and stick with only what she has told us.    chiara :  

Post # 3
Member
1277 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

cart :  I think the fact this married man is spending multiple nights weekly grabbing drinks alone with this woman already means there has to be some emotional element here. Also the fact if it is platonic why isn’t the wife welcome to these hangouts? I find it absurd that sone posters are suggesting the wife has to ask pernission to join her own husband im having drinks with some other female. Not to mention he is so protective of This friendship with this other women and won’t dial back all This at the expense of his wife. They may not literally be screwing but something is amiss. Lets say for arguments sake there isn’t any emotional element clearly it makes his wife uncomfortable and at tue end of the day the health of his marriage and his wife should be his top women any day of the week. Lets put it like this is he was over at his mom’s house multiple times a week all the bees would say he shouldn’t be over at his mom’s that much his wife comes first not his mom he needs to be paying attention to his marriage but how come when it is some other women she has to accept that he is just going to continue on with this? It is very concerning that he is that stubborn about backing away from This friendship. Backing away from the friendship doesnt make him this grand hero in this marriage it means he is doing what should be expected at This point.This isn’t like its a work outing every Wednesday evening with mixed genders and just everyone from the company grts together for drinks no spouses to discuss work.

Post # 3
Member
454 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2020

One of the bees again said she caused this by “berating him day after day” or something along those lines.  Some people are saying don’t jump to conclusions about the friendship, but a lot of people are jumping to conclusions about how badly OP acted.  What she describes doesn’t sound like constant “berating” to me.

Post # 3
Member
310 posts
Helper bee

   “I think the fact this married man is spending multiple nights weekly grabbing drinks alone with this woman already means there has to be some emotional element here. Also the fact if it is platonic why isn’t the wife welcome to these hangouts?

 But she IS welcome — OP has so far CHOSEN not to go.  Again, let’s not re-write the script.  

Also, the “emotional element” is that the the friend gave this guy validation while OP was spending years critiquing him.  Can’t entirely fault the guy for not wanting to give that up until he has solid proof (which will come in the form of time) that his wife is ready to have his back.  Instead of giving him props for giving her that opportunity and staying, we want to vilify him for not trusting her with open arms on day one.  

If the roles were reversed and this were the wife having spent years not being validated and being critiqued, we would all be screaming at her to leave immediately.

Again, I don’t disagree with y’all that it would be better if he put the friend on the back burner, but let’s not turn that into something it isn’t.    soexcited123 :  

Post # 3
Member
1277 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

cart :  Alright let’s say his wife wasn’t providing him with sex as much that he wanted and he went elsewhere to get his sexual satisfactions met we would say how terrible that is and that doesnt give him a green light to go and run into another women’s arms and sleep with her. So this is the same case except it is emotionally. His wife may not be providing him with what he needs emotionally but it doesn’t mean it is a green light to go elsewhere emotionally. 

Post # 3
Member
454 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2020

She is only welcome now because she told him she was going to go with them.  He didn’t actually invite her.

Post # 3
Member
3097 posts
Sugar bee

cart :  I would definitely NOT go as far to say that she is welcome on their outings. 

He admitted that originally these meetings were his escape from stress at work and bitterness at home.  

So PLEASE do not rewrite the script on that.

 

Post # 3
Member
12472 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

alezv87 :   “He said that he sometimes feels detached and a sense of disconnect, but he was working on it because our relationship had improved.”

And apparently neither of them understands how his primary emotional connection, oh, excuse me, his “support system” may have anything to do with that? His actions speak louder than his words. 

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