(Closed) Marriage is hard… how?

posted 4 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
3449 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

sunshineflowers:  ” believe in no relationships outside of marriage.”

Please. Tell me what this means.

Post # 3
Member
7430 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

I’m also religious, so I will come at this question from that perspective.

Marriage is hard because it involves 2 sinners. That is the easy, obvious answer. There is no perfect person. Two people who have their own wants, needs, perspectives, etc are bound to disagree at least from time to time. Intimacy is not some magical barrier against that. Obviously, there are better ways to communicate than to disrespect a spouse. We all need to learn how to fight fair.

I do think you are in for a rude awakening if you think all fights can be avoided. I also don’t understand how you can learn how to be in a relationship effectively without dating.

Overall, I would say that marriage takes work and compromise. It shouldn’t be “hard” all the time, but yes, there will be hard times/situations in every relationship.

Post # 4
Member
1972 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016 - Sussex, UK

Well I’m not married yet but have been with my Fiance for four years and living together for two. We don’t have big fights but we irritate each other sometimes. Fiance works long hours with a long commute so he is often tired and irritable in the evenings. Also, his mother cleaned and cooked for him all the time so I still have to push him into doing these things and not leaving socks (always socks) everywhere for me to pick up.

Being able to laugh about things is so important in my opinion. Fiance and are are very silly sometimes, we have pet names for each other and stupid jokes between us. I don’t think marriage will change our relationship. I think the biggest change will come with having children if we are lucky enough to have them. The tiredness and the focus shifting from each other to a small human being must be quite challenging.

I’m interested to hear what other bees have to say.

Post # 5
Member
940 posts
Busy bee

Your life stops becoming about just you. It’s no longer about just your happiness. Compromise isn’t always as easy as it looks. And no matter how much you love someone it’s not always easy to be with them. You’re two separate people and you have to find a certain amount of balance. And believe it or not just because you marry someone doesn’t mean everything just falls into place. Marriage isn’t always hard, but there’s struggles. 

Post # 6
Member
587 posts
Busy bee

Well, because that’s how life is. There’s moments when you’re happy, and then there are moments when life is just difficult. Parts of marriage are hard because life in general can be hard. But situations that come up throughout life, such as losing a job or a sickness or an injury, are horrible to face on your own. Having that partner with you to go through difficult times and be there for you and be a part of you is the most comforting thing. Fights happen because people get stressed out an have disagreements, but in any good marriage, there is a mutual respect. My husband and I rarely fight. We bicker on occasion, but that’s mainly just us both being sarcastic and wanting to be right, but that’s just in a joking manner. We have fights over certain things, like big decisions, such as buying a home or a car, but we can compromise and find a solution we’re both happy with. We may not have a perfect marriage, but I feel like we have a great relationship. We have that need for each other, but you can still have respectful disagreements and still have those special intimate moments in the same day. Marriage to me isn’t about being perfect and never having hard moments, it’s about being real and going through the up’s and down’s of life with the one person that can make all of it feel okay again. Things happen, fights happen, but there is no one else I’d rather go to sleep with every night and wake up to every morning. I hope this all made sense, I’ve gotten no sleep tonight. Yay construction 👷

Post # 8
Member
1553 posts
Bumble bee

Because life is hard.

I’ve never once “hated” my husband in our ten year relationship, nor have I ever felt disrespected. Annoyed? Yes. Frustrated? Yes! 

Building a life with another person is hard. You’re two different people trying to merge and grow together, but you are still two very distinct individuals with your own unique personalities. You won’t spend every minute of every day smiling and agreeing with each other.

Things happen in life that you wouldn’t expect, and sometimes people (or ourselves) don’t respond the way that we expect or the way we want them to. That can be frustrating. Sometimes people are emotional rather than rational, no matter how many times you try and explain. People change over time and sometimes at the end of the day you’re no longer compatible.

Again, life is hard enough as an individual. Adding more people to the mix just makes it more complicated. 

But really, LIFE IS HARD.

Post # 9
Member
854 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Do you have any siblings? Do you ever disagree with them? With your best friend? With your parents? Loving someone doesn’t preclude disagreement, and, depending on your communication skills, subsequent fights. I’ll say that as a whole, I don’t feel my marriage is hard, it’s wonderful! But even though we really almost never fight, and we get along great, being married to ANYONE can be hard — for example, my  husband and I have each been training 8 years after college for our careers. Now, we are faced with the reality that only one of us can continue to pursue that career path full force, due to geographic restrictions. So, regardless of the fact that we do not disagree on this topic, SOMEONE has to give up a dream temporarily, and if we were single, no one would have to sacrifice. THAT is hard, no matter how much intimacy you have.

Post # 10
Member
7430 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

sunshineflowers:  When you use the word intimate/intimacy, do you just mean sex? There is a lot more to intimacy than sex. Sex is also a very common thing that causes disagreements in marriage (differing sex drive, etc), so it’s definitely not a barrier against all fights. 

Post # 11
Member
940 posts
Busy bee

sunshineflowers:  lol… nope. Not for me anyways. I’ve been married for 10 years and there’s days where I feel like I’ve had enough. It takes time to adjust. And when you think you’ve accepted everything something new seems to come along. I love my husband for everything he is, but it doesn’t make it simple all the time. It’s actually a really hard question you asked. And it’s difficult to explain. 

Post # 13
Member
940 posts
Busy bee

sunshineflowers:  I have a friend, she’s dated a lot. She has the mentality that if she has to work for it, it’s not worth it. So, as soon as the newness wears off and life happens she tends to bolt. She also complains about not being married into her 30’s. You’ll never find a perfect spouse. No matter what. There’s no such thing. You can be as compatible as they come, life will still cause hardtimes. It’s about fighting through the hard times. In my opinion you NEED those hard times to grow as a couple. Those are the times where you really learn to put your trust in someone. 

Post # 14
Member
7430 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

sunshineflowers:  Honestly, I think someone who has your type of idealistic perspective of marriage would be more likely to end up in divorce over people who understand that marriage takes work and is never perfect.

You have to be willing to stick it out and work through it when the tough times inevitably hit. I can see people who think marriage will be perfect all the time just bailing when things aren’t easy.

Post # 15
Member
9526 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

 

sunshineflowers:  reading you past posts it sound like you have not been in serious relationships. frankly, with them you sound very young. Live you life!

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