Marriage is hard?

posted 5 months ago in Married Life
Post # 17
Member
2421 posts
Buzzing bee

I also got married last June and the first 8 months have been a breeze. We’ve been together for 3 years total and our whole relationship has been incredibly easy and natural, and marriage hasn’t changed that. We already lived together so the only practical change was combining finances, which has only made life easier. We haven’t been thrown any major curveballs yet.

I’m sure my marriage will face challenges in the future, but I expect them to be mostly external things that we’ll weather together — ttc and parenting, long distance moves, home purchases, health issues, aging parents, family disagreements, career changes, etc. I’m sure sometimes those things will make marriage hard, because sometimes life is hard and of course that will affect relationships. I hope those things will bring us closer together, but I do expect that sometimes it will feel hard, and that’s okay.

I don’t think marriage should feel hard as in you’re always fighting, but I think it’s natural for relationships to fizzle at times and for there to be an active effort put into spicing things up or reconnecting. And I’m sure my perspective on this will be different in 10, 20, or 30 years when I’ve gone through more of those things. 

Post # 18
Member
274 posts
Helper bee

I think marriages that are the hardest, were ones that should have never been made in the first place/a mistake.

Being someone that has dated a ton of a-holes that talked marriage… I am glad I ended things every time.

Now I wouldn’t say things are hard with the right guy. Sometimes he annoys me but normally its because his career choice annoys me… or his way of doing things is backwards af… But it is stuff I can deal with. Doing things differently isn’t being a bad person. I could have way worse things to deal with than that. Being a little annoyed he got held up in work… again… is easier to deal with than some loser who isn’t pulling his weight at home or at all. Just small examples.

Post # 19
Member
1001 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

What might be considered “hard work” to some might be considered a normal and expected amount of maintenance in a relationship to others. It’s all subjective. I agree that marriage shouldn’t feel like a struggle on a day to day basis, though.

Post # 20
Member
17 posts
Newbee

I think relationships can be hard when life is hard. We have dealt with addiction and infidelity so it is definitely not the “normal” hard things. We have been together since high school and have experienced a number of growing pains that have made things difficult but it has always been worth it. Poor choices were made on both of our parts so now I would say we do put a lot of work to keep our relationship solid. This to us means making time for each other even with busy schedules and keeping each other in the loop with any struggles we are experiencing. I will say it makes me feel pretty terrible when I read the above comments on how easy marriage is to some but I am happy that is the case for the PPs.

Post # 21
Member
2374 posts
Buzzing bee

llevinso :  “I don’t think marriage is hard. In fact, I think a lot of people use that expression to excuse crappy relationships.”

From personal experience, I didn’t think I was saying that to excuse my crappy relationship (because it was, indeed, the crappiest).  These articles and certain parts of society made me believe that marriage was hard.  Like I honestly thought everyone was going through the same struggles and it was just accepted as part of marriage.

Obviously, my ignorance and lack of experience in relationships played into this as well.  

 

Post # 22
Member
143 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

My relationship with my husband is the easiest part of my life. Married for 6 years, together for 11. We are great at communicating and supporting each other. I am always baffled when some one tells me how much hard work marriage is for them. When life gets hard having my D H by my side makes things better.

Post # 23
Member
7297 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I think marriage takes effort and sometimes it’s hard, but it shouldn’t be a daily struggle. Especially for people who get married after having established a life on their own it’s an adjustment to blend that life with someone else. Loving my husband is very easy, but sometimes living with him drives me crazy. 

Post # 24
Member
1381 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

I think marriage is work, but it doesn’t have to be hard.  Every morning, I CHOOSE to love my husband, I choose to make his day better, I choose US over everything else 

Post # 25
Member
1748 posts
Bumble bee

I think marriage is hard work. Hard work to me means concerted effort. I think some people say it’s easy because it’s work that’s totally worth it. But most things in life other than sitting around watching tv are work.

Post # 26
Member
6673 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

sharpshooter :  Yes that’s exactly what I meant. Society drills home the idea that “marriage is hard” so people assume that their “crappy” relationship is just par for the course and everyone deals with this. That it’s supposed to be hard because that’s what everyone says. 

Post # 27
Member
682 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2020

I think the “hard” part or the “work” part comes from not getting lazy in your relationship, not necessarily that it is difficult to love them.

My fiance and I both work full-time and are enrolled in master’s programs part-time. A couple weeks ago I was starting to feel like we were living separate lives so we had a heart-to-heart about making sure we connected with each other (truly, not just brief check-ins) each night. We’ve also committed to going on a date once per week (even if it’s just a fancier dinner at home).

I could see how living like we had for months or years on end would cause us to drift. So the “work” will come from making sure we are prioritizing ourselves no matter what gets thrown our way (work, school, kids, etc.).

Post # 28
Member
971 posts
Busy bee

I’ve been married 5 years and I would say it’s been very easy. Way easier than when I lived at home with siblings. 

We are expecting our first child soon and maybe things will get more difficult then?

Post # 29
Member
2853 posts
Sugar bee

llevinso :  “I don’t think marriage is hard. In fact, I think a lot of people use that expression to excuse crappy relationships…I think LIFE is hard. Hopefully your partner makes navigating the difficulties of life easier.”

Totally this. Our relationship/marriage has been one of the easiest, happiest things of my life. We definitely have our challenges, but that’s because life is challenging and we deal with those challenges togegther. If anything he makes it easier.

That said – we’ve only been together 3.5 yrs and married for 1.5. So I can’t pretend to be a marriage expert. 

Post # 30
Member
2374 posts
Buzzing bee

Regardless of if you say “hard work” or “work” a marriage/relationship should not be a constant struggle.  It should be something you want and enjoy working for.  

SO and I have times where we are like ships passing in the night and it’s important to both of us to reconnect.  Doesn’t matter what it is we are doing, as long as it’s quality time together (which is our common love language).  Exactly like CloverBells  mentioned about making time to prioritize the relationship.   

And when life gets hard, your partner should be there to try to make your life easier.  

 

 

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