(Closed) Marriage in trouble due to competition (career-wise) and his female friend

posted 5 months ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
136 posts
Blushing bee

alezv87 :  If you can’t find an hour in your schedule now to see a therapist, how are you going to deal with a child’s needs? And that is the kind of thing – attachment, connection – i am saying your h is simply not getting from you. He wouldnt get it from me either. Im just not wired that way. He is. His friend seems to be, all that texting nonsense. 

Its just two really different ways of being in the world. Neither one is better, or right, or wrong. I think thats why this thread seems endless. 

Why not talk about how you guys would handle kids? If you cant come to any agreement, maybe the relationship is moot. It has nothing to do with the lady friend. Just assume she is out of the picture. Then what?

Post # 3
Member
277 posts
Helper bee

weddingmaven :  What’s your point? Her first message on the thread has information on the timeline of her marriage and on this friendship, so the timing of events is not something that requires extensive analysis to understand.

 

henryetta :  To be fair to her, she said in her older posts that she would have to make changes to her life, significant ones, if she had a baby. If I remember correctly, she said she only preferred one child for this very reason. I doubt she needs questioning on possible future events and choices at this time when she is fixing her marriage. 

alezv87 :  Why don’t you join your husband when he next sees this girl? You might realize she’s not after him or aiming to ‘steal’ him after all. 

Post # 3
Member
201 posts
Helper bee

weddingmaven :  Well spotted. And OP’s confirmation that friend and husband have been spending more time together since her own relationship came to an end really makes you wonder. 

OP, did the incessant texting also begin around this time, as she had more time on her hands?

beetobe27 :  The timeline analysis just reconfirms that the friend and husband have been closer of late, more than they used to be in the years they have known each other, and enough for his wife to notice.That is bound to raise eyebrows. 

henryetta :  Huh? Are you justifying his attachment to his friend by saying OP cannot give him the kind of attachment he requires? 

Post # 3
Member
88 posts
Worker bee

If you were having problems for so long, why did you not go for counseling sooner? Why did you wait for your marriage to be at breaking point?

Also what happened to meeting friend every other week? Have you decided not to ask again? Did the therapist also not ask again?

Post # 3
Member
12292 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

beetobe27 :  The point is that some people were assuming things had gotten as bad as they were going to get totally independent of the friend and that wasn’t true. It turns out H started coming home late, messaging his friend and seeing her constantly, without as you may recall even the courtesy of a heads up to his wife, around the time this woman was having trouble in her own relationship.

Yes, he and the OP were already having problems, but they seem to have gotten considerably worse at this time, including their love life, which as I recall had not been totally absent until then. 

Post # 3
Member
277 posts
Helper bee

weddingmaven :  It sounds like their marriage gradually got worse and somewhere down the line, he started withdrawing like she said and instead chose to stay away and also spent time with his friend. She said on the previous page that he started hanging out with his friend after their issues began. The issues didn’t begin after he started hanging out with his friend.

There is nothing to indicate that the friend is the source of their problems or that she hoped to create problems for them.

Post # 3
Member
10951 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

mel76 :  

I think you said it quite well.

The “friend” crying to OP’s husband about breaking up with her bf is a pretty classic move.  Possibly another chicken v egg question.

What’s coming into focus now is OP’s reluctance to dig deeper.  That really speaks volumes.

What is holding her back from doing a little boat rocking in service of getting to the truth?

Post # 3
Member
1316 posts
Bumble bee

Honestly, I think it’s time to close this thread. The OP is working on her marriage with her husband, she doesn’t need advice anymore. This is 82 pages of the bees circling like vultures over this woman’s marriage, arguing the same issues amongst each other over and over and over. 

Post # 3
Member
12292 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

beetobe27 :   I’m not saying they didn’t have issues before he started seeing the friend, I’m saying they seemed to get worse. 

Post # 3
Member
339 posts
Helper bee

alezv87 :  Bee, you should go and meet this woman as many have said. Part of your anxiety stems from not knowing her or her intentions and meeting her might reassure you. If he goes to see her next week, suggest that you would like to join them to get to know her better. You said you are planning to do so in the next month, but if you do it sooner, it’ll be better for you.

Post # 3
Member
274 posts
Helper bee

Completely and totally agree with closing this thread!  OP, are you getting anything else out of it at this point? All I’m seeing it do now is cause continuing division among the hive.  It’s clear that nobody on either side is going to convince anyone on the other side that they’re wrong.  (even though they are! 😁). strawberrysakura :  

Post # 3
Member
88 posts
Worker bee

cart :  Kind of see why you are suggesting that because too many bees trying to make her more insecure. 

OP if you close the thread please let us know what eventually happens!

Post # 3
Hostess
9689 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL

Closing due to multiple flags

OP – please feel free to open a new thread to provide updates

The topic ‘Marriage in trouble due to competition (career-wise) and his female friend’ is closed to new replies.

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