(Closed) Married 2 months and my hubby is impotent

posted 8 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 17
Member
3355 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I’m sorry that you’re going through this, but your being disappointed with this isn’t helping him – especially if he can sense it. More than likely it’s performance anxiety and knowing that he’s not pleasing you is definitely contributing to the problem.

Post # 18
Member
5950 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

This can all be summed up with three words:

Nerves, Nerves and more Nerves!

Before the two of you go crazy banging your heads against the wall because the penis won’t work, try and realize that as inexperienced lovers AND newly weds and people, that first sexual experience is scary as Hell anyway, much less so because most of us weren’t juiced up from a lifetime of anticipation, the stress of a wedding AND the fact that this is the love of your life….geez, if I were a penis, I would have packed up my balls and run for the hills already…THAT is scary!

You are both healthy people and what this really boils down to is pressure and fear…

If it were me, and I’m sorry it’s you, really I am…I would slow things the hell down and take sex off the menu for a while.  Think about it, making out, heavy petting, a little oral…that’s a nice place to start out, and remember, its supposed to be fun!  Take things slowly and give both of you the opportunity to get comfortable, remember to communicate about it OUTSIDE of the sheets and try to have some fun…things will straighten out realy quick, pun INTENDED.

Good luck!

Post # 19
Member
57 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Oh please don’t feel like your marriage is a mistake. You both married each other for a reason and it’s not all about sex. I’m sure your husband wants nothing to do but please you. It sounds like he is trying his best. Just support him and be patient with the situation. I bet his self-esteem isn’t very high right now and he needs all the caring words he can get. 

It’s the first time for the both of you, it’s not going to be perfect in any way. Take it slow and explore other areas. He may be stressed out about preforming for you? Also, does he take any medication? Sometimes medication can be the issue. Example: inhalers that contain steroids can cause this.

Post # 20
Member
2838 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I will probably be unpopular for my comment…

“As much as I love him, I almost feel like our marriage was a mistake at this point. I don’t want to be in a sex-less marriage. But in our church we believe marriage is forever and divorce isn’t really an option.”

That bothers me a lot.  Because you don’t have awesome sex for two months you want to throw in the towel?  Not cool. There is so much more to marriage than sex and sex shouldn’t be a dealbreaker.  Things could be worse. 

I have to agree with others who say “give him a break” and “back off the sex” for a while and “try doing other sexual things” later.   I think counseling is a good idea. I also think you should be careful not to make him feel bad about himself for having a very embarrassing medical condition – so be careful how you treat him.  Build him up. Love him. Encourage him. Respect him. Be kind to him. Be patient.

Post # 23
Member
8437 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

*HUGS*  Sorry this is happening to you guys, but like other PPs have said, you have to support him through this tough time.  If you got sick and were unable to do something, wouldn’t you want him to support and love you?  Trust me, he’s probably feeling more disappointed than you are.  Try counseling and go slowly, you have the rest of your lives to enjoy each other, there’s no reason to rush it.  Best of luck.

Post # 25
Member
756 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Yeah you just need to wait this out. Neither one of you has any idea what you are doing, and you aren’t going to learn overnight. 

You need to start over from the beginning. Kiss a lot, kiss without clothes on, touch each other, try to have orgasms using hands and mouths only. You need to think of how much more there is to sex than just intercourse. 

This has been built up in your mind for so long, it has to be a psychological thing. If your husband was 60, then fine, but he is 25 years old, it is highly unlikely he has a physical problem. You need to see a sex-positive therapist, and you and your husband both need to learn how to masturbate. Figure out what you like yourself and then you can please each other. 

 

Post # 26
Member
4438 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall

View original reply
@Train87BEE:  

View original reply
@howtobeawife:  

Thank you to both of you, I was reading down all the posts and thinking WOW!  No one is concerned that she regrets her marriage already because of THIS?!

Post # 27
Member
3774 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2004

I think it is amazing that you guys waiting for marriage, good for you.  That being said, at his age, this has to be a anxiety thing.  It will work out.  Just be patient and try new things.  You playing with yourself while he masterbates will probably help because he is getting visual stimulous and physical stimulous.

Post # 28
Member
3696 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I’m sure 2 months feels like forever when you’ve waited for so long to be intimate with someone.  But really – you have your whole lives to get to know each other like that.  Focus on getting to know each other in every other way and back off the sexytime for a while.  Actually, have lots of sexytime but don’t focus on the sex.  Do you let him watch you shower?  Do you walk around the house naked?  Start.  Blow drying your hair naked is super sexy.  Get comfortable with each other. 

It can be really intimidating to have a new partner, whether it’s your first, 3rd, or hundreth.  The poor guy is feeling a lot of pressure.  Once you’re both more comfortable being around each other it may start to come more naturally. 

I might even suggest peeing with the door open.  Crazy, I know – but it’s a level of comfort you have to get to with your spouse.  Shower together – that is SO HOT.  When he’s stressed out, strip down and give him a naked massage.  Don’t ask for anything in return, but if it happens, awesome!  Also, go get yourself some toys.  Let him watch you masturbate, and encourage him to do the same. 

Post # 29
Member
15 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I am sorry to hear this but be proud of yourselfdoor waiting, I am not a sexual person, therefore I have fewer suggestions besides go to counseling, you married him for way more tha sex.  So go talk it out and take some of the ladies suggestions and try them. I don’t know how comfortable you two will be with some, but take it slow, work one area at a time, and try to make fun instead of pressure.  You can do this and overcome this. 

Post # 30
Member
1063 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I agree with the general idea that there’s a lot of pressure and nerves built in. if after 2 months you’re thinking the marriage was a mistake, imagine what he’s thinking?? seeing how the problem is “his fault” (not really, but he prbly takes it like that) imagine all the kinds of ways he’s feeling. Not very sexy, letmedoyouallnight types of ways!

I think giving it a break and seeing a sex therapist would be good. Maybe even just him by himself, so he can talk about his true nerves/fears/whatever. I would do whatever you can to take the pressure OFF for now, and go about your happy married lives. It’s not forever, it’s just for now. I’m also interested in if his masturbation is ‘successful’ so to speak, because that’d be a good sign. I’m curious too, you didn’t have sex before.. but did you used to kiss or anything or would he get erect then? This would be a good sign too. I would try to get back to your natural relationship that you were both happy with, whatever that was, and try to add the sex and little more slowly w/ less pressure. Good luck! Must be very frustrating and concerning! But it seems like this isn’t a permanent problem at least! Best wishes to you!

Post # 31
Member
1344 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

Well, you abstained before marriage, and things were going well enough for you to marry him, so I guess I don’t see why you’re being so quick now to say that it feels like a mistake. Your relationship was healthy before sex, so things are pretty much the exact same as they were before, but now you feel like the marriage is a mistake? Am I missing something? In MY opinion, sex is part of most healthy relationships, but if your relationship was great before, I guess i’m not seeing why you’ve been thinking it’s a mistake. I get that you want that part of your relationship now that you’re married, but 2 months really isn’t long at all, especially for an aspect of your relationship you were previously happy without.

There are other options, like nasal spray but as others have said it sounds psychological. There are specialists that work on issues like theses, i’d look into seeing one.

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