(Closed) Marriage is hard… how?

posted 4 years ago in Married Life
Post # 46
Member
253 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

sunshineflowers:  compromise is not about giving in to what your partner wants all the time, sure it will end the argument or disagreement, but will it make you happy. Giving in will lead to resentment. Compromise is finding a solution that works for both of you. It may not be exactly what each of you wants individually or it may be your way one time and his the next. It’s about finding a common ground that you both can agree on. 

Post # 47
Member
5158 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

sunshineflowers:  I don’t think you can say that. There are people who have sex like bunny rabbits, but are bitter, resentful, and are not emotionally close. There are others who have sex less often, but are truly close and deeply connected. Sexual intimacy is not the same as emotional intimacy, nor does it automatically come with things like respect, honesty. All these can exist together, or separate from one another.

People who rely on sex as a solution are probably not doing very well in solving issues. The way to solve a problem is to try and tackle the actual problem together. Not by retreating to the bedroom.

 

Post # 50
Member
2076 posts
Buzzing bee

sunshineflowers:  Are you saying that you would be fine giving in to whatever your partner wants regardless of your feelings on the situation?  So basically you would have no say and just let your partner have full say in everything?

I feel like you are really naive.  You don’t know how compromise can be hard?  Really?  When you have a strong view point on something and your partner has an opposing view point you both need to work together and make adjustments so that in the end you are both happy with the outcome.  And that can be very hard if your view points are so strong.

My H and I have been together over 13 years and been married over 4.  With little things he or I will just give in and let the other person have their way.  But there are times when important things occur where we have to compromise on our path forward.  And this can be difficult because as people we tend to be selfish and want what we want.  But when you are in a relationship that is no longer how it can be.

But for me my marriage has not been hard.  I have never found it hard.  Does my H frustrate me sometimes?  Sure.  Do we argue or fight?  Yes.  Are there days when I wake up and think “God I just really don’t like you right now”?  Hell yes.  But I love him regardless of how pissed off he makes me (and vice versa).  We also have a lot more amazing days then crappy ones.  We just love being with each other.  We are content with each other.  The nights I love the most are laying on the sofa reading a book while he is playing his video game.  Just having him there makes me happy.  And that is why we work through the shit because we don’t want to lose all the good.

Post # 51
Member
2076 posts
Buzzing bee

sunshineflowers:  Sex does not prevent fights.  You still have to deal with day to day crap and stressors.  You need to have discussions about finances and jobs and your plans for the future. Retreating to the bedroom every time you have life issues is not the answer.  Your issues will still be there and still need to be solved.  But to think that if you have sex you will never have problems is completely ridiculous.

Post # 53
Member
1017 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Sex doesn’t prevent fights!  Adding sex to a relationship adds complexity. You can have sex with someone you do not love, and you can love someone deeply without having sex. 

Post # 54
Member
5948 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

sunshineflowers:  Heck no! One of you wanting kids and one of you not wanting kids is a dealbreaker. Seriously, is this for real? I’ve never ever heard anyone think that sex is the “cure all”.

Post # 55
Member
5948 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

sunshineflowers: Read the other thread about arguing about wedding arrangements. “He wants navy blue and nothing girly at the wedding, I want pink flowers and crystals hanging everywhere.” One of them will have to compromise.

“He wants a small yard at our new house, I want a big yard.” One of them will have to compromise.

“He wants to go to Chilis for dinner, but I want Outback Steakhouse.”

 

Post # 57
Member
5158 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

sunshineflowers:  As a childfree person, having 1 or 2 kids would not be a compromise. Being childfree is a fundamental thing for me, and so I would be incompatible with someone who wanted children. Nor would that be fair to the hypothetical children.

If one does not want children and is against it, how would only having 1 or 2 children be a compromise? They still have children, and they have still become a parent. 

Now if one of you wanted 2 kids, and one wanted 4, having 3 might be a reasonable compromise for the two individuals. Here you differ on the amount of children, not in actually having children.

Post # 58
Member
1974 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016 - Sussex, UK

sunshineflowers:  from a previous post I’m guessing you are early 20s, is that right?

Post # 60
Member
2076 posts
Buzzing bee

sunshineflowers:  If one person does not want kids while the other person cannot imagine not having kids then I say that those two people are not right for each other.  Children should never be a compromise.  Ever.

When I talk compromise I am talking about things like, say you want to buy a new house.  After getting preapproved for a loan one person wants to buy a house at the top of the loan amount while the other wants to be a bit more frugal and buy on the lower end.  You have a discussion and talk about what each person wants and what is a must and what you can give up and you meet in the middle and come to compromise on how much you will spend and what kind of house you will buy.

Everyone compromises every single day.  Many times it is on small, insignificant things like where to go eat dinner.  Many times one will just give in and go where the other wants.  But when you are talking big important things that can impact you for a long time (like buying a house) compromise is an absolute must.

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