Marriage talk w/boyfriend (NOT SPAM)

posted 2 months ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
1200 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Oye. Use more paragraphs next time.

But from what I gathered, your BF has some reservations about marriage because his parents went through a divorce? I know several couples who struggle with this. It’s not uncommon. You two are also VERY YOUNG and your career paths could throw a wrench into any future plans in an instant.

My advice: put it on the back burner and focus on school. You have your whole life ahead of you, and so does your BF. Constantly asking/nagging about a wedding time line at this age will only drive him further away. A few years down the road would be a more appropriate time to bring it up. He’ll have grown up a lot and will be thinking more long term at that point. Right now, his focus is most likely on his almost adult job..as it should be.

Post # 4
Member
6920 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

sgriffin76 :  That was a pretty immature response for someone who thinks they are so mature.

Post # 5
Member
2388 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2017 - Outside in Paris

I feel like you should be comfortable talking to your future spouse about anything. The fact that you arent confident enough to discuss timeline & the future with him… is a flag on the play.

Post # 7
Member
329 posts
Helper bee

You’re together long enough to discuss future plans about kids so there should be no problem talking about weddings. Start a conversation about your wedding or about what kind of rings you like see how he responds, you never know, he might be just as keen as you to talk about weddings!

Post # 8
Member
6920 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

sgriffin76 :  I’ve been with my husband since we were 18. We are 27 now. I know exactly what it’s like to be a young couple, talking marriage. But your responses do come off as very immature and just stomping your foot and saying “I’m mature for my age” isn’t going to make anyone take you more seriously. Neither is bitching about baby boomers.

And being open to the perspective of those who are older and have more life experience is a part of being mature. Your age is a factor because the advice you would give to someone who is 30 is reasonably going to be different than the advice you give to someone who is 23 and just starting out.

If you are so mature and your relationship is so strong and amazing you should be able to bring up marriage without it being an issue. Layout what your ideal timeline would be and why. Listen to what he wants. Talk. Come to a compromise that makes you both happy.

Post # 10
Member
224 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: Bar Harbor Inn

Those of us who are not baby boomers but have reached the age of 27 can assure you that, yes, those four years do make you far more mature than you are at 23.  The human brain doesn’t even fully develop until age 25.  That issue aside, it sounds like your relationship is moving along the way you want it to.  It is hard to deal with not knowing exactly when and if he’s going to propose.  As long as he knows that is what you want and expect, I think you’re in a good place.  When you’re talking about what type of houses you like, weave wedding talk into the conversation naturally.  It does you no good to never talk about it.  You don’t want to waste your time if marriage is something you absolutely need in order to stay with him long term.  

Post # 11
Member
80 posts
Worker bee

 sgriffin76 :  I understand your frustration about the “you’re too young” remarks. It honeslty gets annoying to read that even though it’s not my post.

I think if you have a stable healthy relationship, you should be open and comfortable to discuss marriage, or anything else for that matter, without hesitation. I also think you have every right to discuss it and know where your relationship is heading and have a general timeline. A PP mentioned to focus on school and that careers could throw off a timeline or whatever, but careers can do that at anytime so that’s a stupid reason to wait in my opinion.

Post # 12
Member
1142 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

we’ve agreed that we’re fine with it happening at some point in 2-3 years, and he wants to let things “develop naturally.”

Okay, so you’ve already agree’d to a timeline. It sounds like you just want to bounce wedding ideas off of him, but if you’re not even getting engaged for 2-3 years, whats the point? You already said in your OP that you talk weddings with your mom and friends also. By the time you actually get engaged, it’s likely your thoughts and likes will change anyways. Start a pinterest board if you want to dream and plan. 

You never know, I’ll have been working 2 years and will have a higher salary by then, and you’ll be graduated and have a job too.”

Certainly, you being mature and all, understand that a higher salary and you getting a job immediately out of college aren’t guarantees, correct? You never know what could happen.

If you have a mature and open relationship you shouldn’t feel hesitant to talk to him about ANYTHING, especially your futures together. 

Post # 13
Member
1142 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

ribbonsandbling :  Agree with this post. Looking back to age 23, I was a different person mentally.

You DO grow up in 3, 4 and 5 years. Especially in your 20’s. 

Post # 14
Member
8990 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Literally every single 23 year old thinks they’re mature for their age. (Source: I and millions of others were 23 once, and totally thought we were “mature for our age.”)

Okay, so first up, if you want to talk to him about this stuff, just talk to him about it. You apparently want to spend your lives together yet you’re hesitant to talk to him about the very thing you want to do? Come on. “Hey, I saw a really neat engagement ring in an art/wedding/whatever book yesterday, and it got me thinking that I could design my own some day/do research beforehand/let you take the wheel/whatever.” Bam. Conversation started.

Also,

“Also, the other day we were just casually talking about how couples should have kids no later than the age of 30 so that they can still be young enough to enjoy spending time with their adult children and grandkids” — Fucking what? Lol.

Post # 15
Member
1200 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

sgriffin76 :  Ha, whooaa!!! I was only giving my opinion. But, nice immature response. I didn’t mean to belittle you.

If you can’t talk to him about marriage, how are you supposed to openly communicate with him about anything else? People say they can communicate with their partner. But if I’ve learned anything this past year in couples counseling, it’s that we were terrible at communicating with each other. There must be a reason why you feel like you can’t communicate with him on this subject. Are you guys on the same page about everything else? Finances? Kids? Location? In laws? Boundaries? Have you had a dream date yet? (where you dream about where you want to be when you retire–what kind of financial situation you want to be in?)

You say his parents divorced. I have a few friends who have been with their SOs for years. A big hangup for their SO’s is that they’ve seen divorce up close. I don’t think the SOs have ever worked through that on their own. It’s hard to watch my one friend in particular chose between her SO and marriage. She wants marriage so bad. But her SO just doesn’t believe in it because of the divorce his parents had.

And I love art students! I hire them as freelancers all the time ;o)

 

ETA: I don’t even know why I responded. I just reread your entire post and it looks like you guys talk about marriage and the future already. Sounds like you have a 2-3 year timeline?

Also, 30 is not too old to have kids. *eye roll* –This was a sarcastic comment but also kind of serious.

 

 

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