Post # 1
I have a serious issue that is causing havoc in my marriage. I’m 24, my husband is 25, we were both virgins when we got married. We were both really excited to have sex and all my friends were telling me how amazing it is, and how in the first few months we’ll go crazy.
Our wedding night was bad, really bad. I came out in the sexiest lingiere imaginable and after making out, petting, really getting into it for an extensive amount of time, my husband could not get up. It was really dissapointing for the both of us, so we went to sleep. He woke up around 2am with an erection and in the pitch black, me unable to open my eyes due to my sleepiness we had out first sexual interaction.
Without dragging on and on, throughout the honeymoon, after coming home until now he has had major issues with his penis. He is suffering from ED and premature ejaculation and fares on the smaller side. He talked to his doctor and got Viagra, but that only goes so far.
I love him so much, but our sex life is really killing our new marriage. He is so sweet and tries to please me even when he can’t get it up, but I’m just not into it knowing that he won’t get erect.
We’ve talked about it lots, he knows how I feel and I think we’re going to counseling soon. I’m so upset and I feel like I almost resent him for it, even though it’s not his fault. I can’t talk to any family or friends because he doesn’t want anyone to know about it. As much as I love him, I almost feel like our marriage was a mistake at this point. I don’t want to be in a sex-less marriage. But in our church we believe marriage is forever and divorce isn’t really an option.
Does anyone have any suggestions on what we can do to help him with his ED and premature ejaculation? How I can stop feeling so dissapointed? Any and all help is much apprecited.
Post # 3
Oh no, I hate to be the one that says “would you buy a car without test driving it?” but what’s done is done. Does he do other things to please you in the bedroom? You’ll have to be patient with him, a lot of it is in his head, it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. I think counseling is definitely a good idea.
Post # 4
Seeing as how you were both virgins when you married, I suspect this may be a psychological thing. This is a very intimate question, but does he masturbate? If so, is he able to get things going alright when he does? My first instinct is to think that he may be afraid or anxious of sexual activity since he has never done it before and that is causing the erectile issues. If counseling is not an option, I suggest you both work hard on creating a safe and open sexual space and see if things improve with time.
Post # 5
@hhaze: Oh honey. Big big hugs. Firstly, I commend you for waiting until you were married to have sex. It’s not for everyone, but the fact that you two did it (and you both wanted it) is great!
I really don’t have much advice. Sometimes my SO does finish a bit early. I think a good idea for you would be to explore your own body more sexually. I don’t know how you feel about this, but sometimes it helps a lot to know your own body better.
And good sex definitely takes practice. Lots of it. I am not a man, but I know my SO, who was a virgin when we first started dating, could not “hold it in” to save his life at first. But with more and more practice, I’ve figured out ways to prolong it. I read his face and the way his muscles tense or relax, and I have gotten much better at knowing what to do to make things last until I want them to.
I also don’t know if you’ve given him any blowjobs? I know this probably won’t work for everyone, but I got to know my SO’s timing a lot better by focusing just on him. I also think it helps him last longer.
Post # 6
First I’d like to say that there are many, many other ways to have fun in the bedroom besides Penis-in-Vagina sex. Expiriment!
But also I’d like to say that your husband should go see another doctor and and counseller. His freaking out might just be making it worse.
As a wife, try to support him. Tell him how much you love him and how sexy he is. Try not to resent him.
Post # 7
I had a friend who had ED when he was in his early 20’s. He was the sweetest guy ever and for him it was performance anxiety. With time, he gained more confidence and he’s now a proud father of two beautiful boys. Try, try, try to be patient and understanding with him. Reassure him. Imagine if this were you instead, and you had an unexpected reaction to penetration. How would you want him to react to you? Some of us get hit with obstacles earlier than others, but we all eventually have difficult things to manage in our relationships. His ego is taking a HUGE hit. Maybe try taking the focus off of his perfomance and let it be about making him comfortable first, which means deciding that what you do doesn’t have to end with penetrative sex. Like PP said, a pressure-free blow job is a great way to get him to relax about it. I’m betting this won’t be a problem for much longer.
Post # 8
First of all, big hugs to you, but I can offer you some hope as well! When my fiance and I first started dating he was a virgin and I was not. When we first tried to have sex, we had a very similar experiences to yours, that went on for a few months. I think it was largely to do with nerves/performance anxiety. I don’t really know what changed, just tried to keep things light and take the pressure off, but one day things just clicked and there’s never been a problem since! My advice would just be to keep things light, try not to make him feel inadequate (I’m sure he’s already beating himself up enough as it is), try to have fun in other ways, and I’m sure things will improve. Best of luck!!!
Post # 9
I thought the same thing… not right but my first reaction.
Hey OP, I agree with PP @jjmomma:
a BJ will work wonders… and take some time alone to figure out what you both like/want. You can’t pleasure someone unless they know what they like… and vice versa.
Post # 10
@hhaze: I wouldn’t talk about it for a while.
I have a feeling that it’s just the pressure of finally having to perform… it’s been built up so long in his mind. I’m sure he’ll get much better as time goes on.
In the meantime, I would just love him & be intimate in other ways (oral?) and keep the pressure off him. (Not saying you’re pressuring him, but he’s likely pressuring himself, and I think you can help by not talking about it.)
Post # 11
Thank you all for the great adivce. @peasantsong no, he doesn’t masterbate.
I think I’ll suggest he sees another doctor, we’ll go to a therapist then go from there. I think I remember him mentioning something about “performance anxiety”, so I think all your adivce for a pressure free BJ would really help. 🙂
Post # 12
I don’t really know if I have any helpful advice to offer you but that totally sucks that this is happening to you. My ex was horrible in bed and it was one of the main reasons we broke up. My ex wasn’t really willing to work on it though to try and perform better but your husband seems like he’s up to trying. I’d advise you to be patient with him as long as he’s trying. Hopefully it’s psychological – was he raised in a very religious family who sex shamed him?
Post # 13
Here’s some Too Much Information for you. I have HPV and it’s lead to having cancers cell removed from my cervix, regular colposcopies and a couple of leep procedures. What I’m currently dealing with, and have been for the past year, is that I bleed heavily 9 out of 10 times when we have sex. Beyond being scared for my health and the possibility of not being able to carry a pregnancy full term, my self esteem took a huge hit. My SO and I had been together for 4 years and our sex life was..healthy. As the bleeding got worse and as I got more tests with no answers, I began to feel like my body was failing me. The possibility of not being able to have children felt like I was failing him and tearing down that lovely little picture we drew of what our future would look like. I started feeling really, really unsexy. I just couldn’t muster up the enthusiasm to get in the mood and have sex when we had to lay a towel down first. I felt gross. My SO was and is amazing during this time. He was so supportive and tried to make me feel beautiful all the time. If we had to stop because I started bleeding and cramping, we’d wash up in the shower together and he’d just hold me and kiss me and make me feel SO very loved. At a time when I felt disappointment in myself for not being “normal”, he made it so very clear that he loves me any way I am, any state I am in.
I really do understand the frustration you are feeling. What your DH needs at the moment is to know that you love him now, as he is. He can’t feel like this is his problem he needs to fix in order to make you happy. I think you guys should focus on sex acts that don’t require an erection. Explore each other’s bodies and play around with what feels good. He probably feels that he has let you down and that’s a terrible feeling. If it’s a confidence thing, I’m willing to bet that once he knows that you love him as he is right now, things will get better. If it’s a medical problem, he’ll need his wife to lean on. I know you are probably feeling some resentment so spend some time thinking about all the qualities he has that made you want to marry him.
Post # 14
all i can say is so sorry – as they say when sex is good it is just a part of the relationship – if its not…then its a BIG part…peace and positive vibes going your way!
Post # 15
- Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort
This is probably mostly psychological. I can be really hard for people who grew up thinking sex was something taboo to transition to being comfortable with sexuality even if they really, really, really want to have sex and are excited about that. He’s spend 25 years telling himself sex is bad in one way or another. Plus, it sounds like your both rather inexperienced with your bodies and the bedroom. Try experimenting with oral sex and foreplay and try taking the pressure off. If he feels like playing around has to lead up to sex, it’s going to be hard for him to build confidence. He’s also not used to maintaining an erection and stimulation is probably a lot for him, hence the premature ejaculation. Some oral sex, especially where you back off sometimes as he starts to get excited, and some masturbation will help him get used to controlling himself when aroused.
Post # 16
OK well technically he CAN get it up. He just can’t keep it up. This is actually good news!! The fact that its not a physical prblem is great! I agree with PP and think this is all in his head. He’s nervous and worrying about his past not so great performance. Honestly, I would suggest therapy. I think this is bigger than either of you realize. Plenty of people go to sex therapist, they just don’t talk about it.