(Closed) Marriage is hard… how?

posted 4 years ago in Married Life
Post # 139
Member
3242 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I have a great marriage and right now sex isn’t possible because I have heath issues preventing it! So I would say it’s pleasant as part of a marriage but it can be lived without and the marriage doesn’t immediately crumble! 

Post # 140
Member
556 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Life. Simply, life. Life is imperfect, the people in it are imperfect. Our hardest times (granted before marriage, but were living like we were married) were living together, getting used to each other’s gross, irritating habits, etc.. Money was also a big issue when we first moved in together. We’d just bought a house, were paying off loans. Money plays a large part in happiness, unfortunately, since when living paycheck to paycheck, you never really have the funds to do fun things together, don’t have anything to spare, and even a $50 purchase can throw your budget way off.

 

Post # 141
Member
1066 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

sunshineflowers:  I think the biggest issue in a relationship is learning to compromise.  As a single person, you can accept a job across the country at a whim, travel the world, live in an apartment or a house, be a slob, have intensive hobbies, invest all your money in a startup etc.  You don’t have to answer to anyone else as a single childless adult.

In a relationship, you can’t do any of these things without consulting another person, or even at all.  This can be restricting to people, and wants can change over time, leaving a couple with opposing wants.  

Once in a relationship, you may have different ideas about raising children, if to have children at all, who should do the cleaning, who should do the working etc.

I was only 19 when my Fiance and I started dating, and I wanted different things then than I do now (I’m 24).  Luckily we are both quite open to discussing change and our life plan continues to evolve as we do.  Our big picture is pretty in sync, and we compromise on the things we do to get there.

For instance, my Fiance has never lived far away from family, while I have most of my life.  I wanted to move and Fiance didn’t.  Our compromise is moving an hour away to see how we both go.

 

My 2 cents.

Post # 142
Member
479 posts
Helper bee

Expectations… 

with relationships you gotta be on the same page (you might really like him but he might have other intentions), you gotta learn to manage your expectations and his expectations, you gotta know what you want and prioritise because no man is perfect (FAR from it), then there’s all these other issues like family and friends involved, money, uncertainty as to the future, making practical decisions together (from who’s going to  cook and clean on which day to which house should we buy, should we have kids, if we do, then when is a good and secure time???) …

Post # 144
Member
391 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

ajillity81:  How have you managed to never have a fight???  Tell me your secrets!

Post # 145
Member
2443 posts
Buzzing bee

Marriage and relationships are hard. Not all of the time but there are trying moments. I love my fi, not married yet, but we do live together, and I have never ever hated him, but sometimes he annoys me and yeah sometimes we fight. Even though we love each other it doesn’t mean that we always agree. We are two separate people, raised differently, have different views, and have different ideas. It doesn’t matter if you fight, that’s to be expected, it’s how you fight and how you make up afterwards. 

And yes sex is amazing and brings you closer together as a couple, but it doesn’t brainwash you, it doesn’t change your opinions. It doesn’t mean because you were intimate you all of the sudden get along 100 percent and it isn’t a problem solver. Sex does not solve problems, arguing, talking, and compromising if need be, fixes problems. Just because you had sex, the rest of the world doesn’t stop, your relationship keeps going and it might hit some rocky roads. That’s life. 

Post # 146
Member
391 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

Relationships in general are not always easy.  My Fiance and I have been together for almost 3.5 years (holy crap, that still shocks me), we’ve lived together for 2.5 years, and we’re getting married in a little under 2 months.

Here’s a short breakdown of our relationship:

Year 1 (July 2012-July 2013): Everything is awesome!  We get along great!  His parents are super nice! 

Year 2 (July 2013-July 2014): (We have moved in together) We spent most of the time driving each other crazy and screaming at each other, mixed with some of the “everything is awesome” stuff.

Year 3 (July 2014-July 2015): We’ve gotten better at resolving disagreements through discussion, rather than screaming at each other.  We still drive each other up the wall.  We lived with his parents over the summer of 2014 because of when one lease ended and one began, and that was very challenging.  Screaming still occasionally happens.  This was also the period in which we got engaged.

Year 4 (July 2015-present): We’re only partway through our 4th year as a couple.  We’re a lot better at communicating, and we both make an effort to calmly explain frustrations.  Screaming still occasionally happens, we still drive each other insane, but we’re very happy together regardless.

 

Maintaining a healthy relationship is a lot of work.  There have been moments where I’ve wondered what it would be like if we broke up, but then I realize I’d rather work through the problems, because for better or for worse, life is better with him as my partner, even when we fight.

And, in regard to all the mentions of “intimacy” – we don’t have actual sex, even though we live together.  We do other things, though frequency tends to plummet with school, but we don’t have sex.  He’s waiting for marriage.  (My ship has sailed, been shot with a cannon, and sunk.)

Post # 147
Member
783 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

I see that you said you were homeschooled and are now in college but doing distance ed. I think it is really important to get out and explore more of the world and increase interactions with others- friends, boyfriends, anyone, in order to prepare for life. Is there a reason you are choosing not to interact in a regular college setting? Not sure if you answered this since I did not read all the pages but have you ever worked where you had interactions with coworkers? It would definitely be in your best interest to increase socialization for a lot of different reasons. One reason is to gain a more realistic view of relationships and how people interact.  Marriage surely is not all roses, but no relationship is whether it is family, friends, or romantic.  That just is not realistic. When you are joined in marriage there are a lot of things that come up on a daily basis- financial struggles/disagreements, losing jobs, health issues, chores, differing priorities, just day to day life that happens and you have to learn to get through together and it isn’t easy. So just because you have a partner that you share life and love with, it doesn’t mean that there are not things that come up that are difficult and cause arguments.  Some people also just grow apart over time. Some people have trouble communicating. If you have never experienced a relationship, I’m going to guess that when you are in one, there is going to be lots of work involved in learning how to effectively communicate with your partner (as is the case for everyone!) It’s not easy. I can see how it could be difficult for you to fully understand the dynamics of relationships, so that is why I suggested you try to get out there and gain some more experience in socialization and relationship building. I think not to do so would be detrimental to any future relationship you have, since you will not have a realistic perspective of how the relationship will be.

Post # 148
Member
783 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

sunshineflowers:  Now I’m going back and reading… where in the world did you get the idea that sex is a cure for problems? That is one of the weirdest things I have ever heard…. Not sure where that would even come from. And do you honestly think that all people need to do is just “give in to what your partner wants and let them have the final say?” HUH?!?! I’m so confused about how that would be seem acceptable or easy to you. What if you only want 1 kid and your spouse decides they want 5? Oh ok I’ll just give it to what he wants and have 5 kids…. Doesn’t work that way. I am so baffled right now by how your perceptions could be so far from actual reality.

Post # 149
Member
1724 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

OK, ladies – the naive idea that you should not ever be able to be mad or upset with someoene you’d be willing to have sex with and share your life with is not mistifying.  It’s just naive and on a childlike level of understanding.  It’s also very easy for a person like the OP who says she’s never been IN a realtionship to make wrong assumptions about how easy it might be to not fight, not argue, won’t love just solve it all?  Don’t we all at times give people advice or think it’s easy to do something until faced with it ourselves?  

She just needs some real-world experience, ans honestly, to sadly be hurt and grow, to actaully learn what this part of life is about.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by  Isilme.
Post # 150
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee

Isilme:  Honestly, it truly is totally mystifying to me. I literally can’t understand how someone would be THAT naive (so naive that they intellectually don’t understand the concept of a compromise) – even having lived a sheltered life. That’s why I thought that perhaps English was the OP’s second language. I’m trying to make sense as-to why a 22 year old would be THAT ignorant about basic human interaction, because I don’t think being homeschooled automatically equals a total misunderstanding of human nature.

If you’ve ever had a fight with a parent, sibling, or friend you should understand that you can love someone and still fight with them. And I don’t think I ever (even as a child) felt like a sexual relationship would automatically mean I would never disagree with my partner. And the OP does say that she watches tv, reads books, watches movies, and she obviously uses the internet, so she’s not THAT sheltered.

I agree that it sounds like the OP has a rosy-glasses childlike worldview. The worldview I would expect from a child about age 10 or younger. That’s why I suggested in an earlier post that perhaps the OP was in fact a younger child pretending to be 22 (and no judgement there – I pretended to be older than I was when I got on the internet as a younger teenager – I think that’s relatively common). If it’s not an issue of living in a society that oppresses women (sexuality, etc.), and the OP is a native English speaker and this isn’t a language barrier issue, that’s just honestly what makes the most sense to me. 

If the OP is, in fact, 22 and just extremely sheltered to the point of stunting her emotional growth, then I agree that she needs some real-world experience, to hurt and grow, and to learn what this part of life is all about. In fact, no matter what – I think that’s great advice for her.

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