(Closed) Marriage- Normal or not Normal?

posted 3 months ago in Married Life
Post # 62
2145 posts
Buzzing bee


– your husband kept telling you and his entire family that his child was ugly
– he dismisses your concerns and gaslights you
– he screams at you
– doesn’t communicate with you
– gives you the silent treatment
– ignores special days to punish you
– isolates himself from you without a discussion about it

None of these tell me he’s a good husband. I don’t care how funny, smart, hardworking he is – if he resorts to manipulation and abuse when he gets upset he is NOT a good husband. Anyone can be nice when things are going their way. It’s how people behave when things get tough that matters. And all that I can see is that when things get tough, your husband becomes your enemy and not your ally. 

He may have gone to therapy, but he hasn’t changed. He still resorts to manipulative and abusive behaviors. 

Post # 64
2145 posts
Buzzing bee

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@helpluv11:  Yeah I don’t agree with your therapists at all and I’m surprised at this. So basically, your husband acts like an ass and hurts you but you just need to forgive him and move on? 

When you are treated this way, you have every right to have bad feelings about it. You do not have an obligation to just forgive and move on – he has the obligation to earn back your trust. That is what the therapists should have been working on, but instead they focused on you, because you are the one willing to twist yourself into a pretzel to make things work out. 

In the meantime, he’s continuing with the same crap. And now you probably feel even more responsible for placating him and making him feel better, and are less open to advocating for yourself. 

YOU are not the problem here. You never were. Your feelings and concerns are right and have always been right. It’s ok for you to be disappointed, angry, hurt. It’s not ok for you to constantly blame yourself, be harder on yourself than you are on your husband, or feel you need to fix yourself because you haven’t bounced back quickly enough from his tantrums. 

Post # 65
8000 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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@tess90:  because in my mind if we were sleeping in separate rooms  we might as well just be roommates…

Fortunately for us (and for most couples) the best parts of our marriage happen when we are both awake.

Post # 66
3189 posts
Sugar bee

This isn’t about good times vs bad times. This is about emotional ABUSE. Any therapist that’s worth anything will not tell you to endure the abuse as long as the good times outweigh the abuse. My guess is you didn’t disclose the abuse.

Post # 67
948 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2022 - Studio City , CA

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@strawberrysakura:   Yes! Totally Agree with all of this. 

Post # 69
1665 posts
Bumble bee

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@mrsaime: “Absolutely do NOT do counseling with this emotionally abusive man. I’m appalled at the bees even suggesting this and acting like this is just a little issue.  What’s wrong with the bees lately? This is the same man that screams at you, and called your son ugly because he was the same skin color as you.”

Um, possibly what is ‘wrong’ with us is that we were going on the basis of this one post and nowhere does it say here that the husband is regularly abusive.  If we had been told about the regular screaming and abuse of OPs son, then we would have given different advice. 

OP, if what Mrs Aime says is true, then you need to be taking steps to safeguard yourself and definitely not receive counselling together with your husband.

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