(Closed) Marriage is hard… how?

posted 4 years ago in Married Life
Post # 17
Member
9333 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

marriage is not hard.  it may take some work at various stages but it is certainly not hard and it should never be hard or forced.

i’ve known Darling Husband for almost 5 years and we have been married for 2 years.  we have never had a fight. we’ve never yelled or screamed or went to bed angry.  of course we have had disagreements, but we talk about them and work something out.

 

 

Post # 18
Member
7885 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Even if you are really compatible and rarely fight with your partner, there are so many outside stressors beyond your control that can affect your relationship. Job loss, overbearing in-laws, sick kids, unexpected financial problems. It’s unrealistic to think that it will always be rainbows and unicorns. When your husband gets in a fender bender on the way home and arrives home to you and your 2 kids projectile vommitting because of the stomach flu there probably is not a lot of intimacy happening. Doesn’t mean you won’t get through it, but sometimes it’s hard- just like life.

Post # 19
Member
900 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

Intimacy as a barrier to problems? Sorry hun, but it’s the exact opposite. Intimacy means more….okay, not exactly problems….but issues. You are being vulnerable to another person, and trustingthis person with your life. But we are only human. They’ll make mistakes and disappoint you, and you to them. It’s not easy. People are complicated. You should at least know that. I think you’ll be in for a huge wake up call. 

But for real, I think you’re a troll.

Post # 20
Member
9525 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

  sunshineflowers:  To me, could be wrong you sound like some doing research rather than an individual seaking guidance

Post # 21
Member
9588 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

Well you will find out haha. It is hard to share a life with a different person with different needs, wants, experiences. We all have our flaws. Even if we’re the same person we’d get into it because of our pride and stubbornness. The people closest to us can hurt us the most.

A good marriage isn’t never fighting (that’s completely unrealistic). A good marriage is working through things, constant forgiveness, and *choosing* to love each other everyday. The warm and fuzzy feelings ebb and flow, you cant throw in the towel when they recede (Likely what happened to those friends you mentioned). Intimacy is not a barrier to fights at all- in fact avoiding fights by distracting with sexy time is a terrible idea. 

Post # 22
Member
940 posts
Busy bee

ajillity81:  I disagree. I’ve been married for 10 years. It’s not hard on the level of wanting a divorce daily. But I’d never describe it as easy. Marriage should be fought for. People have the mindset that as soon as it starts getting rough we should just bolt. That’s why divorce rates are so high. I’m not claiming that’s how you see it at all. I’m just saying me and my husband have been through HARD times. And I appreciate those times. It make us grow to appreciate each other all the more. Maybe, not every couple is cut out for that. But it certainly opened my eyes to what’s important.

Post # 24
Member
5089 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2014

sunshineflowers:  I haven’t found being in a long term relationship or being married to be hard. For me, being single was a lot harder. The compromises that come with building your life with someone else can be harder for some than others. Here’s the thing though, life is hard. If you are in a relationship or married to someone long enough, life will eventually hit you hard with something difficult. Now, this can be great, because you have someone to go through a though time with, but stress can also cause people to act in ways that they normally wouldn’t. 

Post # 25
Member
940 posts
Busy bee

sunshineflowers:  life doesn’t give everyone the same formula. Her and her husband never fight. I’m not ashamed to say me and my husband do fight. We go through spurts where we fight what seems like constantly, and then there’s times where it’s seemingly perfect. He opens my eyes to when I’m being unreasonable and I call him out when he’s being a jerk. It wouldn’t work for everyone. It works for us. Not every couple will be the same. Things I wouldn’t fight through others would. Some people would say they’d never stay through infidelity… I’ve stayed through it. I fought for my family. I don’t regret it, and I’m not ashamed. We GREW as people, and as a couple. Marriage is fun. Buts challenging. Some couples see it differently and that’s ok too. Again, life doesn’t give us all the same formula. 

Post # 26
Member
3089 posts
Sugar bee

 

sunshineflowers:  I think your values are wonderful.  Everyone else gave you good advice. I won’t necessarily use the word ‘hard’ but I will say it’s full of compromises….just like any other relationship in your life. But with marriage, there is a different level of intimacy and you are much more vulnerable as a result.

Post # 27
Member
1551 posts
Bumble bee

sunshineflowers:  the honeymoon phase ends for a reason! There’s a lot going on there…mainly hormones making you feel all giddy. 

Things that were “cute” the first time (“oh you bought basil instead of the mint that I asked for!” “aww his underwear is all over the floor”) can quickly become tiresome (“why can’t you follow a simple instruction?!” “I don’t want to pick up after you, I’m not your mother!!”), especially when paired with outside stressors. Resentment can build.

Or people get comfortable and take things for granted.

This is not how my relationship is, just generic examples of where things can go wrong! I wouldn’t describe my relationship as any harder than life in general, but it’s not always easy. We tend to bounce back from disagreements quickly, and intimacy (not just sex) is a great way to reconnect.

Also, from the outside looking in on a relationship you will never get an accurate picture. People may look super happy and in love, but you never know what goes on behind closed doors. If they end up divorced a few years later they may have had unrealistic expectations going in…or they’ve changed as people and are no longer compatible and are not content to settle. 

Post # 29
Member
9333 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

Ama14:  we have definately had hard times, in our 2 years of marriage we have dealt with infertility (3 iuis and 2 ivfs s to get pregnant) which effected us financially, sick parents, death, and other HARD things.  but marriage itself is NOT hard.  and marriage shouldn’t be hard. 

i’m sorry you find marriage hard. 

Post # 30
Member
1354 posts
Bumble bee

sunshineflowers:  Ummm, I mean this kindly, but you need a major reality check. Your fairytale happy ending viewpoint of marriage and relationships in general is extremely concerning and I think you are in for a lot of future of disapointment.

Marriage is hard because life is hard.  If you and your future husband ever face things like job loss, illness, depression, infertility, jealousy, death in the family, disability, crappy inlaws, etc. you better believe it’s gonna take a lot more work than “intimacy” to hold it together. 

Also, photo’s of couples on social media is not real life. 

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