(Closed) Married 2 months and my hubby is impotent

posted 8 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 35
Member
4438 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall

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@Lovemelovemyhorses:  +1

You don’t just casually talk about your marriage being a mistake, OP.

Post # 36
Member
194 posts
Blushing bee

I just want to send lots of encouragement your way, OP.  My husband and I were “waiters” as well, and we had quite the time trying to figure things out.  First, I had an incredibly difficult time with penetration (even though I was SO excited and ready for it!), and then he had a difficult time finishing.  It took us several months and lots of nights full of wine and romance and experimenting before we started to really get in the swing of things.

Try to relax — I know it is disappointing for things not to be “magical” right away, but they will get there.  You guys have trained your bodies to be without sex for a long time, so it takes a while to get the body revved and going (even though you are probably ready in every other way!). 

Post # 37
Member
1092 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

It must have been difficult for you to be looking forward to something so exciting and didn’t turn out the way you anticipated. Try to be patient with him, he’s at least seeking a dr’s advise, counceling and willing to please you in other ways. Thats very positive.

I’m glad you came here for support and advise and can vent a bit. There were a few things in your post that concerns me “I feel like I almost resent him for it” and “I almost feel like our marriage was a mistake at this point”. I know you’re upset and frustrated but and don’t believe you truly don’t mean them. I’m sure it came sooner than you expected but your marriage is being tested with the commitment of the vow “For better or worse “. In the next 50 or 60 years there will be tough times when you do might question if you can handle the “For worse” but when you remind yourself that he’s more than a sexual partner.

For me and my husband our sex life has it’s high and low points. There are times when one of us are going through something where we don’t have the desire (surgery, medication, work schedule) but I say to myself “I’d rather have the loving handsome husband I have and the way he treats me than 24/7 of hot monkey sex”.

 

Post # 38
Member
4655 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

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@atlbride2013:  :-/ I feel terrible for thinking that first thing too…

But anyway…

A medical doctor should be his first stop. He needs to be honest, has he ever had this issue when he was uh… alone? Taking care of himself? How was his sex drive as far as he knows in the past?

If they don’t find anything wrong, a head doctor is next.

In the meanwhile, he ought to be working to make sure you are fully satisfied (hands/mouth/toys/whatever you like) regardless of what his junk will or won’t do, as a show of good faith. If my ladyparts were out of order on a regular basis for some reason I know I’d be doing the same for Fiance.

Post # 39
Member
2432 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

If he’s experiencing nocturnal erections (which it sounds like from your post he is), he’s experiencing psychological issues related to sexual activity.

Seek therapy, and be willing to engage in plenty of foreplay. Ask him what he likes, maybe you’ll figure out a few things to do differently from the beginning so that he’s able to engage in intercourse longer. 

A qualified therapist will provide you with a ton of helpful suggestions in calming his anxiety in the bedroom. 

Post # 41
Member
42 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@hhaze – As a newlywed Christian who also waited and has not had the easiest time sexually, I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. i get the dissapointment. I love my husband to the moon and back, but sometimes I wish there had been a warning label or something for what was to come! Haha. Nevertheless, I AM so glad that I didn’t “test drive”, because to be perfectly honest, I am confident that my husband and I are better people for working through this, and it is making our relationship stronger, and my faith stronger. We do not believe in divorce, and would never consider it. Instead, we are committed to loving eachother through the hard times. And, even if I knew this would happen before hand, I would still have married him. But still, as I said earlier, maybe a warning label or something would have been nice. 😉

As for advice, I don’t think you have explictly stated what religion you are, but if you are open to faith and Christian undertones I would highly (HIGHLY!) recommend the book “The Gift of Sex” by Clifford and Joyce Penner. (I think you can get it for like $12 on Amazon.) It is a book about finding, creating and understanding healthy sexuality (including building self confidence, a whole chapter on ED, and many other problems you mention here!) and it has helped my husband and I with our sexuality, and it is a book that I recommend to clients of faith…. as I have a career as a Marriage and Family Therpist as well. I would also recommend going to see a counselor when you feel ready…. but perhaps that book can help you open up the conversation in the mean time.

Stay strong!

Post # 43
Member
2874 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@hhaze:  the problem in situations like this is that it can become a vicious circle. Nerves make it hard to get an erection, the stress of not getting an erection makes the guy nervous (and wondering if ti will be better next time) and so on and so on

The best thing to do is to be as supportive as you can and hide disappointment. Like pp says… take penatrative sex out of the equation for a little bit. Be intimate in other ways – massage, kissing, petting…with no pressure that it has to go anywhere. Same with oral.

Its hard that sex hasnt been all you dreamt of, but even without this in the equation it can take some time for a couple to get comfortable with each other and learn about each others bodys. 

A lot of men who arent experienced come very quickly at the beginning…its all about learning control and mutual satisfaction. so i wouldnt worry about that, it should get better in time with a bit of practice.

good luck!

Post # 44
Member
4687 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY

I can say almost for certain it’s psychological. Same thing happened to my man. He was just feeling too much pressure- the more he thought about it, the less he could get it up! Then, he was fine! I’m sure this issue will work itself out!!

Post # 45
Member
1152 posts
Bumble bee

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@atlbride2013:  You should hate to be the one to say that. That’s really rude, to degrade someone’s decision like that – especially in this case, where it seems to have been a religious choice. Have some respect for others’ beliefs.

OP, I’m waiting as well and still engaged so I don’t have any great wisdom to share. Just keep trying, keep working on your marriage as if it was any other common relationship problem. 2 months is not that long, in the “forever” scheme of things. Looks like the other bees know what they’re talking about and that it’s not going to be a permanent problem. Chin up, you’ll get it worked out. 🙂

Post # 46
Member
2447 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

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@gangqinjia:  CHILL. No one is degrading anyone’s decision. Did I say “OP, how dare you stay a virgin?!” All I did was state that things like this can be avoided and then mentioned that it’s likely psychological for her hubby. That’s my personal opinion that when you’re thinking of spending forever with someone you should see how compatible you are in and outside of the bedroom. I truly feel for the OP- I can’t imagine what it would be like to marry the man of your dreams and have something like sex keep you from enjoying your marriage. I think that some religions demonize sex (a natural human act) and it’s horrible and a crying shame – no one is more special or holier because they refrained from having sex. I’m allowed to express my opinion, just like you’re allowed to express yours. 

Post # 47
Member
1152 posts
Bumble bee

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@atlbride2013:  That makes more sense and sounds more tolerant. Thank you.

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