- 7 years ago
Regular bee going anon on this one. Title says it all. I was up in the middle of the night, thinking/crying about it, and woke my husband up. I didn’t want to tell him what was wrong but he is expecting me to explain myself tonight. I don’t know what to say.
My husband is someone who does things very much at his own pace and you can’t hurry him up without causing him all sorts of stress. And when he is stressed, he’s liable just to scrap an entire plan rather than deal with the stress. And he also lives in his own world so unless you tell him you need him to do something, he won’t ever figure it out. This caused a lot of resentment early on in our relationship because I felt like I was doing the bulk of the housework. We’ve had multiple conversations about it but I still feel like I do everything – planning what we’re having for dinner, dealing with a wrong bill from the cable company, figuring out how we’re going to pay for a vacation – and he has a reason for why I have to deal with all of it – I’m the one that cares about cooking, I’m the one that cares about the wrong bill, I’m the one that wants to go on vacation. I know a lot of household chores get split up like this – you care so you do it. I’ve come to terms with it but I wished I had married someone who cared about these things.
We had a four month engagement (after four years of dating) and about halfway through I realized I should’ve slowed down and reconsidered. I picked out my own ring because he told me it would be too stressful for him to figure it out. I chose a $600 ring thinking he would save money for a house down payment. Instead, a few weeks later, he spent $3000 on a junk car for him to fix up. I received the bare minimum proposal too – I told him I wanted one and wanted to be taken someone nice to dinner. So I was taken somewhere nice to dinner. The end. He told me it was too stressful for him to do anything else. We’ve had a series of fights about this lately and he realizes this is something he should have taken more initiative on but it is equally my fault for not making that more specific to him. I now realize I should’ve demanded more of him but that moment is over and I’m still kicking myself over it.
We’re starting to look at houses now, a few months before he had planned, and we found one that is close to what we want, but with a few drawbacks. Yesterday, he was ready to give up on the whole thing because he didn’t want to deal with the drawbacks. It annoyed me how I feel like I always have to be the one to push things forward. Talking about house also brings up a lot of baby talk (how many rooms do we need, do we need to live in a good school distrcit, etc) Growing up, I always pictured myself as a mom but the longer I’m with him, I realize that having children is just a stupid life choice in my situation, I married a man who is not a good partner to have children with. If the baby were to start crying in the middle of the night, I would be the one to get up because it would bother me first. Children are messy, unpredictable, stressful creatures. His solution to dealing with those situations is to check out. Ironically, he is the one that wants children. To me, this is a disaster that is waiting to happen.
I’m not considering divorce, I was crying last night because I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that I chose a husband who in many ways is not a compatible life partner. I don’t expect him to change, I’ve known what type of person he was for the last four years but I think it is just now that I realize how final it is. Obviously it would be damaging to our relationship to tell him, ‘I was crying last night because I realized maybe I shouldn’t have married you.’ Bees, help me with how to steer the conversation. I actually feel a lot better about the situation now, after a few more hours of sleep, but I know it’s not going to be an easy time tonight.