Post # 61
sunshineflowers: Oy. So many things coming to mind. If your husband doesn’t want kids and you do, having kids is not a compromise. Him wanting 2 and you wanting 4 and deciding on 3 is more of a compromise.
My husband and I have never had a big blow out fight, but there are plenty of things that we have to deal with because we are two different people. We have to work at our marriage to make sure we are both communicating healthily and listening to the other. Where to live, how many kids to have, how to raise them, how much money he should be spending on “toys,” house size and cost, in-laws being involved with our lives, deaths of friends/family, working too much… When you spend your life with someone, things come up.
Just “giving in to everything he wants” would make me miserable and resentful. And in turn, make him miserable because he has to live with me.
Post # 62
EllyAnne: yup, I’m 22 years old hehe 🙂
Post # 63
sunshineflowers: To answer your question about what role sex plays: sex doesn’t serve as some magical relationship bandaid. There are times when my Darling Husband and I have sex because we’re feeling super in love and there are times when we do it just for kicks. Sex can be a very important part of a relationship, but sex doesn’t hold your hair back when you’re throwing up in the toilet or rub your feet after a long day or listen to you rant about your narcissistic mother. It adds a nice extra layer of intimacy, but it’s not the solution for issues that will inevitably come up that can only be addressed by solid communication. Sometimes that communication is just a serious discussion, but sometimes it can devolve into fighting. I’m sure there are some relationships/marriages out there that have awesome make-up sex, but after a fight of any real substance (i.e. more than just light bickering) Darling Husband and I are usually so emotionally drained that the last thing we want to do is have a pants-off dance-off. It doesn’t mean I hate him or that I am not feeling close to him. Quite the contrary: usually after we’ve resolved a fight I feel that much closer to him because we were able to sort out something important as a team (even if it did get too intense…we are human, after all). But I’m not sexually aroused having just gone six rounds over an issue we needed to work through.
Post # 64
sunshineflowers: Honestly I don’t think your age is really a factor here. To me it sounds like you have been very sheltered your whole life. I mean a lot of this is common sense. You interact with people every day, correct? I am sure you have had to make compromises in your life. I am sure you have had arguments with friends or siblings. Just because you haven’t been in a romantic relationship doesn’t mean that you haven’t had to deal with relationships (being that of friends or family) in your past. The fundamental aspects do not necessarily change just because love and romance is involved.
Post # 65
At the risk of sounding rude, you really need to be having these conversations with your parents, mentors, elders in church, etc., along with some prayerful Bible study. Sure, you can find some Titus 2:4 Bees but it would be better to focus your attentions in this area IRL as opposed to online.
A God-ordained, Christian marriage that is Biblically-based is called “a mystery” for many reasons and some of us just plain have it harder than others. That’s our journey. Not all journeys look the same. The Bible is pretty clear on that. It’s the destination (seeking kingdom of God) and the means (faithful obedience) where our similarities lie.
Best wishes to you, Bee.
Post # 66
sunshineflowers: MattieK had a great example of compromise on the first page.
Plenty of people (not me, but someone might jump in!!) are in loving relationships without sex (i.e., those who don’t believe in sex before marriage). They are able to solve their issues just fine!
Sex is a major part of relationships, but it’s not some magical bandaid. Like PPs have said, it just adds another layer of complexity.
Post # 67
freckles071611: so basically,say for example both spouses before marriage agreed on having children. After marriage, the husband views changed and he was strongly against having children while his wife remained on her views. Since they can’t compromise in children, in this case should this be a deal breaker and they should divorce?
Post # 69
ajillity81: I think you’re misunderstanding what we ALL mean when we say marriage is “hard”. I don’t find staying married to my husband as a challange. I love my husband very much, I’m thankful for him and all the wonderful things he’s done for our family. But, I know that there are times when it seems like bad times hit hard. I don’t need someone to look down at me because they assume my marriage is bad because I describe it as sometimes hard. We’ve been through more together then I’d ever be willing to go though with anyone else. And it’s been 100% worth it. Doesn’t mean I have to have rose colored glasses to pretend it’s good all the time. My grandparents were married for 50 years, my parents were married for 40. I never once heard them describe it as a walk in the park. They fought each other and they fought for each other. It was HARD but they all said every day was worth it.
Post # 71
NFLwidow: I agree with you! These are big and difficult questions that you need to talk to someone about IRL. This forum is great for quick questions. But at this point we are discussing Huge issues. You need to decide these things on your own! I would say talk with a mentor or parent About these things. 😊
Post # 72
annd2015: This makes so much sense now. I always viewed sex as a bandaid and kinda a solution to problems. I guess its a crucial component in relationships, but not the be and end all of everything.
freckles071611: True, I’ve lived a really sheltered life *sigh*
Being homeschooled and doing college via distance ed along with living in a rural area has contributed to my thoughts. I never really had close friends and might say mom is my closest friend. I guess I need to go out more and explore.
Post # 73
NFLwidow: Had to Google that Titus 2:4 thing. Oh my!
sunshineflowers: One more example. I know you’re relgious and that’s not going to change. A friend was/is also religious. Miiiiiiiiiserable in her marriage, but I never knew the real reason, I’d just hear about fighting and just terrible stuff. FINALLY I found out he was looking at gay porn and trying to meet men on the internet. She never said the word gay, but he is. They have tried to “Jesus” it out of him. Which, of course, won’t happen. So they remain in a loveless, sexless, extremely unhappy marriage in the name of God. Of course that doesn’t happen to everyone who waits, but it does happen.
Post # 74
sunshineflowers: I don’t think your views are “warped” so much as they are not based in reality or experience. Can you share where, exactly, you got these ideas? I’m sure that no married person had the audacity to suggest to you that sex is the cure all to life’s problems.
P.S. this is especially untrue for people like yourself who have never had sex, never been in a relationship and will spend those first few months (if not years) just figuring out how to even do it, let alone make it good, let alone get it to a point where it can actually serve as any sort of problem solver.
Post # 75
RedHeadKel: NFLwidow: I had to google Titans 2:4 as well. all i can say is WOW!!!
sunshineflowers: I would never say that sex is a solution to problems. If anything, it can be a source of problems. Yes, sex is fabulous and fun and is a great way to connect with your hubby. But it can cause fights too. Just last night, Fiance and I got into a little tiff over sex and foreplay. We do not have the relationship where we have make up sex or sex 10x a day. Every couple is different, and sex can mean different things in every relationship. To some, it is a bandaid that they use to keep from discussing deeper more pressing issues. To others, it’s a way to connect. To some, it’s just fun. I could go on and on. But no, sex is not a end all be all to problems.