Post # 1
Hi Bees. As the title says my marriage is over and I’m upset. Understandably I would have thought but my husband/ex-husband seems to be a-okay about the whole thing. We got married this summer. Less than six months ago.
A bit of background to our relationship, we were a couple for 8 years but he broke it off, just walked out and I didn’t know what was going on. A few weeks later he came back to finish things properly. We stayed friends, very close friends, and after nearly two years I got pregnant with our little girl. We got back together without really discussing it and moved into a new home. We had been engaged when we split and I wanted us to get married but he wasn’t really into it. He changed his mind very suddenly and I’ve always wondered why but he’s never given me a proper answer. Just ‘we were getting on better’. Anyway we did get married and you know the way people say getting married doesn’t change anything? Well it’s really very true. He still doesn’t want us to be together even though we are married. He regularly wants to split up, I honestly thought though that with him finally saying he wanted to get married that it meant he was over all that but no. Apparently not.
I know it’s the best thing that we not be together but I’m still upset over the marriage imploding before we’ve even had a half-anniversary. And we’re still living in the same house so I get to watch him not being upset which makes me feel terrible. I’m not a horrible person, I don’t want him to be wallowing in misery it’s just crap to see that he can just carry on and be fine, it’s like he never felt very much for me at all. We never should have gotten back together when I was pregnant. I think that because he walked out on me that first time he knows that he can always do that, it seems to be easy for him. He knows he can just up and leave and he’ll be okay. Every morning he kisses our daughter goodbye.
Does anyone have any advice for getting over the end of a relationship even when you know deep down it’s for the best but you’re still hurting over the fact that someone who a couple of months ago agreed to spend the rest of their life with you can just check out so quickly and easily?
Post # 2
I’m so sorry to hear that you are going through this. Unfortunately, I don’t have any advice on coping. However, I want you to know that men and women cope with break ups very differently. He may seem like he is going on with life just fine, but men internalize their emotional turbulence. He may seem fine for weeks before he visably breaks down. And he may never visably break down at all – he may just keep it inside. Process the loss of your relationship however is best for you – and try your best not to think about him being fine. Maybe he is acting so your daughter doesn’t get upset. Just do your best to cope and get back into the swing of things. Be strong!
Post # 3
marryinginmalta: I am so sorry you are going through this. You just have to go through the motions, its a grieving process.
I would be hurt too to see someone I care about move on from a relationship like it was nothing. I went through this with a friendship that has ended. It sucks. I am still mourning over it, but over time it has gotten easier. THe only time it hurts is when I see something that reminds me of her.
You are still living with him so that will make it more difficult to get over-do you plan to still live together or willl one of you move out? Living together will not make moving on from this any easier. As time goes on, things will get easier, but right now, it won’t bc you are seeing him everyday.
Again, I am sorry you are going through this.
Post # 4
Step one is to separate. Are you & your daughter going to stay in the house? You’ll never be able to move on while you’re living together. Have you spoken to an attorney? I think you need to be sure you & your daughter are protected from this guy.
Have you considered counseling? Once you aren’t living under the same roof, I’d suggest limiting contact with him to essential discussions about your daughter only.
Post # 5
marryinginmalta: It sounds like he has done this before. The reason he probably isn’t upset is because he thinks he can take you back any time he pleases.
If I were you, I wouldn’t put up with his crap anymore. When he comes crawling back (like he probably will), and you turn him down instead of welcoming him with open arms, then you’ll see him realize the true consequences of his actions.
Post # 6
marryinginmalta: Move out. Only communicate with him about your daughter and only when necessary. He shouldn’t get to witness your hurt, he doesn’t get that side of you anymore. This will help you focus on you and moving forward and it keeps your daughters Father in her life with causing you unncessary strain. Your situation sucks and having him being around and cheery won’t help you at all.
Post # 7
I am so sorry to hear about this 🙁
As PPs hae said, moving out (or him doing so) would be the first step. It will be much easier when you do not see him every-day and you will be less tempted to ask him to work on the relationship again or get upset whenever you see him. Next, allow yourself time and patience to get over this. It won’t be easy, but it will get better in time.
Sending you positive vibes ***hugs***
Post # 8
What a sad situation and I’m sorry. The only advice I can give is to be strong and to be the best person you can be. Take it on as a challenge like you’re an actress rehearsing her role. Shine as bright as you can, look happy, busy and fulfilled. He will see the change in you and question his stupidity but the bonus is that you will heal faster for yourself.
Post # 9
So sorry to read this. What an awful thing to happen to you. I hope you find the strength you need to get through this tough time!! hugs to you.
Post # 10
marryinginmalta: by realizing you deserve better and more.
harsh, but it seems that he was just not that into you. People don’t walk out on their life partners unless they know that they can live without them.
Then you stayed friends. Friends who got pregnant together. Power to you, but he’s probably not going to treat you like you deserve if you are a friend.
A friend who he then married. He hasnt seemed upstanding so far, so there’s no reason to think he will suddenly feel life partner love vs friend love. So it seems like he can move on bc he was never invested.
This is 100% not your fault but a very unfortunate circumstance. understanding why this happened is the key to preventing it from happening again.
You deserve better and more. Better and more.
Post # 11
Thank you all for your kind words and good suggestions. We haven’t told anyone yet. He has gone to a married friends house without his wedding ring though and there’s really no chance his wife didn’t notice. The next day her Facebook feed was full of ‘happy family’ pics. FFS, he could’ve just forgotton his ring.
@Daizy914: It’s all still a bit raw, no formal plans are in place. We are still undecided about whether or not we should live in different houses. I do know it makes sense and you are all right that living togther will make the process harder but he gets angry about not living in the same house as our daughter. He thinks he will miss out on things. That’s why I’m trying to suck it up at the moment and continue living under the same roof. I’m glad she has a father who is around and determined to be there for her but I do wish he showed even some passion about leaving me.
@sassy411: I have considered counselling. It’s odd, I started going to counselling in January because he ‘left’ me over Christmas last. When we split this time I announced that I was going to finish going because things had started to circle and we didn’t have anything new to discuss. He said that surely we did have something new to discuss, the break up but I told him that that wasn’t new. We break up regularly. The only thing that’s different this time is the fact that we have a marriage certificate in our safe. My counseller was happy to finish things, she said people usually only stay for 6 or 12 weeks! I’d been going for 8 months!
@MechEBee: You’re damn right and I know it. Every so often I do remind myself of this to try to strengthen my resolve and I dress nicely and put on my make-up in a kind of a ‘I’m not gonna fall to pieces over you’ way but I have a problem in general with letting people walk all over me, not just him.
@vdaybee214: I know what you say is true, in fact he did once say it was hard for him too. If he is hiding it he’s doing a super awesome job! Maybe because I wanted to get married more than him it feels like it’s affecting me more. It’s like he didn’t want to get married so he was more tan happy to throw in the towel as soon as he got the chance. All I know is I am not willing to be the only one to work on the relationship. I, fortunately, have a shred of dignity left.
@MstoMrsH: I do my best to not let him see or hear. I manage it most of the time. Moving out is something we acknowledge we may have to do. We’ve said we need to talk about practicalities but we haven’t actually done it yet. I think we should arrange for a babysitter some night and thrash it out then with no interruptions. Luckily we rent so there is no issue with a jointly owned house.
Post # 12
marryinginmalta: I’m so sorry you’re going through this!
Being in the same house after a break up is brutal. I agree with PP that he’s not emotional because I’m sorry to say, you are so kind and sweet that you are catering to his every whim. The deal is that living in the same house isn’t good for you, or your daughter, if you all are not together. The strain will be felt by her. The only person this is working for is Mr have his cake and eat it too.
He doesn’t get everything his way. Part of being a grown up and a parent is putting the child first and hes not doing that. He’s putting himself first.
I know this is painful, but it’s time to out your little girls needs for stability and honesty first. He will have to find a way to deal with his choice to separate. He really sounds selfish, I’m sorry to say.
Good luck, bee, it gets better.
Post # 13
Sorry, it took me so long to reply that a few more responses came in while I was writing. I want to reply to everyone because I think it makes sense to thank everyone personally.
@OmbreBee: First of all thank you for the hugs. I said in my other reply (but it wasn’t up yet when you posted) that I don’t want to be the only one to work on the relationship. That’s one thing I’ve told myself, if we were to give it another go he’d have to work really hard on convincing me that he won’t leave again and 1) I really don’t think he’d be up for bothering and 2) once bitten, twice shy. He’s already left so many times that it feels like we’re one of those stupid ‘will-they,won’t-they’ couples from a sitcom.
@beeanonymous: that is a unique idea! I will certainly give that a go. ‘Fake it til you make it’
@msmorganitebee: Thank you for the kind words and support. I don’t have a lot of friends nearby for a hug.
@bitsybee: Nail on the head! That is how it feels. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. Like he wants the family (he’s long wanted a child) but he also wants to be a single man. No I’m not going to cling to him and beg “Please don’t go” What would be the point? To give him an ego boost for a few weeks or months til he decides he’d like to leave again? She’s too young at the moment but very soon our daughter will be able to notice this and Hell if I’m gonna set such a crappy example for her. I did think that him sayin yeah, let’s get married meant he was ready to stop this bullcrap but obviously not.
Beautiful Bees my girl is waking up from her nap now so I might not be able to respond again for a bit but I really do appreciate everyones words and support. I have a question I’d like to throw out there too, see what everyone thinks. What should I do with my rings? Part of me would like to wear them (some divorcees do) and part of me wonders if that is a bit like clinging onto a dead relationship? Not able to let him go? I don’t know. Btw, I picked out my own engagement ring. I saw it online when I was looking for an engagement gift for someone else and I showed him and asked if we could get it. So I really like the ring, but it symbolises a marriage that never should’ve happened. I could wear it as a RHR of course. If he demands I sell the rings and we split the money is it okay to laugh in his face? Not literally maybe but tell him that I want to keep them. I’d buy him out if necessary. I just think that it’s different to a broken engagement. We did get married so surely I should be able to keep my rings?
Post # 14
*hug* Just learn from this situation and be tender with yourself right now.
Moving out and going no contact would help you a great deal.
You and your ex do not need to speak unless it pertains to your daughter.
He may try to get back with you again but don’t give him that chance.
Post # 15
marryinginmalta: I swear I have walked in your shoes. The first thing you should do is to have a total separation…someone needs to work on finding somewhere else to live. You cannot heal properly being in the same house. Plus, you don’t want him to think he can ‘drop’ you and yet have all the benefits of you being there…no bueno.
Secondly, he sounds manipulative. But, this is something you only get over with time and boundaries. Do not let him suck you back in. I always say that people rarely change. Let it be all about your daughter…cut out the heartfelt emotional conversations. Fake it till you make it in letting him go. He feels you will always be available and always there. Do not focus on his reactions. It doesn’t matter at this point. Get out of his head and stay in yours. Girl, I can write a novel. It WILL get better (and I was pregnant WITH a 6 month old when I left).