(Closed) married 2 months and starting to think it was bad decision

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 31
Member
692 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2015 - Family Farm

View original reply
MrsA44:  Disagree. Some HUMANS are lazy and appathetic. Men are not that different. My husband does do things with out asking. And as far as having to tell someone EXACTLY how to do something, that’s more of a control issue. If my DH folds the towels in a way I never would, I don’t say “Ugh. I guess I need to tell you exactly how to do everything.” No. It means he folds differently. He folded them though and that’s the point.

Being lazy isn’t a MAN thing. It’s a lazy HUMAN thing.

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 8 months ago by Olgarie.
Post # 32
Member
1191 posts
Bumble bee

My husband has a very stressful job, plus he travels out of the country regularly. The kinds of things he deals with every day are things that I KNOW I couldn’t manage regularly…. so it’s not that I don’t acknowledge how difficult stress is and how it impacts people.

that being said…. your dh doesn’t sound like he can handle basic life situations. You sound like you are taking care of a child who doesn’t know how to interact in the world, not a grown man.  I’d get outta there fast, bee.

Post # 33
Member
692 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2015 - Family Farm

View original reply
Daisy_Mae:  The making dinner and laundry thing. I DID THIS! I strated only cooking for myself and washing my own clothes! It worked great! Granted working great for me was him leaving and me getting my house back and moving on and up with my life.

Conversations went like this – Where are my work clothes? I don’t have any clean. “Weird. I have clean clothes. Huh? Maybe you should wash them yourself.”

What’s for dinner? “Brussel Sprouts.” You know I hate brussle sprouts. “Strange. I love them.” *continues watching TV*

Post # 34
Member
924 posts
Busy bee

It’s shocking how many people are still buying into the *men are wired differently and don’t know that they need to clean up after themselves. They honestly just don’t think about it*.

No people. No. That is not what is happening there. What is happening is, they got used to someone else doing it for them somewhere along the line and they just assume someone will keep doing it for them forever and ever amen. These are men who were raised farting around in the garage with dad while their sisters did the dishes and baked with mommy. These are boys who had the kid-sized play workbench while their sisters got the play kitchen. These are guys who got hotwheels and legos while their sisters got the doll babies and play dishes. See the pattern?!?!?!? 

They aren’t wired differently, they were conditioned differently. Which is a huge disservice to whoever ends up marrying them, as we’ve seen over and over and over on these boards. Regardless, stop making excuses for them!!! This is not some physiological difference that prevents them from understanding that the bowl you shit in everyday probably needs cleaning now and then. If a man doesn’t know that it isn’t because of his wiring. If he doesn’t know that it’s becasue he doesn’t want to know that. Period. It is feigned ignorance. It is willful denial. It is *I don’t like doing that because it’s gross and not fun so I’m just going to ignore it and hope that fairies come in the middle of the night and do all this shit for me. Or better yet, a wife or girlfriend!*.  And they are usually so fucking invested in denying the existence of the icky stuff they don’t want to do, that they can’t even risk thanking you profusely for doing the shit they don’t want to do. Better to pretend that none of it is happening at all ever. And be all clueless and bewildered when you crack on them about it because didn’t you know? They have a penis. And their penis is admittedly awesome and mighty and full of power and just look at it! But it has one weakness and that is, it blocks all signals to the brain when it comes to basic household chores. Bummer. But there it is. Nothing to be done about it. They might be able to *help* you now and then, if you ask or remind them or make them a chore-chart with gold stars or promise to do things to aforementioned peen in exchange, but that’s about it. Sorry not sorry.

ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Post # 35
Member
273 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

View original reply
trytobeeanon:  You can work on this with your husband. It will take time and will probably result in some more tears because it is a tough situation. I say this because my husband used to act in a similar way, and say the exact same thing – “It’s important to YOU, not me, so YOU do it”. I remember how his words used to crush me to the core.

Have many honest conversations. Some of his attitude may be from habits growing up, some of it may be laziness, some from lack of awareness, etc. Figure out what is important to him but more importantly to you as a married couple and talk about ways to even out both of your desires. I also encourage you both to read the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.

I did this with my husband, and spoke with our pastor. My husband has changed SO much and has been making more efforts to be considerate of my wants and takEd the initiative on household tasks. I am also more in tune with his needs and his feelings. 

I applaud you for not having a throwing in the towel attitude, and for wanting to seek out advice. I would start out the conversation with “I was feeling overwhelmed last night and it gotten to be too much. I can’t do all of this on my own and I feel alone.” See how he responds and see if you can get him to volunteer to step up. 

Post # 36
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: July 2015

View original reply
interchangeable:  I’ve been a long time lurker and made an account to specifically say thank you!

I really wish more women would realize this! 

Post # 37
Member
924 posts
Busy bee

And for gods sakes ladies, do the world a favor and give your sons doll babies and play kitchens and fisher-price vaccum cleaners. Raise your kids to clean up after themselves, not sisters cleaning up after brothers. Train them to look around and think about what needs to be done for basic household upkeep. Send sister to the garage with dad and send brother into the bathroom with the toilet brush. 

Post # 39
Member
1552 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

View original reply
trytobeeanon:  DON’T BUY A HOUSE! You two have too much to talk about before getting a house. Seek counsling and work on your relationship. DO NOT buy a house until you two have decided if this is the relationship you want.

Post # 40
Member
3664 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

I couldn’t be more bored with the, “men are different. Men don’t get it. Men are creatures women have to navigate around because…men.” Men are people. A man who doesn’t communicate is a man who doesn’t communicate. His lack of communication is not connected to his having a penis. It’s an excuse used to justify whatever undesirable behavior they’re exhibiting.

That aside, bee, as difficult as the conversation will be, you have to be honest. Nothing is gained by dancing around how you really feel. You could be underestimating him. After learning how you truly feel he might actually make more of an effort. It’s also possible he won’t and this is the life you can expect to live if you remain married to him. But the first, uncomfortable step is just starting off with, telling him honestly why you were crying.

Post # 41
Member
4113 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

View original reply
MrsA44:  Men are not wired differently. Get your shit together.. Men are people, just like women.

The men who ‘magically’ do everything you want without being told are the ones who aren’t douchebags who take advantage of the fact that someone is going to pick up after them all day, every day.

Somehow my household functions just fine without me writing out a list of chores for my grown ass husband to do.. Maybe he’s just wired differently then all of the other men who are wired differently? Fuck that.

 

Post # 42
Member
648 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

View original reply
interchangeable:  +1000  hahahaha! you should be a relationship therapist. 

but seriously, OP, you shouldn’t “accept” that he just isn’t going to be bothered contibuting anything because he doesn’t notice or care. he literally doesn’t care and you’re letting him get away with it. i mean, if you want to try to continue your marriage, then you should definitely start with therapy or counseling. but you should also consider the fact that a lot of this will be THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

or, maybe, you try “checking out” and seeing where that goes. make or pick-up dinner just for yourself because he didn’t call you and tell you what he wanted and it stressed you out to try to figure it out, don’t pay the cable bill that month because you got the wrong bill and straightening out was stressful, or you just didn’t care…etc. i mean, he literally isn’t lifting a finger but rather just bumbles through based on instructions you give him – propose now, propose here, do this, do that… that’s nuts & he’s nuts thinking he can get through life like that. 

Post # 43
Member
244 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

View original reply
MrsA44: This sounds like an awful life to sign up for. I don’t want to be a parent, so I’m not having kids. I sure as HELL am not going to baby my husband.

Post # 44
Member
826 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Couseling may help…  Does your husband have anxiety attacks at all, perhaps he has an anxiety disorder, which medicine and cognitive behavior therapy can help.  I say this every relationship is different and it doesnt make him a bad person, he may need help. 

Having said that the first year of marriage can be the most difficult as you become one, if you think your marriage is worth it then have a serious talk with your husband and the TWO of you share and come up with a plan together. 

I know two couples where the husband has panic disorder and they have similar situations to yours, the wives have learned how to work within that and still love their spouses and receive and appreciate love from them.  They are great guys deserving of love.

Good luck to you and yours….. 

The topic ‘married 2 months and starting to think it was bad decision’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors