(Closed) marriage is not easy,

posted 6 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
4275 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

No, but we had lived together before marriage. It is not really the marriage part that could make it difficult, it is the fact that you are two are now in each other’s space constantly and getting comfortable with each other. It could come to point where you two start becoming more like roomies. Try to switch up your routine every now and then and see if that works. Go on spontaneous trips for ice cream or something. Go see some random movie and laugh about how horrible it was. Have your seperate girl or guys time.

It could also be because the courting is over. You two are married, the excitement is over. You don’t have to try anymore. You have to work to keep that excitement alive.

Post # 4
Member
339 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I was in the same situation as you–didn’t live together before marriage (even didn’t have sex before marriage!), and it is a bit of an adjustment. We’ve been married two months now, though, and there are a lot fewer issues. Just give it a little more time. Everyone is different and while we adjusted very quickly, things are better now than they were last month. It just keeps getting better 🙂 Hang in there and give it some time, and please please talk to your husband about this! 

Post # 5
Member
2815 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

marriage for us was nothing more than a really special, busier than normal weekend for us, and me changing my name. After that, life went back to normal. We lived together for 7 years before marriage.

Not living together beforehand leaves A LOT out of a relationship, IMO. I understand why some couples do it, but I don’t think you truly know somone until you’ve lived with them. You guys are really getting to know eachother from scratch again.

It’ll take time and a lot of work from both of you, but you’ll adjust to eachother’s company!

Post # 6
Member
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Not married yet but I wanted to comment.

SO and I have been together for 2 years now and of those 2 years I only just moved back home and into his apartment with him this past April (previously in a different city 4 hrs away).

And I definitely experiences the adjustment of living together. SO has all these ideas of what I should be doing during the day (I work evenings he works days) and gets upset when it seems like I’ve done nothing (I can only clean so much, then what?). That and yes, we talk less. When we were LDR all we DID was talk, text, skype etc. And when I came down to visit we spent ALL the time together, snuggling or doing couple-y things.

Now that we live together it’s definitely an adjustment. We often wonder wtf to do most of the times and end up just sitting on the couch browsing the internet or something. Our schedules don’t match so we basically almost never see each other.

I don’t think marriage will change us that much tbh. I think the biggest adjustment is living together.

Living together is a give and take. You have to get used to what is expected of you and when you’re expected to do things. For example SO is crazy neater than I am and he thinks my closet is atrocious when it IS clean. You have to figure out what battles are worth it and what ones aren’t.

Post # 7
Member
1676 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Darling Husband and I have a hard time avoiding the “roomie” vibe too. It really does take some work to avoid settling into being comfortable. We’ve lived together for 3 years (2 years before marriage), and the main thing I miss about not living together was the way that everything was fun/exciting back then just because we were doing it together. It’s not that anything has really changed since then; the “new” has just worn off of things. I don’t really have any advice besides what PP have mentioned as far as trying to shake things up. Usually, adding more new is all you really need. 

Post # 8
Member
3170 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Not married yet but we’ve lived together for a little more than two years. The hardest thing to get used to is still spending quality time together. When you arn’t living together you make sure to plan date nights and doing special things because you don’t see each other as much. But once you live together you forget that those things are still so important. When we first moved in together I think we just forgot that we needed to make time for each other, we assumed that since we now lived together we would have all the time in the world. We went through a rough patch and talked about it and realized how much we both felt neglected and needed more love and attention. We now do atleast two dates night a month and make sure that our time together at home isn’t just watching tv. We play games or eat dinner at the table or take the dogs on a walk. It’s so important to still make special time just for you two.

Post # 9
Member
807 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I think the adjustment has more to do with moving in than it does with being married…we aren’t married yet but we definitely went through an adjustment period when we first moved in together. I think we were surprised, because we had spent so much time together that we felt like we knew what to expect. Um, no lol. A lot of the things you mentioned–sex life, how much we talked, etc, changed for us too.

Don’t stress too much–you will find a new “normal” and while it will be different than how things maybe were when you lived apart, there are some really great things about being able to settle into just being with someone on a day to day basis. One thing that might help is set a weekly date night, where you make an effort to do something outside your daily routine. It will help you make a conscious effort to set aside time to focus on each other.

Post # 10
Hostess
23602 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@knash004:  YES! My husband and I love each other to bits, but man, once we moved into our house and started trying to merge our lives together, it all felt like it was more stressful than planning the wedding or buying the house…combined! Things really started calming down once we finished furnishing our house and getting used to our quirks that we may not have been used to when we weren’t living together.  10 months exactly today, and we couldn’t be happier now.  Hopefully you’ll get there too!

Post # 11
Member
1144 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@urchin:  This!

Darling Husband and I lived together for a few years before marriage along with all of our kids 3 in total. We pretty much knew everything about each other by the time he proposed (he managed to make that a complete surprise!). Getting married just added to our relationship but not much has changed except the feeling of security.

Post # 12
Member
2889 posts
Sugar bee

It sounds like your bigger adjustment here is the living situation. Darling Husband and I lived together for about 3 years before marriage which gave us time to go through those living together phases befoer dealing with the marriage commitment. I think challenges of living together also depends on work schedules. When we first lived together he was still in grad school and had a pretty flexible schedule while I was looking for and startinga new job. I needed to be on a work schedule and he sometimes didn’t have class until afternoon and wanted to sleep in or stay out all night with friends becuse he knew he would not have such flexibility once he had a real job. This was stressful. There was also a period where I was working from home and he was writing a final paper so we often spent the entire day together in opposite rooms, not talking. We started planning “dates” like sunday brunch or going out to a casual dinner in order to really have time together that we could focus on us. Sometimes we would both come home from work and zone out on our computers and simply inviting the other to watch a TV show together or take a walk to the ice cream shop a few blocks away or drinking a cocktail on the balcony would get us to connect. I think it is important to build simple “dates” into your daily life where you focus on each other and talk about what is going on in your lives. The other thing that I really like is road trips. Not anything insane but we would drive 5ish hours to visit his family and it would be a great time to really talk and focus on each other. I think you just need time to figure out what works for you and you need to remember to keep the lines of communication completely open. Once you stop talking you can’t improve anything. Good luck in your adjustment!

Post # 13
Member
341 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

My husband and I just had an argument about this last night!  I have been feeling like things are different between us ever since the wedding.  And just like you, we moved in together after the wedding.  

It’s been REALLY HARD for me to adjust to this new life.  And I think some bees that have posted before me really hit the nail on the head.  When the newness wears off and you’re together all the time, you forget to connect the way you did before the wedding.  

The two of us together talked this out last night (after we argued) and we realized we haven’t been spending quality time together.  We get home from work…exhausted…and we find it way too easy just to park it on the couch and call it a night in front of the tv.  We used to walk around the neighborhood, take a bike ride together, grab a bite to eat, go for a run.  Since we got married we stopped working out, we let our stress get the best of both of us and we forget to really talk to each other.  

I feel good that we’re getting back on the right track.  I think newly married couples, who are also just starting to live together for the first time, have a bit of a bumpy road to travel…but I’m confident that if my husband and I keep talking to each other about these things…we’ll make it through the rough spots together.  

 

Post # 14
Member
585 posts
Busy bee

This was my top reason for living together before marriage. Combining every day lives is a huge deal (for most people) and I wanted to separate that from everything else and MAKE SURE we are compatible before we tie the knot. It’s still the same person, but you get to know that person like you never thought you did before!

Does he leave the toilet seat up? Do you hog the bed? How are chores and bills divided? Are you forgetful and late with the bills? If you get a dog, who takes care of it? There are a million little things it seems like! I could go on and on. You will each unravel each other’s expectations of marriage, even if you thought you didn’t have any. Don’t worry, it all gets sorted out!! 🙂

In the beginning it is hard… although there is a lot of cool stuff!! Try to focus on those. You will work out a routine and the stress will settle down. The best thing you can do is try to roll with it, and be honest and vocal about the situation with your husband… it is better if you don’t bottle it up. Good luck!

Post # 15
Member
916 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

My Husband and I have been married for 9 months and we’re still adjusting to married life. We have been living together for almost 2 years (We moved in together about 1 year before we were married). We had only been dating for about 5 months when we decided to move in together and I don’t think either of us was truly ready for that kind of commitment, but we jumped into it cuz my Husband’s job at the time (he worked the graveyard shift) made it difficult for us to get much time together (especially cuz neither of us had our own transportation). However, he got a new job 4 months ago and we pretty much work the same hours now which we’re adjusting to still and we got a car 6 months ago which has been a wonderful change (even if our finances are hurting more cuz of it).

We definitely fell into the roomie vibe after moving in together. It seems like we don’t have nearly as much fun together as we used to, but we’re both working to improve that now. Finding things to do together for little to no money has been really challenging for us. We have just been so broke since my Husband’s new job pays less, we now have a car, and we recently moved to a new place where we have to pay all the utilities. We also spend waaay too much time together out of habit and it gets annoying. We need to have nights out seperately with our friends, but it seems like the few friends we do have are always busy. We go to a therapist together and that has helped us a lot so far so I definitely recommend seeing a good therapist.

 

 

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