(Closed) married 2 months and starting to think it was bad decision

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 46
Member
4113 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

View original reply
interchangeable:  You’re on a roll, and oh so correct! Keep it up!

Its seriously sad that women buy the whole men are wired differently bullshit. If I had to write a chore list (or anything of the like) for my husband, he wouldn’t be my husband. I’m not in a relationship to babysit or play mom.

OP, I’m not sure why divorce is not an option. You’ve identified that this man is not a compatible partner for you. Also that you do not want to have children with him.. What’s the point of remaining married if you do not think you’re compatible with him?! At a minimum, I suggest therapy.. Clearly speaking to him is not an option because he’s not mature enough to communicate properly.

Post # 47
Member
1113 posts
Bumble bee

There’s some really great advice in this thread, and maybe her man is a dud, but I see some really super extreme crap going on in here.

So many of you are acting like asking your husbands/SO’s/whatever’s to please do the dishes is taking so much time and effort out of your day.  I ask my Fiance to vacuum, and you know what he says? HE SAYS SURE.  Now I’m sure I could have chosen a lazy dud who flipped me the bird and said no way, but fact of the matter is (man or not), some people just need reminding.  Is it really that hard for you guys to ask someone to do something?  Like seriously?  For all my Fiance does for us and our home, asking him to do the dishes please is the least of my worries and complaints.

I’m willing to bet many of us are guilty of the same crap, unless we’re all perfect little fairies who zip around and do all the housework perfectly on time.  I got lazy with folding laundry, honestly.  My Fiance kindly asked me if I could please keep up on the laundry as he was actually doing heavy lifting with a lot of other things in the home.  Guess what?  I realized I was being completely unfair and lazy.  I now pitch in my fair share.

Nobody is perfect.   Now if my Fiance was ok living in filth, or said “screw you” when I said “let’s do chores today”, that’s a bad man.  But asking a man to please help with the chores?  Not a big freaking deal.  It takes two seconds and it will get done if you didn’t pick a crappy guy.  

So many perfect angels in this thread.  Making a list of “to do’s” that we need to accomplish is not even CLOSE to “being a mom”.  My Fiance and I bring different things to the table.  He doesn’t always have the necessities together.  I do.  We went to therapy shortly after becoming engaged, and my therapist suggested I just ASK my Fiance to participate in the things that are important to me.  IT WORKED!  I have a loving man who now knows what’s important to me and that he was quite frankly lazy with, and shockingly, it’s all pretty much fine now.  I don’t understand why communicating your needs is so awful.   

At this rate, I shouldn’t be marrying him because I have to make a reminder list for when he takes the dog to the vet for what she needs checked.  

You guys are harsh.

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 8 months ago by doglover89.
Post # 48
Member
557 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

You guys all just went crazy and took everything I said the wrong way.

 

I wasn’t at all implying the woman is expected to do ALL chores and must only ask the husband for help since the chores are only her responsibility but at this point the OP isn’t going to get a divorce and she needs to be able to sit down with her spouse and say, “I’m really unhappy with the way things are being handled and I can’t do all the house work by myself.” If she can’t have this conversation with her husband for fear of acting like his mom then this relationship is more messed up than anyone knows. She needs to figure out what chores are a priority and then they both need to sit down and decide how that will get taken care of because at this point, she’s doing all of it and he’s gladly letting her. He may not even notice if the floor is vacuumed but she wants the floor to be vacuumed 3x a week and that’s a priority for her then she should be able to ask him for help getting it done.

 

OP is NOT considering divorce so she needs to learn how to get the things she wants done, done. That means she needs to ASK her husband to help her around the house.

For example….My mom drinks out of the water cooler every single day. When it’s empty she notices immediately and will make a comment like, “I wish the water cooler was refilled.” Hoping my dad will refill it. He will miss the comment completely and won’t do it until she asks him, “Will you refill the water cooler.” He doesn’t notice the water cooler is empty because he doesn’t drink out of it.

If OP wants help doing things she needs to tell her husband to help her directly instead of hoping he will read her mind and he’ll just get off his lazy ass and do them.

OR she could just lay around all day and not do the chores and see if he notices. But it seems easier to just ask the lazy husband to get up and do what needs to be done. She also needs to stop doing all his laundry and cooking every meal. I’m pretty sure he will eventually see that he actually DOES care about those things. He has no reason to care when OP just does everything he needs done.

 

As for men and woman….they are different. One has a penis. One has a vagina. Their brains are different. They think differently. That doesn’t mean that men are automatically wired NOT to do chores. Ya’ll took that one wayyyyyy out of context. It means that men are straightforward thinkers. Woman are more complicated emotionally. Have any of you ever read about male and female brains? This stuff is science. I get the whole “I Can do anything you can do better. I can do anything better than you, I am woman” mentality. Gender equality and all that. But scientific facts are scientific facts. Men don’t think the same way that woman do.

Add in the love language thing….people have different love languages. Seems to me like this girls love language is probably acts of service and her husbands is NOT. Some men are GREAT at doing housework. They show love in that way. Some men show love through physical touch, or kind words, or quality time. Not every person shows love the same way.

 

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 8 months ago by MrsA44.
Post # 49
Member
557 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

View original reply
doglover89:  yes thank you

It’s like asking your man to take out the trash instead of thinking he will just SEE the trash and immediately take it out is a SIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 8 months ago by MrsA44.
Post # 50
Member
1188 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

View original reply
doglover89:  Haha your post cracked me up.  I’m now picturing my husband flipping me off when I asked him to vacuum this weekend.  I don’t think it’s a crazy thing that two people might have different levels of what they consider clean or what chores they think need to be done right away – the point is that in a marriage, you should be able to talk about it like adults and split up what needs to be done or otherwise work it out.

Post # 51
Member
1113 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
MrsA44:  AMEN! Seriously, women (and men, but we are mostly women here) can be so freaking unfair, and we don’t realize it because honestly it’s perpetuated that everyone should know what we are thinking, our men should be “on” at all times, should do the housework exactly as we all want it done, etc etc.

It does NOT work that way.  Some people probably get “lucky” in finding a partner who has the same. exact. housekeeping skills that they do, but rarely does that happen.  It’s give and take, and it’s really nothing to be pissy about unless your husband is not contributing at all and not listening to your concerns.  I find MOST of the time (a lot on this board, also) IRL when women are complaining like this, they haven’t even asked.  They just huff around all pissy.

If it’s so hard to ask your husband to pitch in, you’re kind of lame and lazy yourself in your relationship.

FYI, I think it’s different if he is disrespectful about it or is just plain condescending.  90% of the time though I’d say this habit comes out in dating/living together before marriage.  A lot of us will stick our heads in the sand, or our fingers in our ears and go “LA LA LA LA” and hope marriage will make him a cleaning magician who can also read our minds and take us to romantic dinners on Friday nights.  It’s not hard to ask.  My Fiance has asked many things of me in our relationship, and most of the time it’s easy to fulfill because I love him, want to make him happy, and it’s completely fair.  He does the same.

Post # 52
Member
1113 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
Kaymar:  LOL.  But that’s woman’s work!

Post # 53
Member
924 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

View original reply
interchangeable:  Yes and no to your comment. I agree they are conditioned vs. wired differently. I’m living with a bit of a momma’s boy who doesn’t notice the messy counter as quickly as I do.

BUT if I say “could you please vacuum and sweep today” he does it. without fail. “pick up these things from the store” they are in the fridge when I get home, so I feel less bad about doing things like laundry and cleaning the bathroom, because I know if I ask for help I’ll get it.

OP, time to lay down the law a bit, councelling is good, but he needs to appreciate you are not his mommy, you’re his wife, and your life together is going to be full of difficult decisions that you will hurtle toward at the speed of light with no chance to turn back because he’s anxious about them. That’s just how it is, you need to make that clear, and he needs to grow up.

do NOT sacrifice your dreams of having kids. 

Post # 55
Member
924 posts
Busy bee

Calm your tits people. There is a huge difference between *communicating your needs* or *requesting something* and blatantly disregarding everything required in running a household and only doing it if someone pokes you, prods you, reminds you or rewards you. Big. Difference. 

Yes, I ask/remind my husband about a, b, c. But you know what? I don’t have to poke him to cook every night or stop at the grocery store to get whatever he needs to cook every night because that is our division and he takes full responsiblity for it without a chart. Shocking!!

ETA: Just like they don’t need to be reminded or nagged to get up every day to go to work, they shouldn’t need reminding to *work* around the house. Because that is just as much their *job* as the paying one they do outside of the house. When they see the household crap as your *job* and they will *help you out now and then if you need it* that is when you are reinforcing that looking after the home is not their *job*.

Having slack days or periods now and again from burn-out is not what we are talking about here people!!! We’re talking about behaving as though men are somehow physiologically different in the *noticing what needs to be done* area. They aren’t. They don’t notice what needs to be done because they don’t have to!!! Other people have been doing all the noticing for them so they no longer bother. 

Do the entire world a favor and STOP REINFORCING THAT SHITTY SHITTY *YOU JUST DON’T NOTICE BECAUSE YOU HAVE A PENIS* GARBAGE.

Post # 56
Member
924 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

View original reply
interchangeable:  lol, that’s a lot of bold and caps for someone who started the post saying “calm your tits”

I agree with you, I promise, Communication is not the same thing as taking responsibility only when passive aggressively (or aggressively) harrassed. Your points are coming across a bit “we automatically split things 50/50 without ever needing to discuss it” though, which I think is the confusing bit. I’m sure at some point you said “hey! Vacuum!” and he said “OK!” and has now vacuumed like a god damned champion ever since, does dishes and realizes when you’re out of milk. 

I don’t think thats men vs. women, I think that’s just growing up and changing your expectations of what it means to be an adult.

OP needs to communicate effectively (Which I don’t think is happening) and expecting more until she’s happier with her homelife.

Post # 57
Member
6582 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

I don’t really see this as a man vs woman thing, but more as a lack of respect for your partnership.  And it’s not about who did what chore specifically, but sharing the load in general. Most good partners would be happy to lighten their partner’s load. And while I think you both should go to couples counseling, he is more in need of help. If everything stresses him out then he is not functioning on a basic level. 

Post # 58
Member
924 posts
Busy bee

Yeah well of course we had the discussions (which in our case were suprisingly few) about who likes to do what and how we would divy shit up. Our discussions were few because we are one of the fortunate couples who had oppostite likes/dislikes/skills so the division was pretty straight forward. We also check in now and then with a simple *you still good about the chore division? Because we can revisit it* and so far our responses have been *No! I’m perfectly happy the way things are going. You?* *yeah, I’m good too!*    We have all the basic stuff decided and the rest we decide jointly as it comes up. 

And we also thank each other regularly for what the other does. Yes, he is just doing his share by doing all the cooking. But I thank him for every meal for that delicious dinner because I appreciate the heck out of the fact that he is good at it, enjoys it and feeds me everynight without fail. He thanks me all the time for everything from *I sure do appreciate opening my drawer and having clean socks and underwear* to *It sure is awesome to get into a made bed every night*.  

Because not forcing your mate to force you is a beautiful thing.

Post # 59
Member
8486 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

So we’ve confirmed then:

  1. Some people don’t like nagging and see it as a problem if they have to
  2. Some people like to nag and see no problem having to do so
  3. Some people are great adults and don’t need nagging
  4. Some people don’t want to adult on their own and need someone to nag them

Seems like OP is an A currently married to a D. She’d be happier with a C, and he’d be happier with a B. Now how about us A’s with C’s and you B’s with D’s all calm all of our tits and be glad we’re with the right partners.

Post # 60
Member
3060 posts
Sugar bee

View original reply
MrsA44:  I got as far as where you said that a man has a penis and a woman has a vagina and thought “I can agree with this woman” but then I read the rest of your paragraph.

Hahahahahaha.

Brains can’t really be defined as male and female in the sense you mean. If you really want to see a big neurological difference try comparing right handers with left handers.

And men are more straightforward thinkers? Really?

Women are more complicated emotionally? Really?

Hahahahahahahaha.

Sorry OP.  We’re not going to come to the same opinion on this.

The topic ‘married 2 months and starting to think it was bad decision’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors