Post # 1
- Wedding: Las Vegas, Nevada
looking for some advice. My husband and I have been together for 12 years, married for almost 3 and we have a 2 year old daughter.
It seems as of lately all we do it bicker. I honestly don’t remember when we have had a normal conversation where one of us isn’t snarky or short with one another.
We have both had an extremely stressful few months at work and our 2 year old is wild but there’s no real excuse for the way we are treating each other. We both acknowledge it and we try to improve but we keep taking our crap out on each other – I know, very mature.
How do we reset? Get back to our normal, loving each other selves? Is this normal to go through a “I want to strangle you if you even look in my direction” phase?
Tell me this is normal LOL
Post # 2
- Wedding: September 2019 - City, State
You said it yourself you both have been extremely stressed out lately. When people get stressed out they take it out on the people that they are closest to. Well bingo. Your both are going to take it out on eachother. Is it normal I think so. Everyone has stress there is no denying that. In order to press the reset button you both have to get rid of the stress at the same time to be on the same page. It’s harder when two people have the stress going on then one person. Try and sit down and talk and see what is bothering both of you, is it work, family life, money etc. Take it from there and see where it goes. But talking is key.
Post # 3
If you’re both acknowledging the problem, then you have to do at least two things:
1. Figure out the root of the stress and figure out how to mitigate it. (This is probably what anyone should do whenever they’re going through a stressful period, married or not.)
2. Actually come up with practical solutions you can put into place in order to curb bad behavior. You say that you both admit you’re being jerks to each other, but what are you doing to actively stop the annoyed/cruel/angry/etc. behavior when it’s about to pop out? Acknowledging the problem is only the first step; you have to find solutions for the behavior. Leave the room, tell your spouse that you’re about to blow and you both have to take some quiet time, whatever. But you have to find solutions and USE them consistently.
A third option: I assume this is more difficult to put into action, but maybe try: Can you two plan regular-ish date nights? No phones, no work talk, no kid talk allowed? Or a weekend getaway every few months, even to somewhere local?
P.S. Everyone will tell you to get counseling, but I don’t always think that’s the easiest solution to everyone’s problems. That’s MORE time and money and potential stress. Go for it if you want, but there are things you can put into place immediately.
Post # 4
Both admitting something is going on is the step in the right direction. Putting one guard down and becoming less stubborn takes baby steps. After being together so long and w a new baby you are finding yourselves again. Time to start taking the weeds out the garden and do some spring cleaning on the relationship. Baby steps
Post # 5
- Wedding: June 2019 - City, State
counseling! Works wonders
Post # 6
I wish there was magical button to reset marriage. It’s good that you both acknowledge that you two can be better to each other. Stress in life comes and goes with more things to balance as the years go on. Learning tools to deal with stress is key. Counseling can definitely help with that. Open Communication is so important and I admit it’s not my strong suit but thankfully my husband is very good at it and he’s been super patient with me and very persistent.
We’ve gone through some rough patches and humor seems to help us. He now uses a phrase, “do you like me more, or do you like me less right now?” just to break the ice that I can throw up when I’m upset. I can at least answer him and decide how to best approach a situation.
So definitely talk it out. Seek that counseling, take a vacation without baby and refocus on yourselves, if just for the weekend. It can get better if you’re on the same page of making it work and realizing, “this too shall pass.”
Relationships of any kind require work. It will get worse before it gets better, but it can get better when you make it and each other a priority. Good luck bee.
Post # 7
It’s really normal, sweetie. And you WILL get back on track. I have the same issue. I have 16 month old twins and sometimes it seems like all hubby and I do is fight, it sucks. I always think it’s because you have to have so much patience with work, kids, life, then you just lose it with your partner because you ‘can’. Keep acknowledging it and keep talking about ways to make it better. We didn’t have counselling, but I spoke to counsellor for advice and she said to find 15 minutes each day to tell each other what youve appreciated from them that day and acknowledge a positive thing that’s happened/happening.
Post # 8
I really feel for you. Have you ready anything by John Gottman? His books really resonate with me and help my husband and I speak kindly to each other even during times of stress. Small steps (apologizing during a fight, taking a moment to do something kind for the other person, etc) do wonders to break the pattern and “reset” the tone. Kidnness begets kindness too and makes it easier to continue treating each other well.
If you need something bigger, time away (weekend to yourselves, dates) or counseling are key. I find just going to lunch with my husband can change our interaction for days.
Hugs and good luck!
Post # 9
- Wedding: Las Vegas, Nevada
thanks for the advice everyone 🙂
Post # 10
First of all, this is a stressful time in your life so cut yourselves some slack. But also, kudos to both of you for recognizing that this isn’t your normal and looking ofr help. That is huge! As for what you can do, you should do things seperate and together. I know when I get stressed, the best thing for me is to get in a good workout. Whatever helps you relieve stress – working out, yoga, meditation, a walk – ask for the time to do that by yourself. Then have your husband do the same. So if you need to workout and he needs to take a walk, get in your workout and then come home and take care of your daughter while he goes for a walk. Trade off so you each get to blow off some steam. Then recognize when you are starting to say bad things to eachother and either take a time out or try to stop yourselves. Hold eachother accountable, if you say something snarky have him tell you that’s not cool. You guys will get there! Good luck!!
Post # 11
I’ve found that, after having a baby, you remember to come back to the essentials of life – you need to eat something, hydrate yourself, clean yourself and get some rest- that’s it, for a long time. If you and your husband are both under stress (and taking care of a toddler), you’re probably exhausted, dehydrated more often than you should be, and pushing through the days when what your bodies (and your minds and your relationship) need is more rest and down time.
Counseling can help, maybe, but committing to more quiet connection and spaciousness can as well. Take more naps together, clean together (but only do what you can do in 20 minutes and then leave the rest until later), stay in bed together longer on the weekends and let the baby play with toys on the floor in your room. Make your life smaller for a while and only take care of the most essential things. Then, as the two of you start to recharge, you can expand your focus.
It will be much easier to talk and listen in a loving and nurturing way when you aren’t wound up with stress and nerves and exhaustion.
Post # 12
What are your love languages?
My husband’s love language is physical touch, so whenever our sex life is lacking, he gets short with me. (I don’t think he realizes this or does it on purpose, but I notice a change) Whenever our relationship is in a rut, prioritizing physical time brings us closer together.
Also, as a mom of two under two, make sure to prioritize yourself as well. I’m a much better mom and wife when I make time to do things that make me happy. (going to the gym, getting my nails done, etc)
Post # 13
My fiance and I are going through the same thing right now (we’re getting married next Saturday and it’s eating at us). We are going to sit down tonight and try to talk through it. We love each other so much, but we both just feel a bit unheard. Hopefulyl we both listen well tonight and get things well off our chests.
Post # 14
- Wedding: Las Vegas, Nevada
great suggestion. I never thought to consider our love languages. Mine is words of affirmation and his is acts of service.