(Closed) Marriage is hard… how?

posted 4 years ago in Married Life
Post # 166
Member
1709 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2016 - Garden

Overjoyed:  I think she means committing adultery

Post # 167
Member
1709 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2016 - Garden

EllyAnne:  I agree with the sinners part. Everyone slips up once in a while and that can put a strain on a marriage. Good perspective on that. 

Post # 168
Member
1455 posts
Bumble bee

sunshineflowers:  “I never hear people referring to parent-child relationships as requiring work, compromise, etc.”

Oh you sweet summer child

Post # 169
Member
1104 posts
Bumble bee

sunshineflowers:  i think it is admirable that you can admit you’ve had a somewhat sheltered upbringing and ask for advice. i was very sheltered as well. your willingness to be open and learn is fantastic, and those skills are also a big part of marriage or any long term relationship, friendship, work situation, etc. i can tell you two things i know to be true:

1. people who don’t experience much before marriage often have major difficulties later. dh and i are both from deeply religious christian families though we chose a different path. many of our cousins got married at a very young age (teens-20s) without ever having dated anyone else, without having lived on their own, and without exploring the world at all. they all have several children each now and many of them struggle with marriage, infidelity, and divorce (but their online profiles look perfect). i understand your personal views on sex/dating so i’m not saying you need to go be intimate with random guys and travel the world. However, living in an apartment away from your parents (maybe with a female roommate in a nearby city?), engaging in culture (music, art, volunteerism, education), and supporting yourself financially are all important milestones that are within the boundaries of your beliefs. It’s great to make friends with different types of people, gain more compassion, and learn to do things on your own. in a way doing these things can actually be a gift to your future relationship!

2. marriage isn’t hard work, but it does require daily effort. when people talk about how marriage is such hard work i always wonder what their relationships are like. my husband and i have been together for almost 10 years and while we have occasional disagreements we never yell, name call, or have contensious screaming matches. i think this is because we are highly compatible, knew each other for a long time before getting married, and had plenty of life experience before we met. we are a true team and while i don’t think marriage is work it definitely requires effort. i put in effort every day by what i do, how i respond to things, what i contribute, how i listen, and how i present myself. dh makes me want to be the best possible version of myself. he puts in effort everyday too. no matter how long he works he makes time for us, he plans fun things for us to do, he’s a good listener (even if he’s tired), he does romantic things for me. it’s not like we’re grinding through marriage every day because honestly it’s pretty easy for us. marriage is being tired and listening to your partner with full attention because they have something they want to talk about, it’s being sensitive to another person’s likes and dislikes, it’s being your best self!

 

Post # 170
Member
2157 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

sunshineflowers:  I have a tiny baby and have tons of photos of him on my social media.. him smiling, laughing, playing… does that mean this is an accurate portrait of what it’s like to have a baby? Of course not. He also cries, poops, etc etc. Having a baby is HARD. But it’s also wonderful.

Marriage is similar. It can be hard, but with the right person it’s wonderful. It’s sharing the rest of your life with your best friend. But, you yourself have admitted that you argue with your best friend. Why? Because many humans argue. Because people disagree, misunderstand each other, have PMS, suffer from lack of sleep, hunger, work-stress, different views on where to go for lunch…

Your husband is another human being and therefore you will not agree 100% of the time. Sex has nothign to do with anything… does the fact that you hug your best friend mean you have this special ”no arguing” bond? Of course not. Sex is just another level to hugging someone… with extra ”feelings” involved… but it’s not magic. It’s just human procreation lol. Sorry but you seem really naive ๐Ÿ˜€

Marriage is a blessing but it’s not magic, it’s just human interaction. It is whatever you make it.

Post # 171
Member
2157 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

sunshineflowers:  And no you don’t feel like you’re ”one” with your partner, you feel like you’re two separate human beings, just like you and your parents are separate human beings. And sex does not solve a single argument, ever (unless the couple was arguing about not having sex).

Post # 172
Member
406 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

sunshineflowers:  I think a lot of your questions will be answered after you’ve been in a couple of long term relationships. I think when I was young watching my parents bicker I couldn’t understand. Now that I’m married I definitely understand what people mean about marriage being difficult at times

Post # 173
Member
2377 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

Honestly to me marriage isn’t hard. We’ve been married for 3 years and together for 11 and our relationship just kind of runs itself. We have had our share of issues over the uears that we have worked out as we go (nothing major just growin up really- we were 17 when we got together) but now wE rarely fight and have a great relationship . I’m sure in the future we’ll come up against struggles but we’ll work through whatever those are . But I don’t get when people say marriage is hard and they want to get away fr their spouse for a weekend etc cos me and hubby would rather go away together and spend time together, we love each others company . Everyone different thou 

Post # 174
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Surely you’ve gotten into a disagreement with either a sibling or parent, or even friend?  It’s the same concept.  As we may try to walk in God’s grace, the truth of the matter is that at some point we will do something that disappoints or even hurts someone we love and them to us.  While your more intimate with your spouce than any other relationship, I have found it also to be the hardest due to the fact that it is the closest.  At some point in time, you will find something to fight about.  And it’s not just hard becuase of disagreements.  At some point in time, you will have to sacrifice for your marriage.  Don’t get me wrong.  It is absolutely worth it.  Maybe due to your (and hopefully future husband’s) faith you will not have as many obsticles as other couples.  I know the Bible tells us how to be the best loving spouses we can be.  But in just my two years of marriage thus far, I have already had my fair share of arguments with topics ranging from his ex wife and finances to him picking a fight just because he is hungry.   This was after knowing him for almost ten years and have never had a fight that entire time.  We had our first real fight 6 months before the wedding, and it lasted until 8 months after the wedding…. every.  single. day.  …..  And I told no one.  Because I knew the advice I would receive would be not to get married, to leave him, to give up on our relationship.  But what if the fight had started after we got married instead of before?  Would that have been any different?  I still loved him all the same.  We made it through.  Together.

  • This reply was modified 4 years ago by  she22ybe22y.
Post # 175
Member
1998 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

I’m a waiting Bee. Been living with my SO for 6 months now. It’s not easy.

There is dinner to be made, rooms to be cleaned, dogs to be let out, laundry to be done and put away…did he really just ask me where the hell his work badge is? The one I never touch? Ugh. It’s right there where you left it. Oh, I’m being cranky. How about your open your eyes? 

Oh, you don’t want to guess where I want to go for dinner? I don’t know what I want. Give me ideas. Don’t get mad that know I hate all those options. No, we aren’t having Five Guys for the 3rd time this week. 

Can you move you shoes? You know I trip on them when I go pee in the night.

 

It is two humans used to doing things their way making a home together. Mood swings and all. This doesn’t mean that you don’t love the person with all your heart. The above are things my SO and I deal with, however at the end of the day we laugh together. 

Post # 176
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Also, going back and reading some of the comments (there are a lot) you have been very blessed in your upbringing.  Not everyone is so blessed to have family or know God to have guidance.  Also I see you have some missconceptions about love.  While movies and books try to portray love as mostly strong feelings, that is not the actual case, as the Bible tells us that love is not a feeling; love is a choice, and an action.  There may be times you don’t ‘feel’ in love with your spouse. 

I’d like to recomend some books to you that have helped me grasp the concept of mixing my emotions with my faith, including love.  Sounds confusing maybe, but have you ever been so mad you wanted to hurt someone?  You know, like pinch them or hang the phone up on them?  (I’m not going to admit the ways I felt the need to get someone back.  ๐Ÿ˜‰

Mere Christianity- C.S. Lewis (a great book overall), The Problem of Pain- C.S. Lewis (why we are allowed to suffer, had how not to let that turn to hate, and more), Wanting a God You Can Talk To- Jesse Duplantis (knowing God still loves you even if you cannot ‘feel’ his love and more), The Love Dare- Kendrick (for couples, but can be read and applied alone, great information about the different scriptures about love and what is love and what is not love). 

 

Post # 178
Member
905 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

sunshineflowers:  In response to your question about intimacy being helpful in overlooking faults, “intimacy” as you’re talking about it (sex) absolutely doesn’t help overlook faults. Darling Husband and I have been together for almost 8 years, married 2.5. We didn’t have sex before marriage, so we had over 5 years of getting to know each other without “intimacy,” and being comfortable with who we were individually and who we were together.

I don’t necessarily think marriage is hard. It’s definitely work, because it’s not just two people isolated from the outside world. There are stressors, health, jobs, other people, money, differing viewpoints, etc. To me, my marriage hasn’t been “hard,” because we communicate great. Sure, we argue about things, and there have been nights where we’ve gone to bed not talking, but I honestly can’t remember the last time that happened. 

Darling Husband was the only guy I dated, but we dated for over 5 years and really got to know as much about each other and how we worked together before throwing “intimacy” into it. I think the best thing for you would be to actually get out there and date.  The only way you’re really going to understand what people are telling you is to get some experiences for yourself.

Post # 180
Member
46 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2017

Married life can be the most difficult thing ever.
I met a man I was 18 he was 32 I thought he was amazing Im now 37 and a very grown up adult.
We dated for 2 years he seemed like he was a good man but he did have faults but I thought hey doesnt everybody.
24 I have 3 kids and 2 step kids one of whom lives with us. I also realise this man is not who I thought he was and was abusive, belittling and insecure and making me feel terrible seemed to give him power.
At 28 I knew it was over but didnt want to have kids with no Dad he was very absent in my step kids lives.
I found the courage to leave wasnt the one that was ugly or fat or lazy or mental.

Fast forward some years and I fell in love with the man that was my best friend we live together and we dont fall out I dont call him names and he loves me as I love him with all we have including my 3 kids and his daughter.
We are planning on getting married I know him inside out and we want the same things in life.
We work hard and we play hard and are genuinely best friends.

Marriage doesnt always work religion and marriage dont mean it will.
I believe building concrete foundations and friendship and trust and wanting to make the other person feel loved and happy and smiling and laughing and kissing and holding each other lots everyday and never forgetting why you love them and a connection I do not understand because sometimes I can not believe how well suited we are is what makes ou relationship work.

I would never have found the man I love if I hadnt have had the man I didnt first

Post # 181
Member
549 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: Backyard

sunshineflowers:  First off, I didn’t read all the responses. Forgive me for not following the discussion. Secondly, I want to commend you for asking these questions. They are questions that many are not brave enough to ask.

You remind me a lot of my younger self. I didn’t understand the point of dating someone you may nnot end up with and I thought marriage would be a bed of roses.

Realistically, healthy relationships are somewhere between a bed of roses and fighting all the time. There is a difference between resolving conflicts and fighting. Conflicts will come, but does the couple work to understand each other or resort to being destructive? Healthy couples choose the former, which is not necessarily easier.

It may be helpful to think of a healthy relationship as a labor of love. It takes work and there will be conflicts, but working through those conflicts without resorting to fighting can be incredibly rewarding. Comparability is important, but even the most compatible of couples still has to build their relationship.

The same goes with sex. My fiance and I are waiting until we are married, but we don’t  have expectations of it being perfect right away. It will probably be awkward and maybe not all that enjoyable at first. It’s something that we will have to build together just as we have had to build our relationship together. That’s where intimacy is found – in building it together.

As for dating, most of us did not end up with the first person we had a relationship with. Believe it or not, that is a good thing. For most of us, it keeps us out of marriages that wouldn’t last and allows us to figure out what qualities we are and are not compatible with as we learn more about ourselves.

I hope that something in there was helpful!

The topic ‘Marriage is hard… how?’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors