(Closed) Marriage is hard… how?

posted 4 years ago in Married Life
Post # 31
Member
5948 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

ajillity81:  Your marriage might not be hard, which is great for you! Please read on…

sunshineflowers:  I’ll go forward on the chance that this is a real post. You need to date and then you will see that it can take work to keep a relationship strong and healthy. Some are way easier than others. It really depends on how you are and the person you choose.

Difficult marriages in my life:

ex 1- person I know is married to someone with addiction issues. They hardly knew each other before marriage, they are very religious so divorce is not an option. In the meantime they hope God will make their marriage work and they are both miserable.

ex 2- person I know cheated on his wife, fell in love with other woman, marriage didn’t work out at all

ex 3- person I know – his wife cheated on him. The wife’s depressed. They are still together “trying” to make it work, but he is miserable and she is miserable.

ex 4- me – husband had depression and a personality disorder that he refused to get treatment for. Got tired of living “alone” and him having temper tantrums – acting like a child. Etc etc etc. I deserved better.

ex 5 me- current husband. Easy peasy. Although we have had hardships and it’s all in how you handle those. In our first year of marriage: he lost his job one month before our wedding, I lost my beloved dog, my father became extremely ill and finally passed away. That’s a LOT of added pressues, emotions, and junk to deal with on top of the standard life stuff.

Post # 32
Member
582 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

It’s compromise. About both big life things and every tiny detail of living together. Having to make your life fit around somebody else and their needs and moods. You can of course be happy 99% of the time, but humans have bad days, and that can just rub off on people you share your life and home with and cause arguments.

Post # 33
Member
4089 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Cory_loves_this_girl:  

Honestly, I think someone who has your type of idealistic perspective of marriage would be more likely to end up in divorce over people who understand that marriage takes work and is never perfect.

My thoughts exactly! Someone who goes in thinking it will be a fairytale is in for a rude awakening. Disagreements don’t mean you don’t have intimacy, or don’t love each other. They mean you’re human, and not the same people, and so the odds are that over the course of 20, 30, 40 years you will eventually have something you don’t see eye to eye on. I would argue disagreements make your relationship stronger. Knowing you can disagree but will still always love each other, and be together can strengthen your relationship, not weaken it. The problem is rarely couples who fight: it’s couples who don’t fight fair.

Post # 35
Member
253 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I think your true question here ins how can two people who love each other so much and have gone through a lot together (life, sex, intimacy, children, etc.) be married and happy in the beginning and divorce later on.  There is no one answer to that question. People get divorced for all kinds of reasons. But divorce doesn’t necessarily mean that those two people don’t love each other.  For example, my parents were married for 25 years, they grew up together. They divorced about 5 years ago and are both in new, loving relationships. But bith of my parents will say that they still love the other.  Things change, life happens and people change. You can’t say that you are the same person you were 1, 5, 10, etc. years ago. We all change based on our life experiences. Unfortunately, when life happens and people change, sometimes you can no longer be in the same relationship. Your new personalities no longer work together and there are more hard times than easy. I’m not saying that just because people change means that everyone will get a divorce in the future, I’m just saying that sometimes, people grow apart. Just like I have grown apart from some of my closest friendis whom I thought would be in my life forever. It just happens. The honeymoon stage only lasts a little while and then starts the process of growing, as individuals and as a couple.  The challenge and what makes marriage “hard” is learning how to continue to be your own person at the same time of growing as a couple. It takes practice, communication, and compromise. No one is perfect at it, but if you work hard enough at it you can make it work. It’s just like playing a sport. you may play a game and be great at it the first time you Play, but that doesn’t mean that you just sit back and stay stagnent. You work hard at getting better and improve your skills. Marriage is the same way.

hope this helps. I probably rambled. I’m feeding the baby, so who knows if what I said made any sense at all. 

Post # 36
Member
836 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

There are so many things that go into and effect a relationship other than intimacy.  Kids, family, friends, career, stress, external things that you cannot control. I have been married and divorced, but I am re-marrying the same guy in 10 days.  Our first relationship was completely different than this one.  We weren’t in a good place.  We were young.  We were stupid.  We had been together for 8 years before we got married, but marriage and moving in together changed everything.  We got divorced a year after we married. We didn’t know how to fight for us or how to comprimise.  That was HARD.  This go round is still hard, but not at all in the same way.  We have lived together for 2 years now (after getting back together).  We grew up, we learned how to comprimise and how to talk to each other.  We’ve learned each other’s “buttons,” we’ve learned each other’s love language, and so much more. I’m not saying we don’t fight, because we do, but we can deal with it, learn from it, and move on.

Relationships and marriage is learning your partner and being willing to give up some things that you want or would rather do or have it your way.  It’s giving and taking.  People say it’s 50/50, but it’s gotta be 100/100.  Have you ever lived with a friend, and they got on your nerves alot more and did more things to aggravate you than before you lived iwth them? Same thing with marriage.  But with a friend, you can move out and keep your friendship.  You can’t do that with marriage.  You have to fight for it, together. 

You said that everyone looks so happy on their wedding day and in the beginning, but then suddenly get a divorce.  Alot of couples had their unhappiness behind closed doors.  Most people aren’t going to post on facebook how unhappy they are in their marriage. I personally kept my unhappiness to myself and our divorce was a shock to everyone, including my best friends. 

I hope that all made sense! It’s hard to explain. But I will say that when you’re with the right person, the fights and the comprimises and everything else, are 100% worth it.  To have someone to come home to, to be there with you for the exciting moments and the hard as hell moments.  To have someone you can be your true self around.  To have someone who knows you better than you know yourself. 

Post # 37
Member
3474 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

sunshineflowers:  Oh. It sounded like you were saying you don’t believe in romantic relationships besides marriage, which…didn’t make a bit of sense to me. Not that I haven’t heard that before, I just hadn’t had a chance besides now to ask about it. Thanks for clarifying.

Post # 39
Member
425 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

Having sex doesn’t take away the fact that you are two different people who have different opinions. I have never once hated my Fiance enough to want to break up with him…but we do disagree about some things. You can’t be in a good mood every single second of every single day and living with someone means they will probably see you when you are annoyed about something and not at your best. Sometimes shit just happens. 

Post # 40
Member
5158 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

Well, I have not personally found my marriage to be *hard*. Sure, my husband and I sometimes disagree with one another, or, as we are individuals with our own personalities, and opinions might experience a communication block now and then, but we are committed to each other, respect each other, and work through it.  We are a team, not opponents. Life brings enoigh shit, we don’t throw it at each other. We do have hardships in life that we face together, that would have been too much with past partners. The “hard” part  for *me*, because of my own personality, is/has been exposing my truest self to a other person, being so open and vulnerable, so emotionally intimate. That is my work. My husband is a fantastic person, and while neither of us are perfect people we both value respect, honesty, emotional truth, and are life partners. We have created the marriage that we want, that works for us, and continue to check in with each other. Being married to him is easy.

That being said, I have been in relationships where it was a lot of “work”. In retrospect, I can say there were a lot of incompatibilities we were trying to force through, or there were differing levels of interest, commitment, honesty, trust, life goals, connection, emotional maturity and awareness. During the lust stage these were glossed over, but over time, that lust could not survive and the issues became glaring. We struggled. We could not face hardships of life together. There are good reasons I am not married to any of them, we dated, and some were serious and long term relationships, and broke up before doing so. If we had married? Yup, I would have described it as hard.

Sexual intimacy most certainly is not a barrier to conflict or disparities. Sex is not a magic cure, and in some relationships it actually becomes used to pretend things are okay.

Post # 41
Member
9588 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

sunshineflowers:  for forgiveness i think your personal safety is the line- I wouldnt forgive an abuser or serial cheater.

As far as choosing to love- to love is to serve even when you’re grumpy and don’t feel like it (whether the reason is him or not). To choose kindness and care when you simply don’t feel like it.  It’s not always default. If you rely on feelings alone you’ll end up divorced after the honeymoon period. 

Post # 44
Member
5158 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

sunshineflowers:  LOL, that’s not compromise.

So if your partner wanted to have an open relationship one day would you just “give in to what he wants” and let him have the final say? Apply that to any differences. From what to eat for dinner, to when to start having kids, to how to raise those kids, to where to spend the holidays. This would be an on incredibly unhealthy dynamic. Who would you be if you just became subsumed by your partner. That is not a marriage, its a prison.

Post # 45
Member
836 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

sunshineflowers:  Giving into what he wants and letting him have the final say isn’t comprimise though.  It is on your part, but not on his. If you give him his way everytime, you will start to build up resentment which will lead to more fights and maybe even divorce. You both need to be happy in the relationship and in your decisions (little and big).  For example, our second wedding, he wanted to go to the justice of the peace since we already had a big wedding, but I wanted another big wedding since we have all new friends, and I found my birth families.  Our comprimise is that we are having a small wedding in our friend’s backyard.  Small comprimises too that make daily living easier. I.e. I’d love for him to fold and put up all his laundry, but I know that if I leave it for him to do, it will sit there for a week and I will get pissed.  So our comprimise, he folds the underwear, socks, and undershirts, and I do the rest.

The topic ‘Marriage is hard… how?’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors