(Closed) Marriage- Normal or not Normal?

posted 3 months ago in Married Life
Post # 46
Member
10046 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

It sounds like he needs to not be working 3 jobs, full stop. You both sound overwhelmed and exhausted.

Something has to give, and at this point it sounds like it’s going to be your marriage if you stay on this path.

Post # 47
Member
4367 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

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@helpluv11:  I’m so sorry, but every time you post about your husband he sounds like such an ass. No, this isn’t normal. 

Ignoring your first Mother’s Day is rude. Passive aggressively ignoring you is immature. And now moving into the guest bedroom. Ugh. 

I’m so sorry that you are so unsupported by him. 

Post # 48
Member
3151 posts
Sugar bee

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@helpluv11:  Why not hire a property manager now to help with the properties you’re already managing? Would that be an option along with hiring someone to help with the twins? It sounds like you guys are well off, so there’s gotta be some areas you can outsource. Just trying to think of solutions to help you both get your sanity back!

Post # 49
Member
555 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

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@tetonlove:  We have our separate walk in closets and bathrooms as well, separate spaces to work as well…but we sleep in the same bed…because in my mind if we were sleeping in separate rooms  we might as well just be roommates… laughing I don’t know anyone personally who did that long term, included introverts. I am an introvert/ambivert, my husband is an extrovert. I only heard people were doing it when they had newborns and one parent had to wake up early and go to work …but it was out of necessity. To me it’s the best part of marriage to sleep in the same bed. But to each their own:)

Post # 50
Member
423 posts
Helper bee

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@emilyofnewmoon:  These are good suggestions. Hiring a property manager and help for the twins will help to take some stress off of both of you. At least look at what it would cost to hire someone for these things and look at your budget to see if it would work. 

Post # 52
Member
1667 posts
Bumble bee

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@helpluv11:  Don’t regard it as ‘giving in’ to hire someone to help!  If it saves your sanity and your marriage it is a very sensible thing to do.  You’ve said that you regret not ‘giving in’ to outsourcing the laundry earlier when your husband asked you to, so why hold out on getting some extra help now?

Don’t forget you are dealing with what would be a busy life at the best of times, juggling three jobs.  Add in to that the hassle of adjusting to parenthood (twice over!) and caring for twin babies AND having to do all that in the middle of a pandemic, and it’s really not surprising you are struggling.

Seeking help is nothing to be ashamed of.  Since you can afford it, outsource the cleaning, cooking, childcare, property management or whatever else you need to do to give yourselves a break.  Spend some time together, learn better communication skills and get that counselling. Right now, it sounds like you are both running on empty, and that is not going to be sustainable much longer.

Post # 53
Member
8002 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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@helpluv11:  My husband and I always slept together until Covid and now with everyone home all day, every day combined with the changes in my work and exercise routine I don’t sleep well at all and head off to the guest room for better sleep as needed. I know a number of married couples who sleep separately

While I can understand how your husband is stressed and overwhelmed he must find better ways to handle it and communicate. And hire a property manager.

And if you are working from home you need childcare. Most employers require it. Even 20-25 hours/week could make a difference in your stress level and in the health of your marriage. You are no less their mother if someone else cares for them part of the time. 

Counseling. On your own or together or both. Between Covid and twins you are both dealing with a lot of major life changes in a short period of time. Learn how to navigate it all together before it’s too late. 

Post # 54
Member
3151 posts
Sugar bee

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@tess90:  Why would separate bedrooms make you nothing more than roommates? My husband and I used to have separate bedrooms back when his snoring was out of control (he has since gotten a cpap machine for his sleep apnea and we are back to sharing a bed)… it was the only way I could sleep. We still had regular sex so def not a roommate situation!. I do prefer sharing a bed but not at the expense of a good nights sleep! Marriage is about so much more than sharing a bed during a few hours of unconsciousness imo (DH and I also have very diff sleep schedules so only overlap 4-5 hrs at night usually anyway).

Maybe the reason you’ve never heard of couples doing this is because people get weirdly judgy about it so it’s not something that many couples openly talk about?

Post # 55
Member
730 posts
Busy bee

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@emilyofnewmoon:  Maybe the reason you’ve never heard of couples doing this is because people get weirdly judgy about it so it’s not something that many couples openly talk about?

No kidding! Why would anyone want to be open and honest with someone who is so weirdly judgy? Marriage comes in all shapes and sizes, and just because something doesn’t work for one judgemental person may be someone elses sweet spot. 

Post # 56
Member
4497 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

The funny thing is, I think a lot of people would ultimately be happier if they were more open to things that aren’t the traditional ideas of “how marriage should be”. 

Post # 57
Member
2146 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m concerned about the fact that you keep calling yourself a Stay At Home Mom. No, you aren’t solely a Stay-At-Home Mom. You are a WORKING mother. You are working part-time, as well as caring for twins. In most jobs, this wouldn’t fly. In most jobs, they would expect you to have some sort of child care for while you are working.

You aren’t giving in to get some help. Help is necessary for you because you have two babies rather than one. Help is necessary because you are also working part time. Getting some help is the responsible thing to do. You aren’t going to be a great mother or wife if you are constantly exhausted, so getting some help will allow you to be a better mother and wife. Hire a property manager. With your husband less exhausted, he will be a better father and husband. 

Post # 58
Member
3189 posts
Sugar bee

Absolutely do NOT do counseling with this emotionally abusive man. I’m appalled at the bees even suggesting this and acting like this is just a little issue.  What’s wrong with the bees lately? This is the same man that screams at you, and called your son ugly because he was the same skin color as you.

Seek counseling for yourself ASAP but do NOT attend couples counseling with him.

Post # 59
Member
2146 posts
Buzzing bee

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@mrsaime:  Whoa, you are absolutely right. I didn’t look in the past history.

Wow. OP, you keep minimizing every awful thing your husband does and pretending he’s actually great. He’s not a good partner, he’s not a good father, and I stand by my original post – he’s an asshole and he’s going to continue to be. He hasn’t changed. However, look at your past posts. It’s been a year or so since you had children and you’ve posted so many times about your husband being terrible. I understand that it’s been rough, I understand that you are trying, but ultimately you married a man who is emotionally and verbally abusive. It’s clear you aren’t happy. You can’t fix him or make him not be an asshole. All you can do is get away from it. When you are ready to face that, come back here and we will give you lots of support. 

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