(Closed) Married 1 year ago, bridesmaid got engaged 5 months later & didn’t tell me!

posted 7 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

I know it hurts, and it hurts worse because she was just in your wedding.  But sadly what you thought your relationship was like and what she meant to you, is not the same way she felt about you.

The distance you have in space and time in between communications that you though was normal and OK, she just saw as being the actions of a once-upon-a-time good friend, but not a Bridesmaid or Best Man type friend.

She probably should have politely declined your offer to be in your wedding, but likely she was pleased and a bit overwhelmed and didnt think about what she would do should she be engaged soon.

She should have also told you earlier that you werent in the wedding because that would have been the polite thing to do, but she probably just found it easier to not say anything and let the chips fall where they may. Which for her she accepted the possibility of you being mad, hurt and possibly damaging whatever friendship was there.

EDIT: I want to add because I didnt make it clear, that I would be hurt as well. Its sad to realize something is different than what you thought it was when it comes to relationships

Post # 4
Member
5183 posts
Bee Keeper

@lolijane: uh-oh.. i think this post might cause some bees to gang up on you and I really hope they don’t. I totally understand how you are feeling… Like you held her and your friendship to a higher regard than she did. That may very well be the case but I am not sure you can judge by who made her bridal party cut… She may have sisters or very close friends.. FI’s family may have asked etc etc.. There are just so many things that could have come in between you making the cut. Her saying that she ‘didnt want to chase’ you.. is a little hard to hear… My BFF and I are quite a distance away.. and we sometimes go months without talking.. but if I need to get in touch with her.. I certainly know how (blow up her phone/ fb until she gets back to me lol).. This is a really tough situation man.. ALso, I want to tell you not to second guess your bridal party.. if she was a good Bridesmaid or Best Man.. anything that happened after doesn’t change the fact that she was.. and made your day special. I might cut her a little slack with the bridal party.. but if you don’t get an invite I would question the friendship..

Post # 5
Member
2440 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I just had a similar thing happen to me and I’ve kind of cut ties with that friend since.  She moved out of the country a couple years ago and was supposed to be moving back here within the next year.  We’ve been friends since middle school and always keep in touch, even when she’s been on her travels (semester abroad, peace corps, etc.).  When I got engaged I was going to ask her to be a bridesmaid if she was going to be able to make the wedding.  So I called her, so excited to share my news, and she says that she won’t be in the country then, can’t make the wedding, and by the way she’s getting married next month…what!?!?!?!  She hadn’t even told me she was dating anybody, let alone engaged, and had planned the entire wedding (although small wedding and the engagement is 6 months total, but still). Last I knew she was dating a completely different guy and was going to move to a different country to be with him, so I have no idea what happened with that.  And yes, I felt and still feel incredibly hurt that she didn’t feel a need to share this with me (and we’ve talked since she’s been engaged and she “forgot about it”). I haven’t talked to her since that last conversation and I have no real plans to talk to her in the future. So long story short, I completely understand what you’re going through and it really sucks.

Post # 7
Member
5183 posts
Bee Keeper

@lolijane: YES, very silly! but unfortunately it happens. I get what you are saying.. her lack of communication when there was big news! And the only retort she had for that was ‘she didn’t want to chase you’ … and in turn putting the blame on you… that messed up. She seriously had no other explaination.. hey i am so sorry.. i have been wanting to call you but every time I got side tracked.. been hella busy.. havent even been thinking about the wedding stuff yet.. ugh.. the least she could have done was lie.. and make up a good excuse..lol

Post # 9
Member
1562 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

That really stinks, I am sorry.  Some people value friendships more than others, and we definitely learn this as we get older.  

Post # 11
Member
1526 posts
Bumble bee

I personally can understand a little bit of where she’s coming from. I am the kind of person that goes to extremes to not flaunt things about myself in ways that could come off as bragging. For me, I didn’t tell anyone that I got engaged personally. A few people were really hurt they found out via facebook, and I felt awful, but I didn’t feel comfortable calling and telling them because I felt like it would seem like I was rubbing it in or something. 

I understand that most people wouldn’t feel this way, but I have some other issues, so that’s how I see it. Maybe she didn’t feel comfortable calling you/bragging when you’re busy with your own husband and everything and so she just didn’t include you in the bridal party. She might have thought you were too busy or something.

Basically, technology sucks because we don’t always get messages and I think girls are complicated. I think she should at least clear the air and tell you why. It’s odd she couldn’t at least do that. 

Post # 13
Member
4480 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch

This seems like one of those unfortunate situations where no one is really at fault. You’re hurt because you feel left out or like she doesn’t value you as much as you valued her, and she might be hurt because you didn’t make an effort to keep up with her (or she just didn’t think you guys were as close). There’s no winning. I’m sorry this happened and you feel badly, though. 🙁 It sucks.

Post # 15
Member
137 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@lolijane: I can definitely understand why you’re upset.  I HATE to feel left out, and if a good friend didn’t make sure I knew she was engaged, I’d be hurt, too.

On the other hand, I recently had a friend get very upset with me when I tried to talk to her about not being in my bridal party. (She hung up on me.) In hindsight, I soooo wish I would have listened to the advice of others and kept my mouth shut.  Maybe your friend was trying to avoid confrontation if that’s something she’s  usually uncomfortable with.  

Sorry you’re going through this.

Post # 16
Member
4480 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch

@lolijane: I’m so not saying that it’s weird that she didn’t tell you! Even if she didn’t think you guys were as close. If I tried to tell a friend I got engaged and she didn’t call me back, I would DEFINITELY have called again!

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