Marriage is hard?

posted 5 months ago in Married Life
Post # 31
Member
1174 posts
Bumble bee

I think most marriages will suffer the hard work when kids come into the picture, and even more so with multiple kids. The dynamics of your relationship alter drastically, and doors are left open for all sorts of negative experiences – resentment, jealously, irritability, for potentially years at a time. You will both need looking after, but there’s only so much you can give each other while also giving everything to your children and also trying to keep yourself afloat. 

I also think the marriage work in general is more recognisable after say 30-40 years, in the later years of your life, rather than after 10 or less years in your 20s or 30s. I don’t think the vast majority of weddingbee users are there yet, so it’s not a place to find answers about the longevity of marriage. 

Post # 32
Member
21 posts
Newbee

I’m almost a year in and I have never thought it was hard. Maybe because we talked about almost everything long before we got serious, then more talks before moving in, more talks before getting married. There was never a moment when we didn’t feel on the same page as they other. 

Does he sometimes piss me off? God yes. Do I piss him off? For sure. We talk it out and move on. 

Post # 33
Member
265 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I haven’t found marriage hard.  I also checked with my Darling Husband and he hasn’t either.  We represent all the things that should have made marriage hard – together only 1.5 years before wedding, didn’t live together or have sex before marriage, and got pregnant the month after getting married.  Our first year was easy.  We’re 7 years in now (8.5 together) and it still feels pretty easy.

we sometimes argue but we argue fair, which is huge.  I think the big issue is that we both make our spouse our top priority (aside from God).  We make date nights happen and we enforce bedtime so that we get time to talk in the evenings.  He is my rock and I strive to be his.  I will say that I feel like my flaws are magnified in marriage.  I wouldn’t have said that I am a selfish person, but I can see my selfish side more clearly in the context of marriage.  Because my first thought is initially what I want.  I have to think about letting his desires trump sometimes, etc.

Post # 34
Member
1349 posts
Bumble bee

Sometimes it can be hard.  And the more bad luck stressors like illness, job loss, devastating events like a house fire, etc., the more hard times or conditions for them will be thrown at a marriage.  Marriage itself in the whole being hard, no.  

My husband and I have no children, are financially stable and have less stressors than some of our married friends. We’ve still had some weeks that were tough, that had a wall for us to get over.  Overall ours is easy.  But to me it should be with good health, livelihood & no kids.  

I would say that some of my best friends do have difficult marriages though. But they are also in some of the most trying times of their marriage between the ages of their children, spouses frequently traveling for work, heavy work loads in general, still trying to build financial stability, some health issues, etc.  I don’t think less of their marriages because of it though.  Life is hard sometimes and marriage is life shared.  

Post # 35
Member
7904 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

It was easy breezy until we had a baby. It is still not super tough, but having a kid has tested our relationship in ways I couldn’t really have anticipated beforehand.

Post # 37
Member
2379 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse

juneweddingbee :  I’m a firm believer that with any relationship, married, dating, friends, parents,etc. the relationship shouldn’t be hard unless it’s coming from external factors. 

Moving in together definitely can shake some couples up. Some couples disagree a lot or argue. 

But if you feel like marriage is hard then there’s probably some unresolved issues or incompatibility. 

That’s why I married my husband. All of my other relationships were full of drama and fights. With my husband, it was always easy. We have always communicated well, we feel the same on every basic moral/ethic issue and we always talk about major life decisions to include each other. If we didn’t do these things, yes marriage would be hard. 

Post # 38
Member
4967 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

juneweddingbee :  we got married in October 2017, then in March of 2018, his brothers wife died and my dad went into a drug rehab all in the same WEEK. We faced some really heavy stuff right at the beginning of our marriage. I feel like it made us so much stronger

I also don’t believe that marriage made us stronger or weaker. We would have handled things the same way even if we weren’t married. It’s not the marriage that makes things hard, it’s the relationship. I think if you have a solid relationship, marriage won’t change that and make things more difficult 

your life circumstances are what brings the struggles, not the marriage 

Post # 40
Member
3551 posts
Sugar bee

I never found marriage to be hard, though I did find my husband to be a pain in the ass sometimes. I don’t think of marriage as difficult, I never did. Marriage is a choice you make every day to think of someone else’s needs, not just your own.

Post # 41
Member
1160 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2019 - USA

juneweddingbee :  I’m not married yet (1 month to go!!!) but I think just… relationships can be tough. You always are going to have to work through issues and continue to choose to be together through all that hard stuff. Maybe people say marriage is harder because there’s more pressure on a marriage failing vs a relationship failing? 

Post # 42
Member
2513 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

At different points in our marriage, yes, it’s been hard work.  It hasn’t been like that the whole time, but we are still married because of the work we put in when times were hard.

There was one point in our marriage where I was very close to leaving.  Trust me, it felt like hard work to choose to stay with someone I wanted to leave.  I still recognized my husband was a good man, but I couldn’t get passed some of the issues we were having.  The year after that was pure exhaustion, but we got through it.  I can’t think of any other phrase to describe that year as working hard to make our relationship work and working on ourselves.

Post # 43
Member
754 posts
Busy bee

I like the “life is hard” comments. I agree with that. I think marriage becomes hard if when life gets hard you don’t turn to your spouse. If you can’t/won’t turn to your spouse in hard times then I don’t think the foundation of the marriage is all that great. 

I also think what’s “hard” about a marriage is so subjective depending on the people and their personalities. I’m a control freak, I know this lol, and I swear I try to squash that thing inside me that wants to wring my husbands neck when he doesn’t do something how I would have done it but sometimes that monster comes out. For example, the other day I noticed my husband used one of our good, expensive towels to clean soak up some carpet cleaner stuff he had put down on the carpet. Why he would use THAT towel I have no idea when I have cleaning rags under the sink specifically for cleaning and I know he is aware of that. I know he thought he was doing something awesome by cleaning the carpets but it annoyed the shit out of me that he would use a nice towel for that. Sounds a little dumb writing it out but that’s how marriage is hard for me

Post # 44
Member
721 posts
Busy bee

Not married, but I think what you said is accurate- it’s not ALWAYS easy, but it should absolutely not be hard. Likely you’ll have days, weeks, months even where things are off, but that’s human nature. I have a friend who married at 23 and it’s been 4 years now- the first time I ever really thought about marriage being this or that was when this friend brought up how another acquaintance of ours was alway complaining about how challenging marriage is. My friend was in utter shock saying it shouldn’t be consistently difficult and that she and her husband really just enjoy being married. Sounds like you and your SO are a great match like them and maybe some of the lucky ones?! Who knows! Lol

Post # 45
Member
122 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

If you marry the right person, marriage is easy. I will say, kids have made it much harder (more stressful) but it still hasn’t shaken a good foundation .

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