(Closed) Marriage plateau…is this it?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
7716 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I am so sorry you’re dealing with this. I am a little confused about the timeline of events though. Are you saying that you had these intense discussions about what’s wrong in your marriage, then had that wonderful day together playing in the snow etc., and then AFTER that is when he was texting his friend saying he thinks it’s over, and possibly admitting to cheating on you etc.? 

If so that is very bad, bee. I would confront him about what you saw. If he’s cheating, i don’t even know – that would probably be a dealbreaker to me. If you want to try to make this work, I think counseling is a must…without it I don’t see how you repair the damage, esp since he pretends that things are back on track with you, only to then go behind your back and tell his friend he’s given up on the marriage. And that’s not even getting into the cheating part. How do you ever trust someone like that again?

Reading between the lines, it sounds like this might be a case of getting married too young, without knowing each other properly before, and just being fundamentally incompatible. I am really sorry bee.

Post # 4
Member
9129 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

I’d go full Nancy Drew on him and snoop.  If he is cheating and you confront him now without evidence, he’ll just deny it and take it underground.  Even the stuff you KNOW is bad, so I would feel totally justified, personally.

Once you can figure that out, and if he’s not cheating, couples counseling is a must!

Sorry Bee 🙁

Post # 5
Member
10069 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

I’m going to be honest, i’m all for opposite sex friends but I think him going out alone with a girl he has already admitted to having a crush on while you are having marriage problems is asking for trouble.

I think you should pitch couples counseling but I fear he’s already checked out.

Post # 6
Member
6832 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

Scorpio88 :  “I should say he is a good guy, we’ve only gotten physical once, and we both realized that was horrible on our parts.”

What does this mean? You’ve physically assaulted each other? That is nowhere near okay. Not even once. 

Post # 7
Member
9638 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

He admitted he has a crush on the girl he’s going to a concert with alone?

Sorry bee…I’d be snooping. My bet is he’s already having an emotional affair if it’s not physical yet.

Post # 8
Member
7716 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Scorpio88 :  Thanks for clarifying about the timeline. Ok, a few more thoughts. First it sounds like you are trying to justify the fact that he has a crush on someone else and also told his friend he prefers hanging out with this girl to you. Here are two quotes from your posts:

“That he would rather spend time with friends at work then with me (primarily girls who he admitted to me the other month he had a crush on and emotional connection with). Btw, this girl is now recently single and tonight he was going to go to a concert alone with her….”

followed by:

“He says she’s just a friend now, and he doesn’t have feelings for her. That crushes are normal especially during hard times.”

So which is it? He told his friend mere days ago that he has an emotional connection and a crush on this girl and woudl rather spend time with her than you. And then presumably he told you she’s “just a friend” and he “doesn’t have feelings for her”? Sorry bee but I would believe what he told his friend. Also, did you actually confront him about what you saw in the text?

And then his line:

“I’m so anxious and depressed now because I feel like I have to be perfect otherwise it will be over.”

No no no no. That is not how it works. Your husband is the one going behind your back and telling his best friend he has checked out of the relationship, has crushes and “emotional connections” with other women whose company he enjoys more than yours….and you feel like you have to be perfect for HIM?

What about him shaping up for you? At the minimum, by not betraying you to his best friend, and not only crushing on other women, but actively seeking out the company of other women whom he is attracted to, while shit is crumbling in your marriage?

Bee, you deserve more than this. Marriage is not some kind of trial where you constantly have to prove yourself. That is such an unhealthy mindset. Both people need to be pulling their weight, and your husband is letting you down big time, and yet you’re worried about being perfect for him. 

I think marriage counseling is an absolute must if you want to have any hope of salvaging things. Right now you’re laser-focused on proving yourself worthy of him so he won’t leave you, but when the dust settles (if it settles), all your doubts and mistrust of him will come crashing back, and how are you going to cope with that?

Post # 9
Member
551 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. This sounds like a true rough patch, but I think that you can get through this is if you are both committed to focusing on your marriage. It sounds like something has to give. I think individual counseling is a great first step, followed by couples counseling.

Then…I think you both need to make sacrifices. Do you truly need 3 jobs or is this something you simply did because of the loneliness? If you don’t need them, try cutting back hours or cutting down to 1 or 2 of these jobs. He should definitely not be going out with this coworker who he has admitted to having (had?) a crush on. If he gives you push back on that one I think you have bigger problems.

And finally I think you need to commit to spending more time together truly working on your relationship – date nights, etc. You said you’ve been through a lot this year and between that and everything else going on in your lives it just doesn’t sound like your relationship has been a focus. It’s true what they say, relationships take work. It sounds like so far neither one of you has been putting in any and you’re just expecting for your relationship to stay in a good place. I think you’ve both now realized that things don’t work that way, so hopefully you’re able to work through this.

Best of luck to you.

Post # 10
Member
3903 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

Scorpio88 :  Did I read this correctly? You said you have been intimate once? In a year and a half?  😨

Post # 11
Member
5154 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

To me, there are a lot of red flags here. A fight got physical – this is NOT ok – also screams to me that you’re both super immature (and abusive) to actually be in a healthy marriage. He talked to a friend about cheating on you – UH, why wouldnt you leave right away? He’s going to a concert ALONE w/another woman he already said he had a crush on? OH, HELL NO. 

Sorry but I’d be out of there so quickly. This sounds like the abuse cycle – you had a couple good days so you think everything will be fine, but it WONT. He wants to CHEAT ON YOU “after the holidays”. Run, girl, run!

Post # 12
Member
3903 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

llevinso :  I though she meant they got physical.. like sex… ONCE? 😨

Post # 13
Member
5154 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

ana2017 :  “I should say he is a good guy, we’ve only gotten physical once, and we both realized that was horrible on our parts.”

I took it as a physical altercation as well… not sex. 

Post # 14
Member
3903 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

weatherbug :  hmm maybe.  that’s really unhealthy 🙁

Post # 15
Member
308 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I don’t think you’ve hit a plateau, physical assault / screaming matches aren’t plateau, they’re actual bad times. I recommend if you wanna save your marriage to seek therapy but also to try the “7 principles of marriage” book by John Gottman. 

We’ve used it, although my husband and I don’t have your issues at all, but we have been very preventative in our approach to marriage,  all throughout our relationship knowingly fixing issues as they arise and being conscious of them and keeping in mind that the best time to work on communication is when things are going well. And so as someone with an education and an interest in psychology I’d highly recommend Gottman’s book. a lot of parts didn’t apply to us, but they’d definitely apply to marriages like yours. 

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