Post # 17
I can’t tell you how much I appreciated your words because I could have written your post. Of course, there are some things that apply more to him (lack of sex drive and resentment) but this is us. We didn’t have an ironclad marriage before but we were in it to win it, so now this is even more jarring. My DH is a score-keeper and the thing that really sucks is I don’t think he realizes what it’s like to be home full-time with the baby. I’m a teacher and off for the summer, but it’s not a vacation at all. I think the hardest thing is that I just MISS my husband. I want to do things as a family when he comes home at night or the weekends but he is so stressed and exhausted at work that we just end up arguing. Thank you so very much for helping me realize that there is hope on the other side.
Post # 17
I am so sorry you’re going through this. Know that you are not alone! My husband and I never struggled before, and didn’t really understand why people said marriage took work. Pre-kid, there were very few issues we needed to work out. Post-kid was another story. We have had to work HARD to stay on the same page with each other. Things were harder in the first 10 months or so after baby was born (while I was still breastfeeding – I think those two things were related for me).
Through a LOT of work, talk, hard conversations, we have gotten so much better at communicating. Things do get better over time (you get more sleep, hormones regulate, you start worrying less about your kid), but I don’t think time is enough. I also don’t think enough people talk about this. It’s better to address the cracks at the first sign rather than hoping they go away. I find this time to be critical in making sure we are a true partnership.
Really, before having a kid, we were good together because we didn’t really rely on each other much, so we could be these little self-sufficient orbits kind of overlapping but never needing each other. After having a baby, we are now one solar system and every action of one directly impacts the other. It has taken awhile for us to get comfortable with those new roles, to move away from resentment and score keeping, and to communicate in a way that enforces we are on the same team.
All I can tell you is that you are not alone, that this time does pass, that it’s worth it to put in the work now, especially if you think you have something good to salvage, and that it’s very, very hard but worth it.
Post # 18
Thank you for sharing your story and for your sweet words of assurance. I agree that it’s not just something that will fix itself and I think we are both willing to put in the work, it just feels hopeless right now.
I really appreciated your metaphor of you and your DH being on your own orbit pre-baby and an entire solar system post-baby. You really articulate I think what we are struggling with the most. He and I are both older (39 and 40) and were incredibly self-reliant pre-baby. I know that I struggle with not being able to do it all on my own and he struggles with all of the togetherness that parenting entails.
Post # 19
Just coming in with a virtual hug bee
Post # 20
You have no idea how much this helps ☺️