Post # 1
I have been going through the other questions here but I’m guessing my scenario is going to be significantly different so please bear with the slightly long post.
SO and I come from a culture where arranged marriages are quite the norm. Neither of us have been forced into it. On the contrary, I saw his (not unlike an online dating app) profile and messaged him on facebook to just say hi, and we hit it off.
To be totally honest, he is the complete opposite of the type of guys I have dated upto this point in my life and if I had met him IRL I might not have considered dating him at all but something about him made me put aside the more superficial things on my unwritten checklist (like good grammar, an identical sense of humour etc) and so what I got in exchange was a kind and thoughtful man who has experienced and grown a lot in life, and is very supportive and non-judgemental of who I am. He makes me feel secure emotionally and even though he works in a different city, travels to mine every weekend to meet me. or suprise me at work.
I knew within the first month that this is the man I would marry. He tells me that he feels the exact same way. That I am the complete opposite of his type up to now but he is sure about me. However, he says he is really scared by the idea of marriage. He is a fiercely independent man and not someone who has ever been tied down to one place or job. He has lived in multiple places, moved around across continents and taken slightly lesser paying jobs if it meant that he would be living in a brand new country that he hadn’t experienced before. This obviously has my parents worried as well.
He understands that some of these freedoms would be curtailed after marriage, and that has been scaring him. The thing is, I know he wants to be married and have kids and he is old school enough (like me!) to not consider any other way to go about this. I just don’t know if I should wait for him to figure this out, nudge him into committing, or just give up on something that could turn out to be so good.
P.S. No one is getting married any time soon. Both of us have time to decide on this. It’s just a discussion that has been on the table from the very beginning since we met in an arranged marriage setting.
Post # 2
You said no one is getting married anytime soon. He is being up-front and honest about his feelings. It’s natural for him to be scared of changing his entire lifestyle, but it sounds like you want the same thing long-term.
Unless your timeline changes, I would give it time.
Post # 3
How old are you guys? A huge part of relationships is timing. If he’s still in the stage of living like a single guy who wants to move around with no attachments then he may resent being pushed to marry at this point. He has to be ready to make that commitment knowing it means giving up his current lifestyle. Likewise, if you want a man who is more stable and doesn’t want to move around a lot, then he just might not be it.
Ultimatley if you want to work it out, you have to talk to him. Has he told you he wants marriage soon? Or does he see it as something way down the line?
Post # 4
I guess I would give it time and let him adjust to the idea slowly since you guys are not in a rush to get married. It takes time to process huge lifestyle changes.
Continue talking, be understanding and respectful of each other’s concerns and hestitations, and patient as you both adjust to what your new life will look like. Sounds like you’re both on the same page, so keep the lines of communication open.
Post # 5
I’m 24 and he’s 31. I think mentally he’s a little bit here and there. He sees his brother and cousins (whom he’s very close to) getting married and having children and I think he wants that familial happiness for himself as well. But at the same time, he wants to live a life where he never settles down in one place and is always seeking out new experiences (his new thing is to travel places and exchange skills for free accomodation. And bonsai :P).
I’m all for this. I’m 24. No rush to settle down in one place and make babies anytime soon. I’m just worried that he may NEVER want to settle down.
Post # 6
We have maybe the next 7-8 months to really make up our minds about getting married. By then we’d have known each other for almost a year.
Post # 7
So you’ve only known each other 4 or 5 months at the moment?
Post # 8
If there’s a big part of him that never wants to settle down in one place, and he’s fiercely independent, and traveling all the time, he might grow to resent you/marriage even if he chooses to do so becasue he wants kids. That he is scared of changing his lifestyle means he isn’t anywhere near ready to do so. Nothing about his history shows him to be someone who wants to settle in one place and develpo a stable work history and an actual home to bring children into. He might want kids someday, but not enough to do the things he has to do in order to raise a family.
Post # 9
About 3 months. I know it’s an incredibly short span to know someone and decide anything, but I knew this walking into the situation of an arranged marriage. Getting a year to decide is actually quite generous.
Post # 10
Thirty one is not exactly a kid anymore. If he were the twenty four year old, it might be different. By now, he is committed to his lifestyle. If you do succeed in winning him over, he may ultimately get restless and resentful at being tied down.
Make sure you’re really hearing him as you go forward, not just what you want to hear.
Post # 11
Try searching online “marriage preparatory course”. I downloaded something which has a series of “tests” which help to direct discussion during engagement period and we are also doing extra prep discussion using the book “Rules of Engagement”. It has affirmed us quite a bit since the one moment of uncertainty we had about getting married about 10 days ago.. we realise that communication is the key to relationship so we do spend quite a lot of time talking things through. Wasn’t natural for my fiancé but after 2.5 years of us together, he’s getting used to it a bit more.
Initially my fiancé wasn’t sure marriage is for him. Eventually he decided he wants to. I was ever ready to leave because marriage is a deal-breaker and he’s aware of it when we were just friends. So he knew what he was signing up for before we started dating. Last night we did exercise on active listening. And we discussed about how we feel about wedding plans. It affirmed we do still want to be married to each other in future.
That’s why I’d strongly encourage you and him to try talking about everything. Since it’s an arranged marriage setting,, u can be even more open about what you want and desire. If after taking time to discuss everything about marriage doesn’t reassure your partner, you might need to consider the whole deal again. Seriously… Bonsai and free accommodation can’t feed the family and future children.