Marriage with conditions?

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
10027 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

He can either accept you for who you are and be willing to stand up to his family for you or he needs to break up with you.

FWIW I would not go changing things about yourself unless YOU want to. Don’t change for him and his family, especially not after only dating a couple of months. 

Post # 3
Member
8246 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

lostbee24 :  I would be inclined to not treat it like a big deal unless they try to make a deal of it. What you put in YOUR body is none of their business. Unless you’re willing to change your eating habits for his family (which I wouldn’t recommend) then what good will come of bringing it up now?

Post # 4
Member
1746 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

I think he should accept you as you are and I wouldn’t change for him. You are still so early in the relationship, but this might really make me think about long term compatibility. 

Maybe he’s okay with you doing these things whole dating,  but would want you to become more devout after marriage or kids. So this could be a sign of an incompatibility. Both because he’s telling you he’s worried his family won’t approve of you and he should be more interested in standing up for you and loving you as you are, but also because you may see your faith differently.

Dh and i share the same religion and we don’t drink alcohol.  I did date guys I’m the past who drink,  but since they werent of the same faith, i didn’t expect anything different and I didn’tarry any of them.

Our faith is important to us,  so if Dh drank while we were dating,  it would have shown that we weren’t really compatible in the long term because of the importance we both  put on our faith.

If your bf drinks and eats meat like ypu, then I’d definitely feel he needs to be more transparent with his family and ask them to accept both of you as you are. 

Post # 5
Member
1145 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - Tacoma, WA

Personally, I would not commit myself to someone who was that concerned about what his parents think about what I choose to put into my own body, regardless of religion. Why do they even need to know what you do or don’t eat or that you drink?

Post # 6
Member
499 posts
Helper bee

Don’t change yourself for anyone, that’s all I can say.

If his family can’t accept you for two things that are not even that big of a deal, then that’s more his dilemma than yours – does he care if they make a big deal of it or no? If he cares more what his parents think about it, then he’s not the one anyway, because he’ll care about their opinion on EVERYTHING about you and your relationship.

Post # 7
Member
3518 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

lostbee24 :  why does he need to speak to his parents about it? Can he not make his own decisions? It would be a red flag to me that marriage depends on their approval. I don’t see why it needs to be told to his parents at all – if they ASK (which, none of their business, but if it comes up) then be honest. But i don’t see why he needs to go to them with this info. 

Post # 8
Member
6883 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I don’t see what he has to speak to his parents about. This sounds like the beginning of another mamas boy post if anything.

Post # 9
Member
600 posts
Busy bee

My fiance stopped eating meat for me (I didn’t ask him tho!) and now we’re both as happy and healthy as ever. Altho we do both like drinking occasionally. Just saying, maybe there’s some compromises both of you can make for each other…

Post # 10
Member
2286 posts
Buzzing bee

lostbee24 :  why does his family *need* this information? it seems like he’s creating an unnecessary barrier that will only exist if he insists upon telling them. it really isn’t their business—would you be marrying him or his parents?

Post # 11
Member
5864 posts
Bee Keeper

I’m guessing that if not being a non-drinker &/ or a vegetarian were dealbreakers for your boyfriend, he wouldn’t date women who weren’t. Some people are like this re smokers, whether or not to have kids, etc and that’s fine, everyone has their personal dealbreakers. But in this case I’m getting the uncomfortable sense that your boyfriend is fine with it himself but wants you to present a more ‘acceptable’ version of yourself to his parents and that’s a red flag IMO. Will he add to this list of things you need to change about yourself as your relationship becomes more serious? As a future fiance and wife, will you be expected to take on more and more conservative aspects of the religion his family follows a lot more stringently than yours? 

He may not be coming right out and saying ‘can you stop drinking and eating meat so you don’t offend my conservative parents?’ but it sounds like that’s what he’s hoping you’ll do to make things easier for him, otherwise why wring his hands to you over this instead of presenting you to your parents as you are? 

It’s not the notion of giving up meat or alcohol I would find objectionable but the reasons behind it- as in a boyfriend trying to make me over into something more pleasing to his family. 

FWIW I’m an LGBTQ athiest and my husband’s family is Italian Catholic, he’s never asked me to change or hide anything about myself. 

Post # 12
Member
4983 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

Go over to his parents and break out the jerky. They’ll get the message fast. 

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