(Closed) Marriage or relationship

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
3848 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@esplanfreedom:   In my town, we could get legally married for $25. –  at the clerk’s office.    If someone wouldn’t spend that much to have legal ties to me, I’d run.  

Post # 4
243 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Wow this was pretty thought provoking but for me, the person of my dreams would want marriage. Not that there is anything wrong with the alternitives or that marriage is ever a garuntee of no seperation, I just have always wanted my children to be born in wedlock, so that they know their parents did everything to prove they are a unit. Like I said I’m sure other people would argue me but that’s just what I believe.

Post # 5
736 posts
Busy bee

One of the things I asked FH quite early in our relationship was what his thoughts were on marriage and children.  If he had said back then that he didn’t want to get married or didn’t want to have children, then I wouldn’t have continued the relationship.  If he came to me now and said that he’s changed his mind that that he’s happy with our relationship as it is and doesn’t want to get married, then I wouldn’t leave, but it’s something that we would have to spend quite a lot of time talking about to try and find a compromise that would make us both happy.

Post # 6
2354 posts
Buzzing bee

Yes I would stay. I was the one who didn’t want to get married because of the money we would spend. My dream is to own a house, hopefully by the time I’m 30, so being a student still at 27 and struggle with savings and all because I’ve been paying all my tuitions alone for the past 9 years really didn’t help seeing a wedding as a necessity. But over time, SO and I talked about it. He would have gone without getting married, too. We just tried to look at our options, since we didn’t want to purchase a house as common-law (no legal protection whatsoever for the SO). Either way, we would have ended up with a lawyer to get a contract done, so we decided, why not have a wedding to celebrate our love ? And not just go to the courthouse or to the lawyer’s office to sign papers, this idea we both didn’t like. We thought it would also be the occasion for both our families to reunite and since we won’t have kids, we won’t have any opportunity to have this meaningful of an event. Family is very important for both of us, and we wanted to live something like that with them, and allow them to meeting each other. 

We also decided we didn’t need anything fancy to be happily married. I didn’t have to cost a lot of money. Money is still an issue, I’m not going to lie. But we’re confident we can have our 3 to 5K, DIY, meaningful dream wedding surrounded by our family. There are many ways of seeing the wedding day. One of them is : it happens once in a lifetime, it’s worth spending for. I can totally understand that, but in our case, it would mean debts since we’re students. While we want to make it special too, we have to stay grounded. To comfort our decision, we decided to see it as : the wedding is not the ultimate event in our life ; it’s only the beginning, and we want to start on the right foot, with money in our pockets and tons of ideas, projects and dreams in our heads. 

But would I stay with my SO if he didn’t want to marry ? Absolutely. I don’t think my marriage will be different from my relationship right now. We’re 100% comitted to each other already. From a legal perspective, yes there will be major changes. But from an emotional perspective, it doesn’t change what we feel about our relationship, or each other.

Post # 7
3073 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2000

@Astra:  haha, exactly.”Wedding” and “marriage” Not the same thing.

For me, I didn’t want to have children and I didn’t care if I got married.  But it was unlikely that I’d throw my lot in completely with someone without a committment. Back in those days, marriage was easier than not-marriage.

I would then, and now, expect a carefully reasoned and thoughtful view of why legal marriage wasn’t for him, a positive reason. Perhaps I would find that convincing enough to stay with him, to live with him and share money and home and hearth. Perhaps.


Post # 8
5979 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

Well considering that you can get married for $110 in my town I would probably walk away as I don’t think that is too much money. If they don’t want to have a large wedding than no, I wouldn’t walk away as long as we could still get married.

However, if someone doesn’t ever want to get married- I would not have stayed with them in the first place.

Post # 9
134 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I know that for some people – a piece of paper that says that they are married doesn’t really mean anything. I have friends who have been together 5, 10, even 15 years and don’t feel the need to get married – they know who they are to each other. A “marriage” could end in divorce as easily as a relationship could break up – there are obviously no guarantees. 

I think that there are practical purposes for getting married – tax, insurance, I have children so it’s a legal thing there too – but for people who aren’t concerned about those things and don’t see what it’s purpose is, that’s good if they both agree. 

My SO and I don’t have a ton of money – I think if we got married it’d be a family only thing at the courthouse with maybe a nice dinner at a restaurant – but that’s ok because I know what we mean to each other and I dont need a “wedding” to be happy. Some people want that – and that’s great too! So it depends on how *you* feel. 

If your honey doesnt want to get married and you do, that’s a big thing – it may be really important to you for whatever reason. 

(I used to work with a gay man in his 60s – him and his partner had been together 30+ years when civil unions in our state became legal but they never bothered – didnt see how it was worth it!)

Post # 10
1740 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Your post is confusing… which is it, he doesn’t want to spend the money on a wedding, or he doesn’t want to get married? Getting married is cheap. A wedding can be the complete opposite. If my SO wanted to get married and skip the wedding, I’d be quite happy! If he claimed he didn’t want to marry me at all because it is “too expensive”, I’d hit the ground running.

Post # 11
362 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Nah, if marriage/wedding is what I want, I won’t stay with a man that wants otherwise. The relationship is not considered to be good unless we want the same thing. I weeded out the men that just want a relationship early in the game



Post # 12
7225 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I would absolutely stay. I loved my husband so dearly that if he had never proposed, I’d still be with him. I would not break my heart (and his!) just because he didn’t want to get married, or I didn’t.

ETA: We got married JoP and it was cheap. 50 bucks for our license and 75 for our JOP (who came to our house. It would have been just the cost of the license if we got married at the courthouse.)

Post # 13
1229 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

If I wanted marriage, I wouldn’t even have someone as a partner who doesn’t want that as well.  It’s one thing to take your time, it’s another thing to say “never.”  Also, not wanting to get married because it’s too expensive is a bogus excuse, imo.  It costs about $150 here in Portland, Oregon to get married (license and judge), and I’m sure it’s even cheaper in other parts of the country.

Post # 14
1044 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@esplanfreedom:  for me, marriage is important. it’s something i wanted for myself and my life.

When I decided I no longer wanted to date and have relationships for fun and enjoyable experiences, and wanted to date for the purpose of finding a husband, i started working it into conversation on the 2nd or third date that marriage was an important goal for me in my life and that i was currently dating for the purpose of eventually finding a husband. i explained that didn’t mean i expected to be married in a month or even a year, or that the guy had to be sure he wanted to marry ME if he wanted to continue to date me — It simply ensured that i was only dating men who had marriage as a goal for themselves in the future as well. if a guy did not have the goal of marriage for his life at some point, he knew not to date me and i knew not to date him.

the system worked well — made it so i never had to choose between having the relationship with the person of my dreams and having a marriage. i never got to the point of being deeply in love and happy with someone who did not also want marriage. After dating for a few years, the love of my life and i got married because that was a common goal for us both.

My choice is BOTH and i refuse to settle for less than both.

if i hadn’t used the “strategy” that i did back in my dating years, and ended up in the unfortunate position of being in a great relationship where I deeply loved the person, but he/she did not want to get married, call me cold hearted but i would leave. I don’t believe there is only ONE PERSON on the entire planet that make a wonderful partner for me in life.

So yeah — i would not forgo an important value of mine (marriage — to be in a legally committed relationship, to have the outward facing legitimacy, to experience all of the celebration of said union and tradition that comes with a wedding, etc etc etc) that I knew I truly wanted in exchange for a truly great oving relationship. I would change my situation so there is no “exchange” and I get to have both.

Post # 15
2265 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@esplanfreedom:  I would not stay with a partner who didn’t want to marry me. I want the respect of a real commitment.  I want the holy covenant, the legal protections, the social recognition.

Playing house in perpetuity holds no appeal to me. It’s demeaning if you want a commitment. 

I also wouldn’t have much respect for a man who wanted all of the warm, fuzzy bennies of being married with none of the commitment of one.

Post # 16
754 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@esplanfreedom:  I wouldn’t stay. But I would sit down and explain my reasons. There are many legal and emotional reasons why marriage was important to me. Utimately if my SO didn’t want marriage, it would mean that many of those values that make it so important to me were at a disconnect. So to me, the marriage part would be just the top of the iceberg (so to speak) – the differing morals and values that are underneath would be my biggest concern and true deal breaker. 

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