(Closed) married 2 months and starting to think it was bad decision

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 61
Member
1113 posts
Bumble bee

I’m not making excuses, and I may be hijacking, but there are absolutely differences in general the way that men and women think.  Men and women think differently.  I would love for a medical health professional (anyone a psychiatrist?) to back this up, but as a psych student for a few years in undergrad I remember going over this topic several times.  Sure, sometimes it’s more blurry, but men and women are quite different (and quite the same) in many ways.  

I won’t get into the google war, but start googling the topic and it’s overwhelmingly true.  Unless I can’t trust the internet at all.  

Post # 62
Member
3052 posts
Sugar bee

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trytobeeanon:  

I’ve no easy answers I’m afraid.

You have got to tell him why you are so unhappy – this lack of being a team, being equals, being appreciated.  You have probably said it before but you are going to have to say it again.  

Good luck.

 

Post # 63
Member
1253 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

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Daisy_Mae:  Well put! That said, you forget there’s a subset of D, I’ll call them D-holes, who are not only oblivious but resist any attempts at nagging. That may come in the form of eye rolling, sighing and huffing, stomping around the house, silent treatment, or, in the OP’s case, excuses. My ex-husband did all of those things, and it did not lead to a happy home. It’s a miracle he didn’t wind up with a broomstick up his bum! I’m now with a guy whom I occasionally have to ask to do specific tasks, but instead of reacting like a bratty teenager he gets up right away and does it. I adore him for that!

OP, you got great advice early on from the bee who basically gave you the exact script of what to say. Once you have that conversation with him, you’ll know how willing he is to put effort into your marriage. You’re not being at all unreasonable in expecting him to pitch in more, so don’t let him convince you that just because your standard of cleanliness is higher than his, you should be doing most of the work. Basic rules of living with another human being (be it a roommate or wife) are that you share the space and need to keep it habitable. Live like a filthy frat boy on your own time, but once you move in with someone there are standards. If you’ve ever wondered if his response to housework and stress is normal, it’s not. I second the suggestion to see if he’d be open to counseling on his own to address what seems like anxiety that’s affecting his ability to get through life. Depending on how he responds to your conversation, consider counseling for both of you as well. This isn’t something you’ll be able to live with forever, trust me on that, so address it now and keep addressing it until you’ve reached a resolution that works for both of you.

Post # 64
Member
557 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

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interchangeable:  Again….you’re taking everything I said the wrong way. I didn’t once say that men don’t notice things because they have a penis.

I gave you an example stating that sometimes things go unnoticed because they aren’t a priority to the other person in which case it’s important to discuss with your spouse what is a priority to you and what is a priority to them and go from there.

Then I discussed that in fact men and woman are very different. Not in the aspect that some do chores and some don’t…just that they are different.

Either way OP needs to stop babying him and maybe he will start caring about cooking and doing laundry.

 

Post # 65
Member
1292 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

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trytobeeanon:  In agrew that having children wit someone like this is not a good idea. Why is divorce off the table?? If he’s not going to change, I would not sign up for a lifetime of unhappiness, not having children etc, simply because I made a mistake. These feelings won’t go away. I speak from experience. My situation is much less severe than yours, but I do have moments where I wonder if I can deal with certain aspects of his personality. We have far more good days than bad and I can rely on him as an equal partner. I can’t imagine doing without that.

Post # 66
Member
4113 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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MrsA44:  Wait.. So instead of just taking the trash out yourself you ask your husband to do it? Or, if he sees trash that needs to go out.. He needs to be asked to take it? Yikes.

I can’t imagine either partner not being able to look around their house and see whats out of place and needs to be put back in.

Post # 67
Member
557 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

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Supersleuth:  seeing as if this thread were posted on a primarily male website it wouldn’t have even happened is proof enough.

Woman…..OMG SHE JUST SAID THAT OP SHOULD ACTUALLY ASK HER HUSBAND TO DO CHORES.

OMG NO SHE DID NOT.

I CANT BELIEVE SHE SAID THAT OMG

 

Men: Hey….my wife won’t help out around the house…what do I do?
man 2: Ask her for help.

end thread.

 

If you need proof that men and woman are different then please take some psych classes and you’ll see brain patterns  male vs. female. There are thousands of studies done on the two and there is overwhelming proof that the male brain is different than the female brain. Also another thing that is different….hormones. So unless a male is taking female hormones and a female is taking male hormones…their bodies are chemically going to be different. Does your husband PMS? Males and Females are chemically different. That has NOTHING to do with chores as you should be able to communciate with your spouse properly as to what needs to be done.

Post # 68
Member
557 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

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KC-2722:  If it’s too heavy for me, sure I ask him. Or if he hasnt been in the kitchen and I’m in there and it’s too full and I don’t have shoes on, sure I ask him. There are also times he notices it and takes it out if he is throwing something away and it’s full.

I’ve also REPEATEDLY posted that in this case it has nothing to do with the fact that he has a penis but that his priorities might be different than hers and they need to discuss it. END OF STORY

Post # 69
Member
304 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Oh my…what did I walk into reading this thread? haha.

Ok, bee….here is my advice…talk to him.  Seems there are several different topics that need to come up: 1) his stress level in regard to everyday life and how to cope with stress  2) Your feelings with the needs of him doing more.

Sit him down and explain how you feel.  make sure to come up with some ideas on how to come to a compromise.  A relationship and marriage is compromise.  There are things that you won’t want to do, and things he won’t want to do…but they need to get done.  Ask him to make a list with you of things that need to be done and ask him to participate in picking out his fair share.  It’s not fair to you and it’s only enabling him.

I think others have good points about the male gender, however, I’m putting that aside.  I can change my oil, fix the house, clean and make dinner and paint my nails.  My parents were very big on making sure my brothers and I were well rounded.  I can change a tire and fix a fabulous dinner.  My dad insisted on me being independent.  My mother insisted my brothers know how to cook and clean.  I teach my children the same.  The boys help with dinner and played dolls with their sister, and their sister played trucks with them.

Explain that you need some stress relief too. You need him to do his fair share as if he were living on his own.  It’s a partnership and you want to share your life with your PARTNER.  This includes the good and the bad.  My SO and I have a rotation.  We both HATE to scrub a toilet, so we rotate.  One week on, one week off (he does the second week).  We share everything from fixing the house and cutting the grass to fixing the car and dinner prep (unless I’m just too tired one night).

If you get anything from all of this, please just have open conversation with him about your feelings!  None of us are mind readers, females or males.  I wish you the best of luck during the conversation and please let us know how it goes. ((HUGS))

Post # 70
Member
557 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

Let’s just all agree to disagree. OP can either get a divorce or ask her spouse specifically to help her with chores. That’s pretty much the only options here as she has already chosen her life partner. Now let’s all just watch this funny clip and get over it.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uTBAhYE-_bw

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 7 months ago by MrsA44.
Post # 71
Member
625 posts
Busy bee

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trytobeeanon:  OK, men versus women discussion aside… It is pretty clear that you have some valid concerns over the man who chose for a life partner. IMO though (and everyone is allowed to have different opinions on this), it is too early yet to throw in the towel and resign yourself to a depressing life. I truly don’t think you are at that stage. Case in point, you were awake crying in the middle of the night, and your man cares about that. So much so that he wants to bring it up again tonight and talk it out, because he cares for you. A lot of men would be like, “you don’t want to explain the tears? No problem.” and back to sleep they would go. So I would start your discussion with that. Thank him for caring about your feelings and asking about them. Now that he is prepped up with a good compliment, lay down the law! Rhetorically of course. 

Be clear and honest with him about how this attitude of “you care so you do it” is affecting you. It really and truly isn’t fair to you. I second the PP’s who suggested clearly and specifically splitting up a “who does what and by when” around the house, and sticking to it. If he is supposed to cook dinner on Wednesday nights for both of you, and he doesn’t…go get yourself a slice of pizza somewhere and let him fend for himself. Don’t take over the things he should be doing. If it is laundry, let him live in dirty clothes. Just wash your own. Go on vacations you plan by yourself! It sounds selfish but it may take some drastic measures for him to really understand that it isn’t about whether or not he cares about the TASK, it is about whether he cares for you and your sanity.

Be honest with him about your anger at this marriage arrangement so far, because a little pain and hurt will be easier for him to deal with now than being served with divorce papers later. That would suck way more for both of you.

Good luck!

Post # 72
Member
1059 posts
Bumble bee

I will not touch the men and women stance.  I think that this thread has been hijacked and should get back on the actual topic of the husband and wife. 

(1)  Fix your communication issues.  You should both sit down and tell each other what are the expectations within your partnership.  This may not be romantic and all, but how are your expectations going to be fulfilled if he doesn’t know what the expectations are?  I personally like this because it gives me and my partner a chance to talk, negotiate, and line up our expectations with reality.  For example, I expect him to take out the trash and I spoke to him about it and he takes it out (that’s his DUTY).  In turn, I wash the baby bottles all the time.  That is my duty.  We sorted out chores that will fit what we want to do, and split them.  Yes the talk was not fun, but the talk was done in less than 30 minutes and our household life is much more streamlined. 

(2)  Work with him on his stress.  What you guys have is a partnership.  Like in business, the weakness of one significantly affects how the business is run.  So as a partner, you work with your spouse to alleviate his weakness.  I know my BF gets anxiety attacks when we go to Costco, but I work with him to soothe his fears and let him know I’m there.  I find that hand holding, joking around, talking constantly takes his mind away from the environment and focus it on ME.  This reduces his anxiety quite a lot and he almost forgets we are at a public space. 

Honestly, you know he was always like this.  Marriage won’t magically change people.  I learned that the hard way.  Marriage is not the end of the journey, it takes hard work to make a marriage work.  Now, if you think it’s not worth working for, then end it.  If it is worth working for, then start taking proactive steps in changing your life. 

Post # 74
Member
257 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

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Daisy_Mae:  You left out: 

E. Some people don’t want to adult on their own and are resentful if someone nags them

Post # 75
Member
8486 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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Eradicatereality:  I guess they would get along best with

F. Some people don’t care enough to nag and are ok living in squalor

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