- 3 years ago
- Wedding: May 2015
It should be the best time of the year. It used to be my favourite. Now I just don’t even care about the holidays. I struggle to get out of bed some days (I work from home most of the time) and find myself not caring about work anymore either.
This is going to be very long, so thank-you to anyone who gets through it.
I just want somewhere to chat bees. I feel so alone. Darling Husband and I got married in May 2015, so we’ve been married a little over a year and a half now. We’ve been together for 7.5 years, he is mid 20s, I am late 20s (2.5 year age difference).
Our wedding day was literally perfect, and we flew out to Europe on our honeymoon the next morning. Dream wedding, dream honeymoon. Our honeymoon is where it started I guess… we missed our first flight in Europe (not technically our fault but long story), and arguments started there, and stayed until our last country. One minute it was a blast we were newlyweds, the next I was arguing and yelling at my new husband and things were said that were instantly regretted.
We never lived together prior to marriage (not due to to religious reasons, rather financially). Ever since we met, he was the one that was pushing to get married. I originally never wanted to, but slowly changed my mind.
Our first 1.5 years of marriage has been…well… a disaster to put it lightly. Sure we had some great times, but most of the trips we took have ended in arguments, little things have sparked yelling and throwing of wedding rings around. He started a new job after we got home from our honeymoon, and ever since, he’s started hanging out with work friends a lot. Probably 75% them, 25% me. So I started working more. Picked up more jobs (I have 3 now).
We’ve both changed a lot as people I guess and it kills me inside. He’s taken up pot (something I told him a long time ago was a dealbreaker).
The other day we had a fine day, but I just felt like something was off. I was moving his phone, and saw (it popped up) a message from his friend about cheating on me. I went to open it and read it but stopped because it wasn’t my place. What I did see was Darling Husband saying he doesn’t feel anything with me anymore, like we’re just friends/roommates.
That he would rather spend time with friends at work then with me (primarily girls who he admitted to me the other month he had a crush on and emotional connection with). Btw, this girl is now recently single and tonight he was going to go to a concert alone with her….
His friend suggested he cheats on me… yeah. This by the way was his best man who told us we were “perfect” for each other. The one who is currently lying to his own girlfriend about things but that’s not my place. Darling Husband said he was going to “Get through the holidays” and see what to do then. His friend said if he has trouble ending the relationship, come to him…
Long story short, I confronted him about my feelings lately. We talked for 3 hours. This was Sunday night, so just a few days ago. That day, we had one of the best days we had had in a long time. We acted like kids, had a snowball fight, made cookies…stupid things like that. What we used to do.
He basically said everything that’s happened in the past year and so has changed, and I was right, we were too young to get married (24 and 26). He gave up on the marriage a long time ago. He said he wants me to be home more (which is fair, I do work a lot but it’s due to feeling so lonely in part). We’ve talked about this in the past and said we’d change things (about 5 times) and while little things change, big things don’t.
This talk was a bit different….we both admitted things we never have. It sucks because I was ready to give up on us many times in the past, but in the past year, I’ve wanted to be married to him more then anything, even though it’s a ridiculous marriage sometimes. A lot of bad things happened since we got married (job loss, deaths, etc.) that have pulled us apart even more.
I should say he is a good guy, we’ve only gotten physical once, and we both realized that was horrible on our parts. Our families love the other one (that I know of haha). On paper, we look like the “perfect” couple. When I confided in a few people about things going on, they were shocked.
Anyway, back to Sunday.. we spoke about a lot of stuff. He said he wasn’t sure what to do anymore. If anyone’s seen How I Met Your Mother, think of Barney and Robin. That’s us. I’ve always been a career oriented woman, and he’s always just gone with the flow. We both agree we hit a huge plateau in our marriage.
We both said we WANT the marriage to work, we love each other… but can’t see a future. After talking, we said we’d take it slow and see what happens. We talked about things we never talked about and at the end he said our beach house (a goal we always wanted together) was a bit clearer now.
The next day when he got home from work, he gave me a big hug, asked me how my day was (something we promised in our vows to do, and never followed through on) and said he’s sorry for being a shitty husband. The past few days have been fine, we talked about childhood things for 2 hours last night just lying in bed….
So if you’ve gotten through all that, here’s where I am today. Bees, I guess I never really thought he was serious about wanting an out until Sunday. It’s one thing to say it to a spouse when you’re mad, but it’s another to confide in a friend when you had a “fine” day with your spouse and no fights.
I also don’t know what to believe anymore. Is he really being honest or was that a way to “get through the holidays” and then in January he just decides there’s nothing left anymore?
I have been sleeping more, going to bed earlier, I am sitting here mid morning in pajamas just crying, alone. I don’t know. I miss the moments when we were dating and even engaged where we had so much to talk about. Sometimes I feel like I have to keep a conversation going otherwise he’ll get bored of me. We typically eat dinner on the couch together and watch Netflix or a movie. He always says lately that “friends could do that or rommates could do that.”
I’ve been very unhappy in my career field (I chose the wrong field), and want to go back to school next year. I was just starting to feel happy again and then this happened.
We did pre-marital counselling about 5 months before our wedding, which helped SLIGHTLY, but kinda disappeared. I just booked an appointment for myself alone tomorrow afternoon. I’m just so depressed. I want a future with him but I don’t want to be the only one..
Sorry for rambling..I just don’t know what to do. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? How do you spark a fire in the marriage again?