Marriage was a terrible idea

posted 11 months ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
407 posts
Helper bee

A. This isn’t a way to live life. You only have one and I think you want to be happy. It’s 100% possible to change your life. 

B. Get out of this toxic relationship.

C. Learn to love yourself first. You are important and it seems you’ve forgotten that. You have to work on your own confidence (fake it til you make it).

D. Until you love yourself, don’t worry about a partner. You currently aren’t capable of being someone’s partner until you get to a better place – you’ll only attract those who want power over you. 28 isn’t old, at all. I love bringing up Meghan Markle – she divorced her first husband in her ealry 30s. She met Prince Harry at 35. 

You can do this!

Post # 3
Member
403 posts
Helper bee

I just wanted to say I’m so sorry you’re dealing with all this. My heart goes out to you! There is so much to unpack here and I’m definitely not qualified to counsel you on most of it. I know money may be tight… but do you have any way to get help from a therapist? Even through your church? I feel like you need someone who can truly help you navigate a long term solution.

But please know there is a better life out there for you. You’re not stuck in this situation… and you shouldn’t be! You have lots of time to find happiness again!

Post # 4
Member
2712 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Well… are you sure you’re married? His dad married you? Did you have a marriage license? Did you file the license?

Can you seek out your pastor for advice on a divorce?

Post # 5
Member
4329 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - Canada

I’m really sorry you’re in this situation. It’s easy as an outsider to say “just leave him!”. But what do you love about this guy? You cant trust him or rely on him, he hurls insults at you and belittles you… I understand that this post requires you to tell us lots of the bad stuff, but is there any good stuff? What is keeping you there besides fear?

Also, I second the PP’s question; are you actually legally married?

Post # 6
Member
4308 posts
Honey bee

First of all, I’m sorry that you are in this position.  It seems that your husband used your unfortunate circumstances and vulnerability to make you feel like you had no choice but to get married….which is not fair at all.  

However, divorce might seem unbearable to you, but it’s a temporary situation.  If you choose to stay, this is the rest of your life.  

And we all need to stop using this obscure idea of love to forgive the misgivings of our partners.  

“So much crying. Barely any intimacy. Everything is my fault. A lot of verbal, emotional, mental and physical abuse. It hurts so much.”

I removed the love part because what is there to love about that?  

If there is all of that abuse, you need to get out asap.  Contact a women’s shelter.  Get a plan in place.  

Post # 7
Member
2377 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

Oh Bee, there’s a lot going on here. Firstly, I want to say I’m sorry you are going through all this, it seems life you’ve been given a tough lot in life. My advice would be to:

1. Stop all wedding plans and focus on getting your mental health in order. This is not something for your husband to fix, this is solely your responsibility. Don’t give anyone that power in your life that you’re jumping out off moving cars in response to their abusive words. Go to counselling, talk to a trusted person. You need to be 100% secure in charge of your own mental health before you can give into any relationship.

2. Get control back of your life. No more waiting around for him to fix things, find a place for you to stay. Do you have any family you can move in with, until you are in a better position? I’m not sure if you feel safe and secure with his family, but in the event that this marriage because untenable, you should start thinking of your next move, in terms of finding a secure living situation.

3. It seems like some serious financial planning is in order. I’m not an American but it seems like $1700 per month is wayyyy too much for insurance (again I don’t know what’s average). Honestly, I’ll consider taking him off your insurance and put that money into a house fund, or emergency fund. Make a budget and stick to it, no more buying him fancy gifts to make him happy. Until you are financially comfortable, so as not to end up homeless again, this should be your financial goal.

4. Lastly, I’ve been married for 8 years, and if there is one piece of marital advice I can leave you with is this:  Who you married, is the person you get. Try as hard as you might, it is not your responsibility, or even within your capabilities to change anyone. If he’s uncaring and lackadaisical then, no amount of guilt, tears or words will change this. Don’t throw your life away, waiting for him to be your prince charming. The life you want, you have to make it with a partner who’s just as willing and enthusiastic as you or make it alone.

Most importantly, if he’s abusive, get out. You are a human being worthy of love and respect. If someone puts their hands on you, that’s is not love. Help is out there, please find whatever courage you no doubt have inside of you to reach for it. Wishing you all the best my dear. Of course, its never too late to take control and turn your life around, I have so much faith in you to do this.

Post # 8
Member
4308 posts
Honey bee

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@picturemeurs:  your #4 is spot on.  I made the mistake of thinking that my exH would magically become this great partner once we got married (I really thought he would grow up and mature).  I couldn’t have been more wrong about that.  He remained the same person from when I met him until the day we divorced. 

 

Post # 9
Member
565 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
@anonymous28:  I’m sorry you’ve been through so much.

Like other bees, I’m wondering if you’re actually legally married. Did you guys file paperwork? If not that will make leaving a lot easier, but even if you are married you need to leave.

Are you in the US? $1700 a month for car insurance is abolutely outrageous, I know plenty of people with not so great driving records and have never paid even close to that amount.

If you are in fact paying $1700 out of your own pocket, I would take him off of your insurance and save that money up so you can move out on your own and leave this abusive relationship.

Post # 10
Member
7853 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Bee–check with your county records office to find out if a marriage license was ever certified. If you’re not legally married you don’t need to get a divorce.

You can’t change him. You can only change yourself, and change your situation. This is not a life. You are young and have far too many years ahead of you to spend them this way. Love is not enough, especially when it seems so one-sided. A wedding will not fix anything. Focus on yourself, find a therapist, work on an exit strategy. It’s far better to be happy on your own than miserable with someone else. 

Post # 11
Member
5330 posts
Bee Keeper

Your life will not get better until you take charge of it. Example: Why would you wait and assume your fiance was looking at apartments? Why weren’t you looking? You seem to let things go along and when they dont turn out as you expect then you act out in a dramatic fashion. You’re doing more damage to yourself than any man could do to you. Are you taking action and getting the help you need for your mental health? That would be a good place to start.

Everyone else can tell you how you’ve had such a hard time, you poor thing, and that they feel sorry for you, and that your husband is terrible. But I see you as someone who sits by passively and allows things to happen and then blames others when things go wrong. Feeling sorry for yourself is not going to improve your situation. 

Post # 12
Member
1202 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
@somathemagical:  Great observation!! OP are you even sure you’re legally married?? Because of not you can and should just leave much more easily.

Post # 13
Member
7991 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

View original reply
@sunburn:  I was thinking the same thing actually, and I wonder if some religious upbringing was apart of this?

OP it sounds like you are content to listen to and let other people control things.

Why wouldn’t you find your own housing?

Why, if after months of him not doing anything, wouldnt you follow up? I dont blame your friends mom, you completely took advantage and didnt bother to find a place?

Why would you buy a macbook when you cant even afford your own housing?

Why would you add him to your insurance at seventeen fucking hundred dollars a month? How are you even paying this if you were homless months prior?

You keep saying “he didnt let me do this”, no bee, YOU didnt let you do this or that. You need to take control of your life ASAP. Getting a divorce is not the end of the world. You need therapy, and not religous mumbo jumbo garbage. Real, clinical therapy. If you can afford a $1700 car insurance payment monthly you can afford a few sessions of real therapy. Abuse fucks with your head, and you are likely feeling very vulnerable. This will sound harsh, and I’m sorry for that. But you need to stop being a passenger in your own life. 

 

Post # 14
Member
527 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

This sounds like an awful situation that you’re in. I agree with PPs that you should talk to someone, what about the pastor that had been meant to marry you? He might be able to help you find out whether you are legally married and what you can do to escape this abuse. If he doesn’t help then I strongly advise you to talk to your family and not gloss over the abuse you’re living through, or contact a women’s shelter who will be able to help you. 

You are certainly loveable and you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness and care. Before any of that is possible though you need to get out of this abusive relationship and reconnect with yourself, your identity and get back your self esteem, confidence and respect which are the things that abusers target to make their victims feel like it’s impossible to escape them. 

Good luck OP. 

Post # 15
Member
1246 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Filing for divorce in my state is a $125 filing fee. I know people always talk about how expensive and hard it is, but it really doesn’t have to be.

Call your insurance company, take him off your insurance. Take the money you saved there and go rent your own apartment. Move out, don’t tell him where you live. You could do all of those things in a 24-48 hour period of time. Then serve him with divorce papers. You should be able to get the papers online on your state’s court website.

You are only 28, you are young and deserve so much more!

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