(Closed) Marriage is hard… how?

posted 4 years ago in Married Life
Post # 121
Member
147 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

sunshineflowers:  Where are you getting this perception of sex being a “barrier to problems”? I’ve never hear that phrase before and it seems something you are adamant about.

Post # 122
Member
1724 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

MissBridge:  I read that as a typo of sort.  I thought she meant sex REMOVED barriers to problems… or that the intimac required for sex would mean you did not have problems, etc.

Post # 123
Member
147 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Isilme:  Ah, I read it as “as long as you have TONS of sex you and your partner will never have issues”

I wan’t sure if it was a phrase typically used in the church/small group setting since she is religious

Post # 124
Member
3306 posts
Sugar bee

@sunshineflowers:  When I see photos of couples on social media all lovely dovey, I think that’s how their marriage is like, free of problems. I’m living in la la land to say the least :/

That’s because people only post what they WANT you to see on social media… They like to pretend them and their spouse poop rainbows and butterflies, don’t beleive that for one second. Yes, you are definitely living in la la land…

When you have serious relationships you will realise that it’s not only you and your partner. It’s the in-laws, additional life stressors, financial hardship, sometimes just LIVING together can open up a whole new can of worms. And none of that shit goes away just because you signed a legally binding document.

Post # 125
Member
229 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

I’ll just add that sex can mean different things to different people at different times in their life.  If you watch movies and are on social media then you know that there are women who get paid to have sex with men they don’t have any bonds with at all. 

You must also know from watching movies and social media that one night stands and casual sex are quite common and there is little to no bonding in these situations as well. 

So, I’m not sure what really makes a marriage work, because I’ve had one that failed and one is coming up, but i can tll you that I feel like a strong relationship gets its legs from overcoming adversity.

When a couple has problems (our big stressors have been moving, dealing with teenagers, addiction, death and money problems), fights will ensue 99.9% of the time.  Sex is less about emotion and more about fufilling a basic human need.  Anyone can have it with anyone else.  Sex and fighting really have nothing to do with eachother. 

But marriage is about creating a loving relationship with trust, companionship and comprimise making up the bulk of what holds it together.  Don’t get me wrong, sex is important ina relationship, I’d say even vital to a marriage, but its definatey not a magical key that makes everyone forget everyone elses flaws and problems and issues.

Post # 126
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee

I honestly can’t decide if I believe this is real or not… 

OP – assuming you’re real, have you ever had a relationship with another human being?

Yeah, I do have siblings, friends, etc and fight with them, lol. But somehow when it comes to marriage, I always view it as a bed of roses.

Why? If you have siblings, friends, parents who you love and who you fight with, WHY on God’s green earth would you then view marriage as a different magical type of relationship? Do your parents or ANYONE you know in real life, have this magical perfect relationship that you’re imagining? 

if two couples engage in one of the most intimate ways and are passionate, how can they just disregard this bond and break it by fighting and arguing

Fighting and arguing doesn’t “disregard” or “break” any bonds. Fighting and having sex are not mutually exclusive. You can have great sex, and a strong bond, and also fight/argue/disagree. 

How do you “choose” to love a spouse? Isn’t it by default that you love the person you marry?

Hopefully you love the person you marry, but you have to choose to remain married every day, and some days are harder than others because of ALL THE REASONS the other Bees have listed here. That’s called LIFE. 

I kinda always had a perception that sex is like a cure and the solution for most problems. That’s why it baffles me how can couples fight when they have sex, i.e, the “barrier” to their problems.

Wow. Just … wow. No. Sex is not a barrier to problems, or a cure for problems. Honestly, if this is something you believe, I would recommend that you get some therapy before you try having a romantic relationship with another person because this is a formula for a really unhealthy relationship.

Is [intimacy] more like a prevention against fights? So basically, the more intimate couples are the more deeper and stronger their relationship is, hence less fights?

No. Intimacy doesn’t prevent fights (in fact, it can be quite the opposite). The strength of a couple’s relationship does not directly correlate to how often they disagree. Certainly the frequency of sex doesn’t have anything to do with how often couples fight.

 I mean, [sex] strengthens the bonds between couples and brings them closer, so wouldn’t that kind of be a prevention to fights?

AGAIN – NO. Sex does not prevent fights. Seriously – where in the world did you get this ridiculous idea? I know you said “social media and movies and romantic novels” but honestly I haven’t seen one movie or read one romantic novel where the couple didn’t fight because they were having sex, so I don’t understand why you think this at ALL.

I’m starting to grasp this. Say for example, your partner dosent want kids and is against it while you love children and are dying to have many children. You might come to a compromise of having 1 or 2 children only. Is that what you mean by compromising?

I ask this genuinely – is English your second language? You seem to have a hard time understanding what a “compromise” is, and that’s a pretty basic concept in all relationships (sibling, friend, parental, romantic, etc.). It would be move believable that you don’t know what a compromise is if English is your second language. 

At first I didn’t want to poke this thread with a long stick… but then I couldn’t resist. Sigh.

Post # 128
Member
9033 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Please OP when you do find someone to marry sign up for one of those fly on the wall reality TV series. I would love to see how reality lives up to your fantasy/indoctrination. I think I would be in for hours of amusing TV viewing.

Post # 129
Member
3008 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

j_jaye:  I kind of think we’ve watched this scenario play out with Anna and Josh Duggar…..

Post # 130
Member
9033 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

MrsAKSkier:  lol my first response had something about them but I self censored. Still think this would make a better show! More sex for a start since it is the cure all for every disagreement.

Post # 131
Member
176 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

Life in general can be hard, but at the same time when you are in a good healthy relationship these things are minor, and the hardship usually only lasts the smallest of moments before you and your partner work as a team to overcome them.

Post # 132
Member
200 posts
Helper bee

There’s no way this is real. 

Or this person is much younger than they say they are or has some serious comprehension problems.

I’m starting to grasp this. Say for example, your partner dosent want kids and is against it while you love children and are dying to have many children. You might come to a compromise of having 1 or 2 children only. Is that what you mean by compromising?

Doesn’t know what compromising is? Really hard to take seriously.

 

Post # 133
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee

ks835:  I keep having the same thought. The OP is either 1) fake, 2) a 10 year old pretending to be 22, or 3) from some seriously   misogynistic culture that oppresses women (from the “doesn’t compromise mean just submitting to your partner in all situations?” comment). I have a hard time believing that anyone could be this clueless about basic human interaction. If it IS real … well … Wow.

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