Married 18 months and seriously considering divorce over starting a family

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
757 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Bottom line: if he doesn’t want kids it’s not fair to try to force him to change his mind. It won’t happen. However, if he is afraid he will be a bad parent due to his childhood experiences therapy can help. It’s up to you and him to figure out which one it is it’s up to you if you want to wait and see how things go if it’s the second one. If it’s the first one just leave

Post # 17
Member
945 posts
Busy bee

It’s difficult. Do you really not know what made him change? You’ve been together way before all these sickness symptoms start. Was there a death in the family, or some job-related issue, etc? Perhaps you could go for couple counselling so you can understand more about what is happening through the sessions, instead of waiting for him to heal himself from the outside.

I would say it really depends on your priorities. If you love this person with your life, and you married in sickness and in health, and he did show improvement over the next year, you could want to stay despite no children. But if your own mental health is failing because of this situation, or children is highest on your priority list, you could choose to walk away. 

Post # 18
Member
2081 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Another thing to consider is if you even want to have children with a man with behaves like this (if he doesn’t demonstrably improve in a reasonable amount of time)? If he somehow changes his mind and you have a child, parenting with someone with this many issues may be incredibly frustrating and draining for you.

Post # 19
Member
371 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

Is it you wanting kids or his behavior that would be your deal breaker?

If kids isnt a deal breaker maybe have a talk about not having kids perhaps his behaviour is restress/depression about the pressure to reproduce and knowing he doesnt have to might help and change the behaviour.

If having kids is the issue it sounds like thats not the right choice for him so you may need to decide if thats the deal breaker.

He also may want to go on anti depressents at least for a little while.

Post # 20
Member
7905 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

With the paranoia and seemingly drastic change in behavior, I worry about mental health issues going beyond depression. Even aside from the having babies issue, it doesn’t sound like he’s able to be a good partner. There’s not a right or wrong answer, but I can see things getting worse or more distressing for you if you stay in this marriage. Psych issues are stressful for families for sure. 

Post # 21
Member
1890 posts
Buzzing bee

I would give him some more time. It doesn’t sound to me like the idea of being a parent is unappealing to him, he’s just afraid, and working through that anxiety. But make sure to get lots of self-care while you’re dealing with this, that can be draining. Also, maybe have a few sessions with a couples counselor to open up communication with each other.

Post # 22
Member
2554 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

theonlywayisorange :  I can completely understand not wanting to talk to family and friends about this because you don’t want it to affect their view of your husband.  I did the same when I was having problems with my ex.  And I can tell you that it made the situation more difficult not just for me, but ultimately for my family.  They felt completely blindsided when we split up and regretted not being there for me when I needed them.

You have a support system, please consider leaning on it.  You do not have to go through this alone.  Best of luck!!

Post # 23
Member
1097 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

This sounds like a really difficult situation, I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. I echo what others have suggested about couples therapy. In his current state of mind he would doesn’t sounds like a good partner to you, and quite frankly I would hesitate to have kids with him even if he agreed to at this point – I know that might sound harsh but it’s really not fair to the kids to have a parent who’s not happy they’re there. My stepbrother’s mom was a pretty crappy parent to him and it seems to be manifesting itself in the relationships he chooses – he’s decided to marry a woman who is blatantly manipulative and unethical.

That said, if your husband does agree to counseling and to work on his issues in therapy, and you get back the man you married, your relationship could come out of this stronger than ever- it all comes back to HIM and what he is willing to do to be a good partner to you. My fiance has depression too and has been working through his issues in therapy for years. He also takes his medication regularly. Obviously I don’t know your situation really, but with the right help and his commitment to do the work, I’d be encouraged to stick with it and try to work it out.

 

Post # 24
Member
2757 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

theonlywayisorange : I am so so sorry about his drastic change in behaviour and also his desire to have children bee, that is heartbreaking 🙁 out of curiosity, how old is your husband? A lot of his behaviour (the intense paranoia) sounds like he might be developing psychosis (schizophrenia). A lot of the negative symptoms of schizophrenia are basically identical to symptoms of depression. I just say this because schizophrenia usually develops in men in their 20’s and early 30’s, and would explain the drastic and rapid change in personality and behaviour you are describing. Of course I am in zero position to diagnose anyone over the internet, but has he spoken about these intense feelings of paranoia with his therapist? I think its a very very important thing to mention and keep a watch over. 

Post # 25
Member
480 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

I would see if he is open to diffent types of therapy, this is really hard.

Post # 26
Member
488 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

This is a tricky one.  I know that you do not have time on your side, but I would encourage you to give it some time for him to explore therapy and start getting whatever treatment he needs.  This is likely going to take a while..not just a couple of months.  I also encourage you to look into couples therpy to figure out whether he truly would like children or not.  While you might be right that his feelings on children won’t change if he truly deep down does not want them, there is also the chance that whatever he is experiencing may be changing his views on this.  Good luck Bee. 

Post # 27
Member
251 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: City, State

sapphire27 :  This exactly. My first thought when I read your post was that he may be developing paranoid schizophrenia. 

Has he seen a psychiatrist for a full consultation? If not, that may be a worthwhile step to take.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Lots of hugs ❤️

Post # 28
Member
133 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I would continue therapy and just be supportive. You have been very strong to stand by him through all this. If you love him do not give up until you have tried it all. If you feel like you gave it your all then it is your right to find your happiness with or without him.

Post # 30
Member
6169 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

You can still love someone and know, practically, that things aren’t working with them. In your case, if having children is really important for you, you don’t really have time to be parenting your partner through his healing process from his own childhood. It’s not good or bad, it just is.

I’ve known people who made the choice to give up their chance to have children for a partner and they still live happy and fulfilled lives. I do not know that that is a choice that I could or would make for someone. Only you know if you’d be willing to chance that being your outcome here.

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