- 11 months ago
2018 was one of the toughest years of my life. I had a herniated disk which caused me to take 6 weeks off work. Then I was diagnosed with a disease that only affect 2 percent of women. Once I returned I lost my home and two days later my laid off 40% of its staff. My boyfriend of 3 years and I decided to get married. We’re Christian people. He was concerned with “shacking up” so he didn’t want to live together even though we were still having sex. When we started counseling, my pastor realized that we didn’t have a place to stay. My pastor stopped counseling and said that my soon to be husband had to get us a place to stay before we get married. I wasn’t able to apply for an apartment because I was wrongly convicted of a crime that has since been overturned by the courts and removed from my record. But I went months during this time thinking that he was doing in search of getting us a place. I was wrong. He didn’t apply to any apartments or try to get us a home. He was comfortable coming to see me at whatever house that I stayed at for the night without realizing that’s no way to let my fiancé soon to be wife live. I ended up getting a notice from my friends mom who I was staying with for 3 months saying that I had a month to get out after I strung her along thinking my fiancé was on top of getting us a place. I told my fiancé and he said he was on it. a month goes by and still no place but he comes up with this idea that his dad said I can move in with them if I get married the next day. I refused and it caused this big argument. He told me I had no other choice and I could take it or leave it. I told him we needed to finish counseling and sort things out some more. He said we don’t have time for that either we get married now or never. I said not right now it’s not a good time and he decides to leave me. We had joint accounts and I took our last $500 to try to help sustained me during this transition. Now, coupled with all I was dealing with in my health, financially and being homeless I became depressed and suicidal in that moment. He ended up locking himself out his car and told me to take him home to get his keys. I didn’t want to talk. I was so messed up. I told him I was at my wits end and I didn’t want to live. He tries to talk me out of it but I wasn’t able to feel anything. I’m assuming he got tired of trying to help and start calling me sadistic, crazy, psychotic. He was mad that I took the $500 and told me that I should just off myself. Well I jumped out the car while on the freeway and spent 10 days in the hospital. The whole time he kept telling me he was sorry and he will make things better. He told my sister and mother he would make things better. That I would be safe with him. Things were going to change. I just needed to marry him when I got out of the hospital. I told him I wanted our pastor to marry us because it meant a lot to me that he’d do it. My fiancé said that we can let his dad marry us in a private ceremony and let my pastor do the wedding. So I naively obliged and moved in with his family. After getting secretly married, I started planning the wedding. But his tone changed. He begin to say he needed music equipment(he’s a musician) and that we should focus on that because that will get us some money. His driving record prevented us from getting that equipment because once I added him to my car insurance policy our monthly went up to $1700/mon. I had to start paying that and he became upset. Ignored me and was down all the time. I felt bad and bought him a MacBook out of my pocket to make him happy so we can continue on to our wedding. Then he said he needed other equipment and now I’m confused because we’re 4 months out from our wedding and we haven’t even started paying for things. He said all I care about is a stupid wedding and not marriage and that wasn’t true. I wanted to get what he promised me. He didn’t get me a ring as promised. He didn’t let me have a wedding. He didn’t let my pastor marry us. My family/friends wasn’t going to be apart of my day. It pained me to see how I continued to compromise and he didn’t for me. Fast forward 2 years and life is still a bunch of empty promises from him and pain. So much crying. Barely any intimacy. Everything is my fault. A lot of verbal, emotional, mental and physical abuse. I love him so much and it hurts so much. I just wish things were better. I dont know what to do. I don’t want to get a divorce because the thought of dealing with that is just as unbearable as this marriage. I just want him to do better and care. Should I just let it go? I’m 28 and feel like no one will want to love me at this point especially if I get divorced.