(Closed) Marriage in trouble due to competition (career-wise) and his female friend

posted 6 months ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

pinkflamingos :  Yes which is what i was referring to. I even think its odd that someone’s own wife would need an invite for their husband to meet up solo for drinks with another female. I can’t imagine how this would go down. “Hey babe tonight I’m going out for drinks with Erica.” My natural reaction as a wife if I don’t have anything else going out would be that I’m welcome to join. I don’t think the thought would even enter my mind that my husband would flat out tell me im not invited. “No babe sorry I just wanna be alone with this other women for drinks you as my wife are not invited.”

Post # 3
Member
11095 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

alezv87 :  

 

 

Wait.  What?  Bee, you don’t think your husband’s “friend” knows you have problems with their special “friendship”?  This defies logic, Bee.  Your husband spends more than enough time with this woman in intimate settings for her to know damn near everything about you.  They are not sitting around collecting weather statistics.

From at least the moment she started crying on your husband’s shoulder about breaking up with her bf, the fuse was lit.

For some Bees to even suggest that there may not be an “emotional element” is ludicrous.  A married man does not spend this kind of time and jeapordize his marriage for just a pal.

Maybe a few Bees need to ask some actual adult male friends and/or SOs to weigh in.  Brace yourselves.

Post # 3
Member
11095 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

zzar45 :  

I can’t believe how many people here believe that therapists walk on water and could never possibly be incompetent, agenda driven, or just plain crappy.

It delights me that you have never had the misfortune of meeting or working with any of these menaces.

Post # 3
Member
11095 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

caligirlinmichigan :  

Yeah. Let’s think this one all the way through.  Is this a two way street?

Post # 3
Member
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

laurana1 :  I dont know i think the whole making your vows think does mean once you make your vows your spouse comes first even before you family of origin let alone friends. If I had a close guy friend of many years which is what you are saying she was a close female friend in this case of many years I would be completely understanding if his wife didn’t like him hanging out alone with me multiple times a week and for the sake of the marriage had to cut back or even severe ties. I would expect my guy friends wife to come first. If a female friend is hurt by that then I think she thinks too highly of herself and their friendship to actually even think she should take precedence over a WIFE. I would laugh in the face of a female friend who thought she had more of a right to my husband than i do.

 

It don’t matter how many tough times she helped him through. The point is their friendship crossed a line by hanging out with a married man multiple times along for drinks and his wife is now deciding she wants to work on the marriage therefore she needs to know her place and step back so her guy friend can be there for his wife. Knowing someone for years doesnt give a right to cross boundaries or to have more claim to the person. Not to mention as a fellow woman even if you don’t know the wife from Adam I would be saying look dude you are spending an awful lot of time with me over your wife I get you are having issues but confiding in me is not going to help your marriage go be home with your wife. She isn’t exactly innocent here either. 

Post # 3
Member
449 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2020

sassy411 :  Exactly, therapists are just people like anyone else.  Some are good, some are bad.  Also, the husband could easily be misrepresenting/downplaying things to the therapist.  If something is going on with his friend, but he’s still not sure if he wants to leave his marriage, it would be pretty dumb of him to tell her the truth.  Sorry, but saying you’re too busy to hang out with your wife while you were hanging out with another woman two times a week is a major red flag.

Post # 3
Member
136 posts
Blushing bee

I wanna go back to where the OP used any potential children as a bargaining chip in trying to get the H to do her bidding, when she said she MIGHT be willing to do more than half the child care, IF he took on this monstrous job. 

At first, being an old childless lady, i was stunned that it seemed she believed she truly could do only half. OTOH, i was raised by such a mother, and i dont recommend it to any child. But finally, there is the aspect of using the child as a pawn. 

It seemed to stop cold any future talk of children. I wonder if the issue of the lady friend is just a red herring? Easier to argue about and try to control than the REAL issue, which is the idk insecure attachment style of the OP? Which i share, btw. I dont mean to just point fingers.

Post # 3
Member
877 posts
Busy bee

I still say the wife didn’t do anything all that bad; the husbands attitude on life and career started to change two years ago which coincidentally is the same time he started spending excessive amount of time on dates with his “friend” and in order to not be bad guy in this situation blames it all on how the wife “talked down” to him for years. Sorry I’m just not buying it. I think it’s nice the OP wants to do self reflection and improve as a person but I think at this point the husband is just as much to blame if not more so for the strange situation they find themselves in.  I just hope she doesn’t turn herself into a doormat just to keep her husband. 

Post # 3
Member
11095 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

henryetta :  

What difference does it make what OP said or didn’t say?  Is there some special language that greenlights his emotional affair?

If he felt mistreated by his wife, he had other remedies.

—*Talk* to his wife.

—Insist on marriage counseling.

—Divorce.

 

 But, to listen to some Bees tell, it, the poor man had no other choice but emotional cheating.

Not enough Bees bothered to do even the most rudimentary research on emotional affairs before foolishly popping off.

Post # 3
Member
12467 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

caligirlinmichigan :  OP has been married for 3 years. As you say, the H started to get “annoyed” by her work related comments about 2 years ago. Fair enough. But she only described a true “rift” between them, including a lack of all intimacy and a new closeness with the friend as being “recent” in her early posts, a matter of only few months. Those things, plus the demise of the friend’s relationship, did seem to coincide, and not all that long ago. 

I think it’s fair to ask which came first, the chicken or the egg. Did the H become more and more resentful and distant over time and seek out his friend for support or did his increasingly close relationship trigger a less than tolerant attitude. Or both? 

Post # 3
Member
11095 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

weddingmaven :  

Good catch, Bee.  Always go back to your timeline.

Post # 3
Member
201 posts
Helper bee

alezv87 :  But you offered it like a bargaining chip, because you wanted him to take that job. It wasn’t as if he wanted to take it and you were supporting him by offering to take up more childcare if you had kids. 

Post # 3
Member
3538 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

weddingmaven :  Why oh WHY are you so invested in convincing this woman that her husband is having an inappropriate relationship with his friend? She is trying to save her damn marriage and she is trying to work through their communication issues, her insecurities about the friend, and a myriad of other issues.

The last thing she needs is you incessant screeching about just how upset *you* would be if you were her and your constant assertions that you are somehow better equipped to judge the merits of her husband’s words and behaviours than their therapist is. 

Just. Stop. 

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