Married 18 months and seriously considering divorce over starting a family

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 33
82 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

crackerjax :  That’s not necessarily true.  It could be and if she isn’t making progress it should be addressed, but it could be that she has gone monthly or something for some basic maintenance and to keep a therapeutic relationship in place for when things like what are happening now crop up.  I now am in a supervisory role, but I was a therapist for years and there were some patients who would do something similar or even come in less frequently.  It was a part of their overall mental wellness plan and we should not shame people for being in therapy.


Post # 34
1273 posts
Bumble bee

crackerjax :  Depends on what she is in therapy for. My sister has needed therapy since she was in middle school and will probably need it all her life, because of her aspergers. She needs a therapist that understands her perspective and condition and can help her bridge the gap between what she thinks is right and what society finds appropriate behavior. I needed therapy for over 4 years to deal with being sexually abused and probably would have gone longer if I hadn’t gone off to college.

Post # 36
547 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2005

My question is did you both sit down before the wedding and actually have the having children conversation? As in did you and he sit down and say specifically that you wanted children? I think couples should have this conversation and not just have a feeling on generalities.

Like my dear friend, she always wanted kids and she just assumed her husband was on board when he said in general conversation before the wedding “Im excited about our family.” She took this to mean he was interested in having children when what he really meant was “Im excited we are getting married and I cant wait for you to be my wife.”

They are divorced because both made alot of assumptions before the wedding. She wanted kids and to be a Stay-At-Home Mom and he liked that they both worked and had money to travel. Their goals just didnt match up. 

If you had that conversation then disregard the top and make sure he gets to therapy. Paranoia is not a good sign. It could be a sign of mental illness. 

Post # 39
547 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2005

theonlywayisorange :  Just clarifying. I hope things work out for you, Im glad he agreed at least to go to therapy. Hopefully whatever is going on with him gets worked out. I would take kids off the table for the moment, let him get through some therapy. It sounds like from your update a lot of things happened in very quick succession. That can put stress on someone who might have problems with change. 

Also he might be feeling like a swimmer without a shore. I say this because I sort of went through something like this with Darling Husband, DH worked for the Secret Service when we were dating. I knew that when we married I would have to move to his location and give up my comfy well ordered life to follow him. Growing up in a military family I thought I was prepared for it, but in practice I wasnt.  In quick succession I had to sell my house, leave my friends, change jobs and then move into a world where he wasnt home a lot. I was drowning in a whole lot of emotional discomfort. I felt like nothing was mine. I felt like I was the interloper into my DH’s family, an interloper in his circle of friends. I got a job, but again I was the new person there and again an interloper. It took me about two years to finally find my niche and was I seriously depressed about it. Finally it all fell into place. 

I hope thats all that wrong with him and he doesnt have a mental illness. I wish you the best of luck and hope all works out well with you.

Post # 40
403 posts
Helper bee

theonlywayisorange :  You’re absolutely correct.. not trying to shame anybody. 6 years just  seems like a lot.

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