Post # 17
I’m sorry your parents are having trouble understanding your reasons. I agree with the general POV here–you gotta do what’s best for you and your daughter. We may have our legal ceremony within the next few months too. Not everyone understands, which is why we’re gonna keep it to ourselves until we’re married.
Post # 18
@JessicaL: I see. Well, you still have plenty of other good reasons, so I would find the reason that makes the most sense to you and press that point.
Post # 19
I don’t see a problem with your reasons at all, but I DO see a problem with not being up front about being married already. Under the eyes of God or not you will be married, so yes, it would be a lie to not call him your husband.
Post # 20
they can and will perform religious ceremonies at the courthouse.. so you still will be getting married in front of god. i know lots of people who do this, especially since i’m a military spouse. we had discussed it a few times, but things worked out for us and i found another insurance so we were able to wait. but it wasn’t out of the question
Post # 21
Its your life & your marriage – you do have very legit reasons.
My brother got married in a similar situation (military) – the first wedding was held in a church w/bout 15 people (at the last minute he asked me to stand up as his best “sister”)…. the bride walked down the isle in a very nice, casual dress & flowers picked up at the grocery store – afterwards we all went to eat at a rest. & we all paid for our own meal. it was very unorthodox, but all the important people were present…..
then in may,
she had what i call the horse & pony show!!! 7 bridesmaids, 200 guests…. she never kept their marriage a secret…. they just got married again!!
Post # 22
my fiance and i have seriously thought about this solely for insurance purposes. but, i get the full possible amount of financial aid for school right now bc i make beans by myself haha. so we decided against it.
But, the point of doing this in secret, is that it is secret. your parents don’t even need to know when you do it. and it’s not like you’re never going through with having a wedding. you have a lot of really mature, good reasons. and it’s about you two, no one else. don’t let your parents’ opinion bother you, and not knowing won’t have any effect on them.
good luck and congratulations!! high five for looking at all the options. i think it’s a great decision.
Post # 23
I agree that it seems you’ve thought this out and you have very reasonable reasons for being married early. However, I have to disagree with keeping it secret. Like someone said, it’s your life and your decision – but part of being an adult is owning up to your decisions. If you really believe being married early is the best decision for you, then make the decision and stick to it. Also, big secrets like this always seem to find a way to come back and haunt you.
Post # 24
THanks for the advice and encouragement everyone!
Well I’ll tell my family but im not going to go around town yelling and spreading it all over facebook that we got married lol and i def wont keep it from my parents, whether they accept it or not. We’re grown adults and can make our own decisions. As i said before I would just feel better if they approved. I think they’d be more dissapointed if i DIDNT tell them. not to mention i live in a small town. word gets around FAST!
Post # 25
I don’t see anything wrong with this as long as you are open about it. I had a friend of a friend do this, and my friend was LIVID when she found out they had legally married the year before. Just be honest about it. Legally married and spiritually married can be different things.
Post # 26
Do it. If it bugs your parents so much, don’t tell them you went through with it. Ugh, it bugs me so much when people bring up the “getting married in front of God” line…hello, if God even exists, isn’t he supposed to be able to see/know everything? Therefore, you can get married wherever the hell you want.
Post # 27
Do whatever is best for you and your daughter. It sounds like your parents are being very short sighted.
As far as getting married at the courthouse goes, give your local county register of deeds or courthouse a call and find out what exactly you need. If you want to get married by a judge, you may need to have an appointment. Otherwise, make sure you go to a place where there is a magistrate on duty to perform the ceremony. My best friend had to go to the jail to get married because that is the only place in her county that has a 24 hr magistrate and she insisted that her legal stuff be done on the same day as her wedding (her officiant wan’t ordained, so legally couldn’t marry them). It’s pretty unglamorous unless you plan to make it more than just some random guy behind plexiglas reading your vows to you. It really is just paperwork and your parents need to get over it.
Post # 28
Your reasons are very sound. Out of state tuition is horrible. I had to pay it for undergrad because my dad paid my insurance but thankfully, when we moved, I was able to get instate tuition for my grad school right away because of my husband’s job.
Post # 29
In this case, I agree with the commenters who fall on the side of “Don’t tell a soul” (other than any witnesses you’re required to have). Tell your parents you changed your mind. Yes, lying to close loved ones is awful and horrible and toxic and in 99.999% of situations it’s the worst idea ever, but your parents don’t sound like they are convinceable on this topic. Based on their reaction thus far, it seems important enough to them that you may be dealing with a lack of respect for your real wedding from them for a long, long time. Just go do it, then forget that you did it, live your life as a happily engaged couple, and enjoy the heck out of your wonderfully special and incredibly meaningful wedding day.
[ETA] Seriously though – if you do it, it’s wisest not to tell a single person, or it probably will one day get back to someone who will care and will flip out. Just treat it like it’s not a big deal, because it’s not; your actual wedding day is a big deal. Then, as I said, forget about it.
Post # 30
If your parents are focused on the whole religious aspect of marriage, then they should realize there is a difference between getting married in a church under God (which in their eyes is legitimate) and having man-made rights given to you and a title.
For me, I believe that being married is something between man, woman, and God; 100%.
However, because I believe that’s where the really special marriage is formed also means that I believe/ recognize that getting a marriage liscenes may give special privelages here on Earth, but it really has no affect either way in heaven so long as you guys aren’t living together/acting married before you truly are in front of God. Another poster above did make a good comment that getting married and saying you arent is a lie, though but I do think that a title by government isn’t true marriage so its’ not a lie
Hope that made sense. Best of luck with what you decide to do. I think that doing it for the health insurance benefits are right, but not just to get an extra $500 a month because you could use it – a lot of people could use it, you know.