Post # 1
So FI and I arent getting married until Nov 12, 2010 but are applying for our marriage license next friday so we can legally get married early. We’re doing this for many reasons that will benefit us. 1. My parents health insurance is dropping me in August bc i won’t be a full time student next semester so I’m getting on his ins. which will also allow my daughter to get on his and off Medicaid. 2. He is in the military and when we get married he gets paid $500 more. We just bought a house and can definately afford it but getting the extra money now can help us buy more furniture and start saving more. 3. We are moving to a different state and I’m having to transfer colleges and in order to avoid out of state tuition(which is THOUSANDS more!) we’d need to be married bc military spouses are considered residents. We also agree to keep it secret and definately still consider our wedding day our anniversary (though it’ll be hard to not call him husband 🙂 ) So we’re not doing this to “act” married or move in together or anything. I talked to my parents about it and they’re so against it… all they can say is “so instead of under the eyes of God yall are just going to the courthouse and doing it front of a judge??” I’ve explained all these reasons to them and it’s just not enough. Is it just me or are these VERY LEGIT reasons?? I dont see anything wrong with it! Advice please 🙁
P.S. What do you have to bring to the courthouse to get your marriage license?
Post # 3
I don’t think there is anything wrong with it and I think your reasons are understandable.
Are you still have a religious ceremony on your wedding day to get married “under the eyes of god” doesn’t that make your parents happy?
In my province to get a marriage license you need to pieces of identification (one being a passport/birth certificate/citizenship card) the other being government issued photo ID). But check to see what you need in your state. Also I think you have to make an appointment to actually sign the license at the courthouse – so I would look into that too!
If you parents are giving you guys are hard time about it – don’t tell them your plans and just go ahead and do what you need to do!
Post # 4
I think for some parents or people who have very strong beliefs about marriage, this might be hard for them to understand. But I do! My fiance is military as well, and just deployed overseas for 6 months. We realllly considered making it “legal” before he left for a lot of similar reasons, but in the end decided for our situation it wasn’t going to make a huge difference. However, I have a lot of othe rmilitary friends who have signed the papers early – a lot of it for benefits reasons, too – and it was the right choice for them. While most people they told were pretty understanding & sensitive to their situation, others were not.
Bottom line, do what is best for you, your fiance and your family. You don’t have to explain or rationalize it to anyone else!
And for marriage license, each state & county is different. Check your county’s website. They should have the necessary documentation listed.
Post # 5
The reasons you listed aren’t just legitimate – they’re SMART. You’re doing what’s best for you and your daughter, and I would think your parents would be proud of you for taking her needs and your finances more seriously than, say, the desire for a big celebration on a particular day.
What you need for your license varies. I’d call the Clerk’s Office for your parish and inquire directly.
Post # 6
Your reasons are completely understandable, and I really think this is more common nowadays than they think. Hell — a handful of the Bees did this same thing! My fiance is not in the military but rather the foreign service, and we did this same thing before he went abroad (we’re now living apart for this year). You can try to calmly and rationally explain the benefits to your mom, but in the end she still might just not get it. It seems your only other option if you STILL can’t sway her is to do it without telling her… but personally this would make me feel guilty and sad. If you can handle it, it’s an option. Otherwise, trying to appeal to her sensible side is key (sounds like you’ve been doing this… just keep at it!). Good luck!
Post # 7
From a very general POV, I’m not in favor of legal marriage before the wedding.
But, as teaadntoast said, your reasons are really smart. I think the thing you should say to your parents is, “look, I understand and respect your concerns, and I also believe it is important we marry before god, which we will do. But I am also a mother, and my daughter has to be a top priority for me. This is the best thing for her. I cannot risk her health. Therefore, unless you want to help me by getting private insurance for her, I am doing this.”
Post # 8
I think it is important to do what is best for you and your FI and your daughter. From what I have read, this is the right decision for you guys. Your reasons make sense and you are not depriving your family of what they view as a “proper” wedding. You will be legally married early, but your spiritual marriage (so-to-speak) will be later in front of God and your family and friends. I hope everything works out for you!
Post # 9
Hi, I totally agree with
@teaadntoast: You are SMART!!!
I think you should JUST DO IT!!! JUST DON’T TELL ANYBODY!!! If you tell anybody, you run the risk that your parents will most likely eventually find out and be P****D OFF! I would just treat everything as if your wedding day is in November!!! You’re living together when you move out of state, and then your “church wedding” in November will be “Under God” right?! It’s just the legal part that you are doing now. These totally can be done separately, but if your parents are paying big bucks for a reception for you, I can kind of understand where they are coming from, but still, IMO, go to the courthouse, make it simple and sweet for the three of you, and continue on! It looks like a lot of Military people do this, you definitely wouldn’t be the 1st!! 🙂
Post # 10
We’re probably doing something similar – getting legally married near our hometown so our grandparents can attend but having a big wedding to celebrate with family and friends closer to where we live. Except I suck at keeping my own secrets, so I’m pretty sure everyone will know our wedding ceremony isn’t the legal one.
I think what you should do is lay out to your parents those reasons why you’re getting legally maried now. Specifically couch it as “legally.” Separate the rights and benefits of the legal contract you plan to enter into at the courthouse, from the blessing, the vows, the marriage ceremony that you’ll have later.
Post # 11
Thanks gals! I definately feel more sure about this now. It’s just, me and my parents are very close and I’d feel much better about it if i got their approval(even tho im a grown adult lol) I think we’re dong it anyways and they’ll eventually come around and see how much better this way will be for us.
@monitajb: my daughter has Medicaid through the government right now. But if we got our license he makes to much money for her to continue on Medicaid and she would basically HAVE to get on his insurance. Which would def. be a plus. But it would be no big deal for her to just stay on Medicaid. Soooo I dont think saying that would fly with my parents.
Post # 12
you have two huge and very legit reasons:
as much as your parents may have their opinions i would just keep reminding them that you’re doing it for smart, responsible reasons.
Post # 13
@mrsjkl: thats exactly my plan! they’ll come around.
Post # 14
I have known a good number of christian couples who have gotten married on paper so they could start the spousal visa process (one was usually from England) but didn’t get “married” until their actual wedding date. I actually just found out my FSIL did that when she got married two years ago. I was at the wedding (before I was dating her brother) and had no idea.
Post # 15
I say do it…you have very sound reasons for wanting to go ahead and get married and I don’t think it will take anything away from your day.
As far as getting married under the eyes of God….God is everywhere. God is in you and in your FI so wherever you gather, that’s where God will be.
Post # 16
I think the health insurance bit is super important for both you and your daughter though – and I think it IS a big deal to get her off Medicaid, or any other state/federal aid program if you have the option available to do so. Of course, bottom line is that she needs insurance either way, that’s most important.
I will tell you, that I’ve had some cousins who were legally married, didn’t tell anyone, then held a very traditional, big wedding a year later. (They were military too, and married for the benefits the military extends to spouses). Many people in our family, especially the older folks were super angry when they found out, because they felt lied to, and it was their opinion that the couple had “double-dipped” – enjoying the financial benefit of being married, and then holding a wedding where they “pretended” that they had not already been married. I’m not saying that opinion is right or wrong – just saying – it was a big deal for a long time, and many people were very hurt. Some of my family is really old-school and conservative, and they STILL hold a grudge over this, which happened like 10 years ago!
I think it’s fine if you and your FH believe that’s best for you guys and your daughter, but I think you should consider being honest with people. If you do keep it secret, I guess, just be aware of the possibility of some hurt-feelings from family.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do!