(Closed) Marriage or career?

posted 6 years ago in Career
  • poll: What would you focus on first?

    My career

    Marriage

  • Post # 46
    Member
    1465 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

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    skinnypinkmartini:  I don’t think that is sexist at all! And I am a proud feminist! 

    I think the feminist thing is to know how you truly feel and follow your true self. So I think you are on the right track. It doesn’t matter what other people say (well it might matter to you, doesn’t matter to me lol), what matters is that the way you feel is an authentic human experience and you will not lead yourself astray. 

    Post # 47
    Member
    172 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: June 2014 - Enoch Turner School House

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    skinnypinkmartini:  my life goals and wants have always been, marriage, house and children. I’ve gone to school and have been working because really that’s what you have to do in life, but it’s not what I want out of it! I’m not sure I will ever completely be able to just stay home with kids and not work as well, but it would definitely be what I want if we can afford to when the time comes. 

    Post # 48
    Member
    4028 posts
    Honey bee

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    skinnypinkmartini:  Wow, just wow. This article unfortunately makes it sound like men shouold charge ahead with careeers while women dote over men anxiously waiting to pick out “the one.” So, so misguided. 

    Personally, I don’t care what a woman (or person for that matter, male or female) as long as they are happy and can live with the longer term consequences of their choice. Some women only want to be wives and mothers. Fine, that’s great. But there is a risk they can become widowed, divorced and left to find a way to fend for themselves if things don’t work out. Other women prioritize their careers, have no time to date and ultimately don’t marry/have children. That’s fine too as long they don’t want a settled, nesting life down the road.

    This article inaccurately suggests that women sacrifice the career while men give their careers all they have. But that is so flawed. Think about it this way…if the women dotes and gives all her energy to her marriage while the man is giving his energy to his career…the marriage isn’t going to work, it would be too lopsided (or the woman settles for being the main emotional contributor). 

    I personally don’t see why both can’t happen on some level. I pursued my education, established myself in a career and I am pursuing it at full force. I met my husband along the way, got married at 25 and plan on having children when I am closer to 30 (guess I am “living up” to the authors ideals in some way). But I am doing this while working toward a career. I don’t have to sacrifice a career or my marriage, it’s about balance.

    I knew I wanted to get married and I know I want to be a mother, some day. But I also value my skills, my intelligence and the abilities I have to contribute to good in this world. I find personal meaning and significance by being both a spouse and a career woman. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

    Post # 49
    Member
    367 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    I choose marriage because at the end of the day, it’s the people you love in your life that really make it happy, not working in a job.

    Post # 50
    Member
    3462 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    I think both are really important. I know that getting my career off the ground will take a while just like with any profession so in the meantime I’ll be building a life with my SO and we’ll be supporting eachother as we grow.

    Post # 51
    Member
    7977 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

    I have not read the article, but increasingly then I actually think I might enjoy being a Stay-At-Home Mom and dedicating my life to unpaid charity work. Of course, I might not have a choice… jobs in my field are few and far between, childcare is prohibitively expensive here, and I want to work in the charity industry anyway.

    Sometimes I increasingly think that it might be OK for me… I know that I can support myself if I have to, but I’ve never had a real “career” and I’m getting too old to start one, really… I’ve just been an eternal student…

    Post # 52
    Member
    4426 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: December 2013

    My husband and family (we don’t have children yet) will always come first for me. He is the most important person in my life, and we’ll be crazy about our kids when they arrive one day. That being said, I value my career and my independence, as does my husband. I worked incredibly hard for all of my degrees and care greatly about my job (I’m a high school teacher). I think it is totally possible to work for yourself and your family. My job is fulfilling (though sometimes a bitch to get through) and let me tell you, I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t love it. It is a way to make a living and help support our family, which right now consists of each other and our cat. I don’t think I’ll ever be a Stay-At-Home Mom because 1) I don’t want to and need adult interaction daily and 2) we most likely couldn’t afford it (which I’m cool with). We got married this past December, when I was done with school completely and just focusing on my career. My husband knew it was important for me to be at that stage before we got engaged/married. My husband loves his work too (he is a store manager of a local business). Once those babies arrive, though, it will all be for the lifestyle we want them to grow up in. 

    Post # 53
    Member
    1019 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    Considering that spousal support is being whithered down to 1 year MAX in many places, it’s clear that society and the law is moving towards the expectancy of 100% self-sufficiency regardless whether you sacrificed your career, potential earnings, retirement savings, etc to care for your family. Society basically doesn’t give a flyin’ f why you can no longer find a well paying job and support yourself into retirement after years out of the work force, and the law is following suit. 

    As such, I would not sacrifice career for marriage, if at all possible. I need to take care of myself first, so I can continue to take care of any children I might have if my marriage goes belly up. Not to mention, I don’t want to ever be a burden on them into my old age, and divorce seems to screw women more than it does men (especially if he’s been the main breadwinner) in terms of finacial security in old age. 

    I have seen women get screwed too many times happen way too many times to be deluded into thinking the man I’m marrying in a few months will be the same man I may divorce in a few decades. It sounds cold but it’s the truth. In some cases, she’s sleeping in the bed she made. In others, she literally devoted her life to her husband and children, only to be cheated on and left with next to nothing. Sounds cliche, but it’s common and becoming even more so. 

    When you look out for yourself, you’re looking out for your future children.

    Post # 54
    Member
    121 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    Things happen in your life that makes you changed the way you feel about things. Growing up I knew I wanted to be an independent woman and that I did not want to rely on a man to support me financially. when I was little my dad was the only one who worked and my mom stayed at home and took care of my sister and I. My dad went to college at night and worked during the day while my mom took care of us. He got his degree but my mom never got a chance to further her education. There were times were they would fight, and I was pretty certain that my would have left, if it weren’t because she didn’t have any skills and felt she would not be able to make it on her own if she left. Because of this I swore to myself I would not allow myself to ever be put in that situation. So I went to college and got a degree in engineering because I wanted a good paying job. During college I met Fiance and I told him from the beginning of our relationship that school and my career were first, and the relationship came second. Well some time went by and I have become less strict on this rule. I now am willing to postponed my career if Fiance can further his. I am willing to sacrifice for him, if he gets a better opportunity than me, something I would not have been able to do a couple of years ago.

    I will, however, not throw everything in the garbage and be a stay at home mom. I am not saying there is anything wrong with people who choose this, but I have sacrificed so much for my career that I want it to mean something. My situation is a little bit different in that I don’t think I want to have children. I spoken with Fiance About it and he agrees with me. I never dreamt of been that person, of staying at home and taking care of everyone. I always dreamt of making a name for myself. 

    You have gone out and educated yourself. Your dream, however, has always been to be at home and take care of your family. I do not think there is anything wrong with that because that is what will make you happy. You are educated and are in a position where if things don’t go well you could always go back to the workforce and get a good job. Do what makes you happy and eventually, after the kids have grown, you might want to go back to work, who knows, like I said things happen in life that make you change the way you think. 

    Post # 55
    Member
    1983 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I’m wirh you! I always tell people that I should have been born in the 50s. I love the idea of being the homemaker. I hate that people think I’m dumb for not wanting a career. but having a career has never been my dream. If I have to have a job I’ll get one. But my main focus is on my family! Always has been. Always will be.

    Post # 56
    Member
    4690 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY

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    skinnypinkmartini:  What if the marriage fails? What do you have then? You can be a “perfect” wife but the fact is sometimes spouses just stop loving each other. Or get sick. Or meet someone else. Or die!

    I was always taught that first and foremost to make sure that *I” was happy and secure and taking care of myself. My marriage makes me happy but my job fulfills me by keeping me challenged and financially stable. To me that is invaluable.

    Post # 57
    Member
    1668 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2014 - Church

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    skinnypinkmartini:  I think it is a personal preference. There is nothing wrong with being career driven in the sense of being a Stay-At-Home Mom or outside of the home. If being a Stay-At-Home Mom is what would make you happy, then do it. I don’t necessarily see why there cannot be, both. However, there is nothing wrong. In fact even the opposite is true where men are SAHF and the woman is the one earning the money (in a heterosexual relationship, that is). Just be comfortable and happy with what you do and find someone who feels that way too.

    Post # 58
    Member
    453 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I chose “marriage”, because while I do think it’s important for anyone (male or female) to be able to take care of themselves, I don’t think they’re mutually exclusive. One can have a career and a husband at the same time. At the same time, if it came down to career or husband (e.g. I had to move for a job and Darling Husband was 100% against it), I would choose my husband because he is more important to me.

    I wouldn’t have married my husband if I didn’t think he would support me in whatever I wanted to do. I have never felt that being with/getting married to Darling Husband has tied me down as far as what I want to do in life– if anything, he has lifted me up, and helped me feel confident in myself when I was going through a really hard time.

    Frankly, even when kids come into the equation, we won’t have the luxury of one of us staying at home. We won’t be living hand-to-mouth, but we definitely cannot afford for one of us to be a SAHP. So, even there, he isn’t expecting me to give up my job to be a mom just like I wouldn’t expect him to give his up to be a dad. We have equal partnership and responsibility in our household and relationship.

    Post # 59
    Member
    198 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

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    NauticalDisaster: ditto!

    I clicked on this thread with the question of “why choose?” I would never sacrafice my relationship with Fiance (or future family) for my career, but I also expect Fiance to support me in my career, like I support him in his.

    The topic ‘Marriage or career?’ is closed to new replies.

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