Marriage scares him. Should I give up?

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
242 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: City, State

You said no one is getting married anytime soon. He is being up-front and honest about his feelings. It’s natural for him to be scared of changing his entire lifestyle, but it sounds like you want the same thing long-term.

Unless your timeline changes, I would give it time.

Post # 3
Member
165 posts
Blushing bee

How old are you guys?  A huge part of relationships is timing. If he’s still in the stage of living like a single guy who wants to move around with no attachments then he may resent being pushed to marry at this point. He has to be ready to make that commitment knowing it means giving up his current lifestyle. Likewise, if you want a man who is more stable and doesn’t want to move around a lot, then he just might not be it. 

Ultimatley if you want to work it out, you have to talk to him. Has he told you he wants marriage soon?  Or does he see it as something way down the line?

Post # 4
Member
3266 posts
Sugar bee

I guess I would give it time and let him adjust to the idea slowly since you guys are not in a rush to get married. It takes time to process huge lifestyle changes.

Continue talking, be understanding and respectful of each other’s concerns and hestitations, and patient as you both adjust to what your new life will look like. Sounds like you’re both on the same page, so keep the lines of communication open.

Post # 7
Member
2688 posts
Sugar bee

View original reply
lostbee24 :  So you’ve only known each other 4 or 5 months at the moment? 

Post # 8
Member
475 posts
Helper bee

If there’s a big part of him that never wants to settle down in one place, and he’s fiercely independent, and traveling all the time, he might grow to resent you/marriage even if he chooses to do so becasue he wants kids.  That he is scared of changing his lifestyle means he isn’t anywhere near ready to do so.  Nothing about his history shows him to be someone who wants to settle in one place and develpo a stable work history and an actual home to bring children into.  He might want kids someday, but not enough to do the things he has to do in order to raise a family.

Post # 10
Member
11373 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
lostbee24 :  

Thirty one is not exactly a kid anymore. If he were the twenty four year old, it might be different.  By now, he is committed to his lifestyle.  If you do succeed in winning him over, he may ultimately get restless and resentful at being tied down.

Make sure you’re really hearing him as you go forward, not just what you want to hear.

Post # 11
Member
914 posts
Busy bee

Try searching online “marriage preparatory course”. I downloaded something which has a series of “tests” which help to direct discussion during engagement period and we are also doing extra prep discussion using the book “Rules of Engagement”. It has affirmed us quite a bit since the one moment of uncertainty we had about getting married about 10 days ago.. we realise that communication is the key to relationship so we do spend quite a lot of time talking things through. Wasn’t natural for my fiancé but after 2.5 years of us together, he’s getting used to it a bit more.

Initially my fiancé wasn’t sure marriage is for him. Eventually he decided he wants to. I was ever ready to leave because marriage is a deal-breaker and he’s aware of it when we were just friends. So he knew what he was signing up for before we started dating. Last night we did exercise on active listening. And we discussed about how we feel about wedding plans. It affirmed we do still want to be married to each other in future.

That’s why I’d strongly encourage you and him to try talking about everything. Since it’s an arranged marriage setting,, u can be even more open about what you want and desire. If after taking time to discuss everything about marriage doesn’t reassure your partner, you might need to consider the whole deal again. Seriously… Bonsai and free accommodation can’t feed the family and future children.

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