(Closed) Marriage- Normal or not Normal?

posted 3 months ago in Married Life
Post # 31
189 posts
Blushing bee

Does he work 3 jobs because he has too? Or is this something he has just decided to do? Some people like to overwork themselves and play the martyr role, just wondering if that is part of it? Or you guys really need the money. 

I’ve heard twins can do a number on marriages. I have one baby I couldnt imagine two so I imagine you guys are both perpetually exhausted right now. I don’t think it gives him the right though to not acknowledge and do something special for Mother’s Day especially your first and he should be supportive when you are ill. It was my first Mother’s Day too and my DH and his mom kind of ruined it. But instead of giving me the silent treatment he took my hurt to heart and made it up to me. 

Op giving the silent treatment is super childish and selfish. If my DH ruined my first Mother’s Day and then gave me the silent treatment like I had no right to be upset id be asking him to leave. Silent treatment is manipulation. I don’t think the bed sharing is a big issue its the lack of communication and the lack of consideration for you and your feelings that is a problem. 

Post # 32
664 posts
Busy bee

Well what on earth did I just read?! 

This guy sounds awful. 

Post # 33
717 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

View original reply
@tess90:  yes, last statistic I heard on it was 1 in 4. My spouse and I have slept in separate rooms for years. We also have our own walk-in closets and full baths. It’s an introvert’s heaven imo.

Sleeping in the same room or even the same bed hasn’t always been the norm. It shifts with the times like skinny jeans 😊

Post # 34
1564 posts
Bumble bee

I’m not condoning your husband’s behaviour at all. The things he has done sound counselling-worthy bad. However, him begging you to hire some help for the twins sounds significant. Twins are no joke – unless you have some kind of wonder unicorn babies, if both parents aren’t fully on board and in tune with each other 95% of the time, it’s very destructive. I have twins myself who are now three, so I understand the unique kind of partnership needed with your spouse to handle them. The exhaustion can most definitely lead to acting really shitty to your spouse. 

If your husband needs help in a twin household and you can afford it, then I’d give it a try. And try counselling to address his behaviour to you. 

Post # 35
3189 posts
Sugar bee

Definitely not normal!!! While it’s perfectly fine to have separate bedrooms, couples that do have talked about it and agreed to it. One spouse doesn’t just unilaterally decide after 7 years of sharing a room that they want their own space, start moving their things and never even mention it to their spouse.

He sounds abusive, to be honest. The silent treatment is not acceptable for a grown man and is emotional abuse. I wouldn’t be going to counseling with him, I’d look into counseling for myself and talk to a divorce lawyer.

Post # 36
1059 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I agree with littlebuzz. I think his silent treatment is a terrible way to handle conflict and unilaterally moving room also upsetting. But he does sound overwhelmed and maybe is just so desperate for sleep. I would take up his plea to hire help with the twins and be kind to each other.

I do know people who have separate rooms. They mostly have snoring issues or the woman bedsharing with young children which is disrupting the man who needs to work. 

Post # 39
202 posts
Helper bee

Yes many happy couples sleep apart, but honestly during conflict is just not the way to suddenly start, without any discussion about it or anything, that’s just weird. He is definitely being passive aggressive and you guys have some talking to do.

Post # 42
3151 posts
Sugar bee

If yall can afford to hire help for the twins, I have to wonder why is he working 3 jobs? Something’s gotta give. If it were me, I’d be comforatble hiring someone who has been fully vaccinated to help with the twins, but everyone has a different risk tolerance. Though your husband is doing a shit job of communicating it, it’s clear the status quo is not working for him and honestly that’s understandable with everything he has on his plate (you also have a ton on your plate, I am not discounting that!).

Basically with your updates this sounds like a combo of really bad communication in your marriage on top of totally understandable strain on both your side and your husband’s due to the pressure of baby twins with a pandemic to boot. You guys need to start working like a team here. I think there are two main things to address:

  • Communication. Silent treatment is never ok. If one of you is losing your shit due to exhaustion, work stress, twin stress, or whatever, you need to express it in a respectful way, not shut down and passive aggressively punish the other. Maybe start scheduling a weekly checkin with each other so you can stay ahead of these problems and address each other’s mounting stress/exhaustion before it reaches a critical point. My husband and I go on daily walks a few times a week with our toddler and it’s a great way for us to connect, express whatever is on our minds, and just have some “us” time while getting fresh air! No matter how awful our moods are when we start the walk, we always come home feeling refreshed and better. 
  • Easing the burden: Figure out how you can make life easier and more manageable for both of you. Having one baby in a pandemic is hard enough – twins would put a massive strain on even the best marriage, I’m sure! Hire someone to help a few days a week if you can possibly make yourself feel comfortable with it. Consider sleep training if you haven’t already…getting those twins on something resembling a schedule (i.e., 7pm bedtime) will be lifechanging for your sanity and your marriage. Figure out if there are other things in your daily life that can be outsourced (house cleaning, cooking, etc). Agree that you both get one night completely off every month (this sounds heavenly!). 

A counselor could def be helpful to you in navigating all of this…these are just some ideas!

Post # 43
4497 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Based on all of your posts, I wonder that your husband is suffering from burnout or even some kind of post-partum depression. I know people roll their eyes at the idea of men having it, but he does seem anxious, irritable and angry. That’s often the way it presents in men. He may not have PPD , but at a minimum it sounds like he’s burnt out, and obviously as PPs mentioned sucks at communicating that. None of that is an excuse for his behaviour, but more of an explanation of where it might be coming from.

That said, I also think that when he IS trying to communicate you need to work on listening. You admit he’s begged you to hire help, and you refuse. Consider how he might feel about that: if I went to my partner asking for help and they refused, I’m not sure I’d feel valued, nor would I be likely to ask for their help in the future. 

It sounds like you are BOTH burnt out and exhausted. Babies (even very wanted ones!) do that, and especially when there’s two! It’s totally ok to have enjoyed a break, and doesn’t make you a bad mom. You have to take care of yourself. You both do, and I would argue that should include additional help.

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