(Closed) Marriage Means Compromise. What If I Don’t Wanna?

• izziebear
• 10 years ago

Hi bees! This may be a little long, but I could really use your advice.

A little backstory: My SO and I have come to the mutual (and happy!) decision that we want to be married no later than summer of 2012, so a proposal has been in the works for a while. He is in the process of getting all his ducks in a row for a ring and all that jazz. If timing works in our favor, we will be engaged within the next 4-9 months.

When I first began dating my SO, I was months away from making a big move from Northern California to Austin, Texas. It was a move I was supposed to make the previous year, but postponed after my Dad had a massive heart attack. Around the time my moving deadline was approaching, my boyfriend declared he was ready to make the move out of state with me to a city he had never visited. However, he had just gotten a new job with higher pay and really wanted to put in his time. He loved his new job, had a lot of learning opportunities, and felt like it was a great resume builder, so I decided I would encourage him to finish out the year there and we would move in together in our current city. I was a little bummed about postponing the move to my beloved city of Austin, but I loved him more.

With me being a teacher, and him being a pharmacy technician, we have a moderate combined salary. Buying a home in our expensive beach town with enough bedrooms for a family just isn’t the most realistic thing in the world. I grew up and went to college in Northern California, and while it’s an amazing area, I am really ready for a change. There are more jobs in the special education field in Austin, it’s cheaper to live there, and I have had my heart set on attending graduate school at the University of Texas ever since I completed my undergraduate career. My SO currently has his Associates degree and Pharmacy Tech license, and has been toying with the idea of returning to school for his BA.

Last night, he returned home to tell me that a coach of a UC rugby team had recognized and approached him, and has seen him play (he plays on a local club team), and asked him if he was thinking about applying to transfer to a four year university. The coach told him that if he did, he would love to have him on the team. My SO is obsessed with rugby and was really flattered – so much so that I know he wants to consider it. When I mentioned our plans to move to Austin early next year, he said something along the lines that we would be moving to pursue my dreams, and that he would be sad to give up a set opportunity to go back to school and play his sport. I tired to tell him that he could go back to school in Texas, and he agreed, but is worried of the possibility of not getting in, or being unable to play rugby for them.

I really want to be supportive, especially because this is the man I love more than anything and am going to marry, but the thought of remaining here for another couple more years doesn’t make me very happy. I don’t want to say anything that sounds selfish or mean spirited, but I am a little irked that he’s throwing this issue on the table when I thought we had a set plan. I want to compromise, but inside, I know I just want to be stubborn. I’m not sure how to proceed with this discussion – any thoughts?

Thank you!

• izziebear
• 10 years ago

Thank you for your response. Hmm…perhaps my initial post was a little confusing and made us sound a bit younger than we are, but I’m a little offput by the fact that you advised us to have a “grown-up talk”. While I believe there is always room for maturity and growth, I am, in every way, a grown up.

To answer your question, we are 25 years old, live together, and both have full-time jobs. We have talked, in length, about timelines in relation to home buying and starting a family, and would both prefer to have our first child before the age of 30. We are both excited about starting our lives with one another, and he is currently saving for an engagement ring. We have been ring shopping and have lightly considered a few venues. We are both very much ready to settle down together.

As far as college – he never really saw himself as the ‘academic’ guy, so he would be a returning, older student if he decided to go back to school to finish his Bachelors degree. Because he is so passionate about sports and is incredibly atheletic, he would love to play rugby at a school if he had the opportunity.

There isn’t exactly a rush, per say, but I would very much like to go to graduate school within the next year (I have my heart set on UT), and if we are planning to have children in the next 5 years, I would like to have already closed on a home. Together, we have significant saving accounts, but want the most “bang for our buck”.Also, we leave for a 6 day vacation to Austin next Friday afternoon – it will be his first time.

• izziebear
• 10 years ago

@ MissHelen & FutureMrsMorgan: That is what I gathered from his comment initially. He later admitted he said it out of frustration, and said that his ultimate dream is, of course, our shared dream, of being married and sharing our lives together. I guess we’re just going to have to have another discussion about our location for the next few years.

I also want to mention that my BF is a wonderful, wonderful man who has been selfless in so many ways in our relationship. We have an incredible bond and have a healthy, and lovely relationship. I don’t want to paint a negative picture of him at all. His comment about “moving to pursue my dream” was a little out of character for him, which is why I went to the bee for advice on how to pursue the conversation without an argument.

I just want us both to be happy and feel like our goals and dreams are being honored. It’s a tad bit rough that they are being offered in different locations, but relocating without him, and him staying in town without me is essentially out of the question for the both of us.