(Closed) Marriage is hard… how?

posted 4 years ago in Married Life
Post # 151
Member
2733 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Going from personal experience: Darling Husband and I have been together for 8 years, married only 2 months, known each other since we were toddlers. Loving him is easy. The raw emotions of true love and appreciation for who he is at the core of his being is easy. Liking him all the time? Not so easy (like when he says he’s on his way home so I start cooking dinner and he fails to mention that he’s stopping at his buddy’s house and isn’t home until well past the time I expected). I get mad at him, I get annoyed with him (if he just wouldn’t slurp his coffee so loud in the morning!) but loving him is never hard.

A relationship/marriage being “hard” doesn’t necessarily mean it’s hard in a bad way (there are relationships that are hard work in a bad way, as PP’s have pointed out, and aren’t the right relationships). It’s just like learning to ride a bike. Sometimes you fall down, sometimes you even get hurt, but you keep trying because you know the end result will be fun and open you up to new experiences. It’s not always easy but it’s worth it in the end, ya know?

Also, I’m not bashing your religious views but this is exactly why I disagree with certain religions holding sex on a golden pedestal to be like some forbidden holy grail you must not touch or even think about until marriage. It’s not some magical thing. Can it be pretty damn amazing? You bet. But I think it’s important for people to also see it realistically as a basic physical function. Animals have sex, right? In religion, animals are not believed to have souls. So if a souless being can do it, it can’t be that magical right? It won’t fix your problems and it won’t prevent your problems. It can definitely bring a couple closer together but it can also push people apart.

Please take PP’s advice to get out and live a little. Meet new people, have new experiences, break out of your bubble. You’re setting yourself up for failure by living in a fantasy world.

Post # 152
Member
1724 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Soon2bmrs1:  I wasn’t sheltered per say, and was actually abused and nelgected, and isolated as an only child and teenager.  We lived states away from any family.  Family did not come visit.  My only interactiosn with people that were not mom or dad were at school, and I was just off enough that school was pretty hard socially and painful.  I had to learn to observe people areounf me to be able to adpat and not stand out so much as the isolated weirdo.  So I can see how it IS possible for someone to be this naive, even at 22.  Hell, I know 30 year olds who still can’t understand a fight is both of your faults – one may start it, but it takes both the engage in it.  They insist a fight happens simply because the other person sucks, is being mean or selfish, and they ahve no fault in it whatsoever.

Post # 153
Hostess
824 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

pink.lemonade:ย  +1000ย 

Granted I’ve only been married over a month but I can’t easily say that relationships can be tough. In our over 5 years together I have never intentionally disrespected my husband and he has never intentionally disrespected me. Now that’s not saying there are some days we are so frustrated with one another but we always love each other. Marriage isn’t hard when you’re with the right person, life is a hard part and if you have someone on your side it makes it much easier.

Post # 154
Member
2656 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: County courthouse

I wouldn’t say marriage is hard all the time…but when it is, it sucks. My husband and I hardly fight…but when we do its bad. I say our marriage is good 95% of the time. You sound very young…like early 20s. I was 21 when my husband married and I too thought that marriage was easy…it’s not. You have two different ppl and life throws you some curve balls every so often. Money is one of the biggest stressor in our marriage. My husband has a career and I do not because I stay at home and take care of our kids. When your husband only gets paid once a month at the end of the month…funds run out. Sex is also another thing. I have bipolar disorder and it pretty much numbs my sexual side…so my husband doesn’t get as much as he likes. And then…my husband gets stressed out from work and money…so he doesn’t get in the mood when I’m in the mood. We have a 6 yr old and soon to be 4 yr old. Kids cause stress in a relationship. It’s not easy. But I think you really need to keep an open mind about how marriage is supposed to be. It’s not always rainbows and roses. It’s work.

Post # 155
Member
7199 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

sunshineflowers:  My husband and I are very connected, good communicators and I never feel like I “hate” him. We don’t yell. We discuss things we disagree about but we don’t argue really. And I’d still say marriage can be hard sometimes. Mostly because you are deeply connected and so any pain you cause each other hurts deeply. 

It’s like your relationship with your parents (assuming you have a good one). They know you best. They love you. You are in it for life with them. You love them and share deep roots… but you still get really hurt and mad at them sometimes, right? Same with your spouse. 

I will say that moving in together was definitely harder than officially being married. Because of your religious convictions I’m guessing you won’t be living with your future husband until after the wedding. You will also have never lived with a man you’re not related to. It’s going to be hard. You will both come into your new home with your own ideas about how things are supposed to be. While you might love each other like crazy, weird things are going to bug you. Maybe he never seperates his clothes in the wash and will end up ruining your favorite things. Maybe he only wants to eat the same three things that you hate. Maybe he’ll think that once you’re married you never have to go on dates anymore. Maybe you just can’t stand how he spends his down time. Melding lives is tough no matter how connected you are and sometimes you can’t just overlook things. But you do it. You work on it. Because nothing worth everything is ever easy. 

Post # 156
Member
16 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2017 - Southern Highlands

sunshineflowers:  I have had trouble understanding what people mean by saying marriage is difficult as well. I am engaged and we’ve been together for 3.5 years so far, and have just started living together. Potentially people would say we are in the honeymoon phase but I would never use the term “difficult” or “work” to describe our relationship overall. We get along really well and have a lot of fun. Both of us get grumpy sometimes and can get angry or frustrated. I think in some ways the emotional intimacy can make it easier to fight. For instance, when my Fiance tells me something and I react in a way that isn’t as supportive as he was expecting, that can upset him. This doesn’t usually cause a big problem, but because my opinions matter to him, he wants to know that I’m there to back him up, even if it’s something that I might see as small or insignificant.

Another thing is that when you are looking at photos, etc. of newly wed couples or just happy dating or engaged or married couples, you are only seeing a short moment of time, and you’re not seeing their private lives. I have friends in relationships who post on facebook a lot or boast in their great relationships, and then it turns out they have been having problems for a long time and they were acting like a happy couple so that people wouldn’t show concern or maybe just as a way to try to convince themselves that their relationship was alright. Also, just because couples can get angry or annoyed with each other doesn’t mean they aren’t happy in their relationship.

I think the difficulty just comes from focusing on the compromises people make to stay in relationships. For instance, you might have to move house so your partner can get the job they really want. You might be happy to move because you want your partner to get that job, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy for you to leave your home. It happens with smaller things as well. Maybe you wanted to be with your family for Christmas but your partner wants to see his family on Christmas day – you can’t both get what you want every time necessarily. Or maybe you want to go out with friends for dinner but your partner wants to have dinner at home with you. Even couples who get along well and are good at compromising can have times where they want something different for a change and the other person might not necessarily agree. Really it is best to just compare marriages to other relationships – friendships and family. Just because you get to have sex and be physically close to one another does not mean that everything else in your life cancels out.

When you start dating more and are thinking about marriage, you need to be prepared for your relationship to stay exactly the same after you get married as it was before you got married. Otherwise you may be lining yourself up for dissapointment. 

Post # 157
Member
464 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

sunshineflowers:  marriage actually is not hard if you find the right one. Relationships are hard in general when you have to balance compromise and other people’s needs. 

My husband and I have the same issues we’ve always had since dating because they are ingrained in the people we are. It’s getting used to how other people do things, say things and act in certain situations. 

The best case scenario is you find someone with similar goals, same priorities or same values so when the road really gets bumpy you have a partner. 

My husband and marriage has been nothing but lovely. Irritation and conflict will happen in any relationship, not just marriage. 

 

Post # 158
Hostess
3933 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

I was pretty sheltered growing up. My parents are Baptist and very conservative, so I was raised not to live together before marriage, not to have sex, etc. I didn’t start dating until I was 16, so I definitely would say I was naive for a while. However, I met my Fiance at 18, so by OP’s age, we’d already been together for 4 years. My parents were the argue and sweep it under the rug type, so learning how to effectively communicate and compromise started in college (I went to school 12 hours from home). I can see how OP would be pretty sheltered, but I knew that sex wasn’t a magic cureall and that disagreements were reality so this post is pretty confusing from me even though I think OP and I share a fairly similar childhood/background.

OP, I really think that you should try going to school away from home, even if it’s not very far. My brother goes to school 40 minutes from my parents, but lives on campus with roommates. I think this would be really healthy and eyeopening for you. Even if you have to take out some student loans to make this happen, it will make a huge difference in how you see the world and teach you how to live with roommates that aren’t your family members. I also am curious as to how you would potentially meet your future husband if you never leave the house? Husbands don’t magically show up on your doorstep – you have to talk to people and make friends until you find someone that you feel more of a connection with, who also feels a connection with you, and both decide you want to date and see if you are compatible.

Is it part of your belief system to date at all? I know we were allowed to date with strong boundaries ingrained in us, but not be physically intimate, though the “line” to be drawn on physical intimacy may vary depending on your personal beliefs. I strongly suggest dating. It’s definitely not a fairytale, though it is possible to have a relationship that is loving, happy, and wonderful 99% of the time. My Fiance and I have been together 8 years now and we live together, so I don’t follow that belief system anymore, but I do understand a bit about where you’re coming from. You can adhere to your beliefs and value system and still date (most likely), so please consider trying that ๐Ÿ™‚ The first guy you date probably will not be the one and that’s ok. Every new relationship teaches you more about yourself and what you want in a partner, so even the heartbreak and sad moments are worth it.

Post # 159
Member
3221 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Do you ride a bike, OP?

were you good at it the first time? Nope, you fell off and wobbled a lot.

were the very first batch of cookies you made by yourself from a new recipe good? Again, probably not, sorry! 

Skills (like fighting and fairly compromising) take time to learn. And you would be surprised at the things people have to learn to compromise about.  I mean, Fiance and I even disagree on what temperature our house should be, I’m always cold and he is always warm. Our compromise is me wearing lots of sweaters and him not bitching if I inch the thermostat up in the evenings before turning it down for bed. Oh, and he also isn’t allowed to complain if I warm my feet up on him. If I just submitted to him in this, I would be physically miserable and someone shouldn’t want to put someone they love in that position. 

In fact, I look back on the guys I have dated in the past as “learning how to interact in a relationship.” I learned what I can and cannot live with, and how to be a good person in return. That meant that when I met my Fiance, I was able to treat him the way he deserves to be treated.

Post # 160
Member
1954 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I’ve been married to my husband for two years now. While there have been curveballs thrown at us, never once have I thought that marriage is hard. We’ve been on the same page almost the whole time, and when we haven’t been, it hasn’t taken us long to get there.  

Post # 161
Member
5188 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

sunshineflowers:  Fighting with your spouse shows a certain level of comfortability (we’re talking verbal disagreements, not actual hostility or violence). Otherwise it would be like a slave and master relationship. A spouse is not like a parent or a sibling. It’s a new kind of relationship that requires a lifestyle adjustment. Things don’t always go smoothly. As far as intimacy, it’s a physical act. Great sex doesn’t mean the relationship is peachy in every other aspect.

Post # 162
Member
1356 posts
Bumble bee

Dating is easy because when the going get’s tough you can break up, find someone new, and start over.

Marriage is hard because when the going get’s tough, you have to stay and work it out. 

Post # 163
Member
106 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Learning to live together is hard. Learning to always be there for each other is hard. Learning to give some things up or save them for later because it isn’t the right time, or your family won’t work with it is hard. Marriage is hard because it is the union of two completely different and previously seperate people. A few examples:

If your wife has a peanut allergy, you can’t bring peanut products in the house anymore.

Here’s a detailed one. Imagine if your husband’s parents are veterans, and he has a complete fear/hate over the armed forces because of what he saw his parents go through. And at some point, you were SERIOUSLY considering joining. Now you can’t – because they won’t be supportive and it will destroy your husband. It will emotionally cripple him to the point of no return.

Or imagine if you have always dreamed of having kids. Then you and your husband are trying to concieve, and you can’t. So you go to a fertility clinic, and find out he’s infertile. You have to work through that problem together. Do you adopt? What if he doesn’t want to? Will you be okay with not having kids, and give up on your dream, to make your husband happy?

Marriage is hard because it’s the merging of two people. And these people come in with their own histories, disposition, thoughts, quirks, obsessions, and problems. It is beautiful merge. But marriage can be very, very hard.

Intimacy is nice, lovely and very bonding. But it is not a cure-all. Let’s say you want to go to graduation school to pursue an Master’s degree, and your husband thinks it’s a terrible idea because of the debt. So you fight and fight and fight, and then make love, and fall asleep. The next day, you still have the problem. You still want to go to grad school.  

Intimacy is a lovely gift but it isn’t a magical force that will help you suddenly understand each other. 

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