(Closed) marriage not what I was expecting? it’s just not what I thot it wud be..

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
602 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

You’re going through a big adjustment and it’s ok to need some time to adjust. It sounds like you weren’t living together before, so there’s adjusting to the new living situation that needs to happen too. Try to take deep breaths and stay calm.

 

Post # 5
Member
3709 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I think this is perfectly normal. I keep hearing that the first year of marriage is the toughest…especially if you don’t live together. I suspect that Fiance and I will have some of the same issues since we both have pretty much ruled our on roost. I think it’s just going to take hard work and compromise until you guys find your groove. 

As for the issues of the past…try not to let past insecurities seep into your relationship. Also understand that marriage doesn’t erase any issues that exist with your relationship. If anything, it magnifies them b/c now you are both under the same roof. 

Post # 6
Member
562 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Sorry about your rough times. 🙁 I think you could get a lot out of reading books about marriage. There are several books written by family and couples therapists about the first year of marriage. They talk about many of these issues. I think you would benefit from reading one of these books. I just did a quick search, and one I found was called The First Year of Marriage: What to Expect, What to Accept, and What You Can Change. I have read several books to prepare for my marriage, and I took a class about marriage when I was an undergrad. I do know that the first year of marriage is often the hardest for most couples. I know that it can be hard work, but stick with it and it can be so rewarding! 

Another book I have read that I suggest for every female (single, in a relationship, engaged, or married) is For Women Only. It is absolutely amazing! It’s all about the inner workings of men. They also have one for men called For Men Only (go figure, right?). The Fiance and I have read them and it gave us both a huge insight. I highly suggest these books too.

 

Post # 9
Member
1850 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I think that y’all need to have a conversation (when you are both calm) about acceptable fighting. I know that sounds crazy. My SO and I talked about this in the beginning of the relationship and I feel like it’s helped keep us from overstepping the line (like physical violence or under the belt comments that would be hard to get over)…or at least knowing full well that we did when it happens…which has only happened maybe twice in over 4 years. He should know that during a fight, when emotions are high, he should NOT touch you whatsoever. Not for any reason. There’s no reason to touch someone when you’re very angry unless you are attempting to calm the situation down (I know of some people who hold hands when they’re having an argument).

As far as marriage not being what you expected…I think that’s fairly common (especially for people who have never lived together). What you have to remember is that you have a wonderful guy who loves you. Just because y’all got married doesn’t mean that it’s always going to be some exciting adventure. Marriage is just the sharing of two lives, and unless y’all both had extremely exciting lives before marriage, it’s unrealistic to assume that your lives together would be. One normal, not especially exciting life + another normal, not especially exciting life is not going to = excitement. It just adds up to two people sharing a normal, not especially exciting life.

I think that what you’re feeling is completely normal. You are going through a HUGE adjustment. I remember when SO and I officially moved in together we ended up having a food fight (yes for real. He left to get some food during an argument and didn’t bring me back anything (even though he knew I was hungry and we didn’t have any food in the house) so I threw his sandwich at him. And he threw some back. Immature I KNOW. It helped us both let off some steam though) because even though we’d been practically living together for a year before then, it was a big scary step for us to take. You just took TWO BIG HUGE SCARY STEPS at once! Of course you’re freaked out! Just know that it’s normal. You did not make some huge mistake.

Maybe y’all could take more of an aggressive approach to making sure that things don’t get stale. Like doing something once a week that y’all have never done before. Take the initiative to make your lives more exciting and your marriage will reflect that.

Post # 10
Member
562 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Guys can be sooo oblivious to things that are so obvious!

Post # 11
Member
353 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Marriage doesn’t change your every day life. Dirty socks on the floor will be dirty socks on the floor after you get married too.

And moving in with someone after 10 years alone requires a huge amount of compromise and adjustment. Just remember that this is probably as hard for him as it is for you.

Why don’t you try and do something to get the romance back? Go out for a nice meal, light candles all over your house and put some music on. Go for a long walk in the park and hold hands. Do something to remind you both about why you want to spend the rest of your lives together.

Post # 12
Member
1480 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@itheewed: You obviously went through some major trauma, and don’t let anyone make you feel bad, or tell you you’re making a big deal out of nothing about being scared. I think women who haven’t experienced abuse or the threat of abuse can have a hard time empathizing with how terrifying it is, and how deeply it can affect you for a long time. I’m so sorry you went through that, and I want you to know that how you’re feeling right now is not your fault. ***HUGS***

I think going on regular date nights would really help to put that spark back in your relationship, but that shouldn’t happen until you’re absolutely ready for it. If you don’t feel like getting romantic with him yet, you don’t have to. I hope he comes to understand and respect your feelings about this, and I hope he will take some responsibility over how his actions made you feel. 

As for the post-wedding blues, I think it’s a pretty common thing. If you’re really concerned though, listen to your heart and your gut. It might help to go talk to a marriage counsellor about it, or maybe just see a therapist on your own to work through your feelings.

 

Post # 14
Member
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@itheewed: Go see a therapist. Talking through all of this with someone will do wonders.

If you are still having issues with your husband, try couples counseling too.

 

 

Post # 15
Member
2271 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Yep, marriage is no bed of roses. I have been married three time but I almost got married two other times (remember I am over half a centurey old!). Luckily, the two “almost” weddings never happened because I realized  what I really wanted was a wedding, not a marriage! Lots of issues to deal with! I am wishing you the very best of luck with your situation!

Post # 16
Member
322 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I 2nd what KatNYC2011 and Lady_Love just said.  You definitely should go see a counselor to try to get over the old abusive relationships, so that you can focus on this one.  Also, if you were thinking of another guy on your wedding day, then that may be something else to talk to a counselor about.  It will really help to get someone’s professional opinion.  🙂

IMO, marriage doesn’t really change the relationship.  You are still the same couple, but you are now joined by husband and wife.  There’s a lot of build up to the wedding, but afterwards, it’s just you and him… just like it was when you were dating and engaged.  (Of course, there may be some time to adjust for those couples who didn’t live together before they were married)

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