(Closed) married 2 months and starting to think it was bad decision

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
5046 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

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trytobeeanon:  So are you for sure going to get a divorce? I always suggest trying counseling first. And then if things don’t improve, yes, you are better off not living the next 70 years like this. It’s too bad you didn’t have this epiphany before the wedding. Would’ve been way easier…

Post # 3
Member
8489 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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trytobeeanon:  “I’m not considering divorce, I was crying last night because I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that I chose a husband who in many ways is not a compatible life partner. I don’t expect him to change, I’ve known what type of person he was for the last four years but I think it is just now that I realize how final it is.” — What? How old are you, and you’re already throwing in the towel on LIFE? You’re ready to say “Guess I’m just going to be miserable for the next 50 years or so”? Because you’re right, he is not going to change. But you’re also not going to suddenly be ok with this. You know how they say “90% of the things you argue about now are the same things you’ll be arguing about in 20 years”? IT IS TRUE!!! I’ve been married almost 20 years, together for over 20 years, and it is absolutely true. So make sure the things you’re agruing about are things you can still live HAPPILY with for 20, 30, 50 years. Doing all the domestic stuff because he “doesn’t care” about food or paying for some stranger’s pay-per-views would not cut it with me. I’m sure a bunch of people are going to advise “couples counselling!” but that will not change someone’s core personality. Sorry you’re realizing this after the wedding instead of before, but I’d cut bait now rather than after the house and kids.

Post # 4
Member
95 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

So maybe ask yourself why you fell in love with him in the first place.   If you can’t think of 3 reasons right away, I would really think about if you are going to have resentment towards him because of his so called “stress”.  Remember it’s your life also, and you need to he happy to make the marriage work. Would talking to him work? What about counseling? 

Post # 5
Member
862 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I’m not considering divorce, I was crying last night because I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that I chose a husband who in many ways is not a compatible life partner. I don’t expect him to change, I’ve known what type of person he was for the last four years but I think it is just now that I realize how final it is.

You say you feel a lot better about the situation now that you’ve gotten some sleep. But it seems like you resent him and it sounds like it goes way back. You aren’t considering divorce, but have mentioned multiple times in your post that you chose a life partner with whom you are incompatible with. It sounds like you really aren’t happy, and I don’t think I would be in your situation either. I really think you should reconsider this marriage, because I think that as more time passes, you will only resent him more and continue to regret your decision to marry him. Was he like this when you were dating?

Post # 6
Member
117 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

Ugh, I’m sorry you’re in this situation. I would try counseling but people don’t just change unless they really want to. It’s very important to do what’s best for you – don’t stay married if you’re miserable. When you talk to him, suggest counseling. If he doesn’t want to put in the work, I think you should consider divorce. 

Post # 7
Member
476 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

This is how you steer the conversation.  

“I’ve been struggling since we got married.  I love you and I want our marriage to be the best it can be.  I know who you are and how you react in stressful situations, but I feel like I don’t have a partner in life and that is what a marriage means.  A partnership.  I think we need to go to counselling to become a better team.  I’m not asking you to change and I don’t think I need to change either.  I think we just need to put in the work to become a better team.  I hope you are willing to put in this work with me, otherwise I am going to rethink our marriage and our partnership.  I deserve to have someone not only love me but help me through life.  I chose you and you chose me.  I feel like I have been helping you get through life a lot lately and I want to make sure that I feel equally supported. I think counselling can help us become stronger.  I don’t think we are broken because nothing huge has changed.  I am just realizing what I need out of a marriage and I apologize for not communicating that sooner, but now that we have been married a couple of months I am recognizing certain needs.  I am so happy to meet your needs, but I need to feel like you are willing to meet my needs as well.”

I hope this helps!

Post # 8
Member
862 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

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RedHeadKel:  She said she is not considering divorce, although everything in her post points to that being a logical next step.

Post # 9
Member
524 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

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trytobeeanon:  You need to for sure talk to him and try couseling together. Tell him straight up you’ve been stressed recently and don’t feel as though you two are on the same page about the future. Maybe a counselor for just him as well? Sounds like he may have mild depression or anxiety. If none of this works, it may be time to say goodbye because you aren’t happy in this relationship as it is now.

Post # 10
Member
1075 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I think couple’s counseling and therapy for him are in order. You can’t live life constantly stressed about routine things most people experience … is it possible he has general anxiety?

I think that if you aren’t honest tonight then you are doing yourself a disservice. Be clear that divorce isn’t on the table for you right now, but you aren’t happy and it scares you that the rest of your life might be like this.

I would hate it if my husband told me that he were unhappy with me and didn’t have suggestions for how I could help the situation, so my recommendation would be to come up with a short list of things he could try if he asks how he can fix it. The number one thing I see from your post is anticipating your wants/needs without being specifically told to do something – it shows that he is being thoughtful and considerate and makes you feel valued and appreciated.

“You care about food so you cook.” That would drive me insane! I do 100% of the cooking and meal planning but my husband is so grateful every single day for it! Can you select a few tasks specifically that you want help with – and don’t take “well you are the only one who cares about it” as an excuse. Unless he wants to live in a filthy frat house, he has to do chores he isn’t passionate about.

Post # 11
Member
692 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2015 - Family Farm

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trytobeeanon:  You made a bad choice and you aren’t happy. Now what are you going to do? Really, you’re going to give up on children and motherhood, something you admit you have always wanted because you picked a man that isn’t compatible? Really?! So what when you’re 60 you think he won’t have changed but you will miraculously be ok with never having had children?

You’re 2 months in. You need to seek counselling. Both indivdually and couples.

I dated a couple guys who would rather bury their heads than deal with life. Guss where they are now? One is living with their parents and the other is living with his parents WITH his wife and 2 kids, working the same dead end job, and the wife goes crying to my best friend about how he never changed and she thought he would. (side note, that conversation did not go well for wife)

They don’t change on their own and you can’t change them. Either cut and run or buckle down for a nice long battle with a heavy helping of therapy.

I cut and ran. Worked out better for me. My husband discusses everything with me. All are finances, we share household chores and the cooking. I found a great team mate.

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 8 months ago by Olgarie.
Post # 12
Member
2202 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas

Everyone makes mistakes. There is no way you want to feel this way for the rest of your life. There is no shame in cutting your losses and separating now. It will feel like there is at first, but you will be SO much happier in time. 

Post # 13
Member
522 posts
Busy bee

Sit him down,  and make a list of what tasks need to be done each week.  Tell him you are feeling overwhelmed being the one with the bulk amount of chores and starting to feel resentful and uneven in your relationship.  Ask him to pick X amount of house chores to take on (bill paying,  bathroom cleaning,  dish washing,  laundry,  trash removal,  etc)  and a time line of when you need these things to be done(Tuesday evening by 6, or every Thursday can you commit to cooking dinner?  etc) .  Delegate a few tasks with his input and commit yourself to not nagging about it and not doing it for him.  I think you guys definitly need some counseling if he gets that stressed that easily.  I don’t think this is a deal breaker per say but there are issues (your resentment of being the only one ‘present’  his aversion to any form of stress,  bad communication over who needs to do what,  etc)  that need to be worked through

Post # 14
Member
140 posts
Blushing bee

Well, from what you write, I don’t think this is anything you can’t work out.

I’m married to someone who doesn’t take initiative on things that he himself doesn’t care about. Honestly, at this point in our marriage, I see this at a plus: it forces me to *take responsibility* for my own life and my own values. I get the impression that you’re too big on ‘partnership’ and too short on being your own person. Like, you could totally take a vacation by yourself if you wanted! You can’t expect him to change his housekeeping preferences to yours, anymore than you should change yours to his! He could just as easily write what you wrote, saying that he expected a “life partner” who didn’t have so many demands and just went with the flow and did their own thing more. 

It sounds like – surprise! – you both have major flaws, like everybody does. You’re only two months in – that’s the time when you can expect big surprises and big questions and, if you play it right, an awful lot of personal growth. If you play it wrong, you’re in for a lot of fault finding and blaming and unhappiness. 

Out of curiousity, what are his best traits, like the ones you fell in love with?

Post # 15
Member
320 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2000

Does he have some kind of mental disorder? Or is “stress” just a cop-out for him having to be an adult? Because the answer to that would determine my next step.

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